Ask McFartnuggets: “How Do I Get Someone To Stop Stalking Me?”

A real pro uses those night
vision goggles from "Jurassic Park."

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve noticed this guy following me around taking photos of me and watching me through binoculars around town. It’s getting a little annoying and I wish he’d stop, but I don’t know how because whenever I tell the police I have no real evidence. I try to describe what he looks like, but it looks like he’s wearing a weird latex mask or something. I can’t quite explain it properly. I really don’t know what to do, how do I get this guy to stop stalking me? -- Lilliana from Baltimore

Dear Lilliana:

I can’t say for certain this will work, but try shitting your pants. Don’t do this at work or anything, try it around your house. Don’t bathe for about a week, start acting all weird like you’re crazy. Take a weekend to just go outside and start slapping yourself in the face and then pee and crap in your pants and start convulsing. I mean usually that’s considered pretty unattractive. I know if I was stalking someone and they started acting like that I’d be a little less interested. Maybe that’s just me, but it couldn’t hurt. If it doesn’t I would recommend getting a better look at this guy. Take photos of him. Get your own binoculars to see him. Sometimes the best way to stop a stalker is to become the stalker.

Thanks for your questions, guys! Keep sending them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com