The Top 5 Worst People To Get Into A Staring Contest With

Never stare at a man who's
not wearing a shirt.

Everyone loves a good staring contest now and again. It’s a great way to exercise your eyes and work on testing your willpower against another person. However, there are appropriate opponents to face in staring contests and there are inappropriate opponents. As an eye starer you’re going to need to know the difference to avoid an uncomfortable situation, aka a staring contest you cannot win. Here are the top 5 worst people or things to get into a staring contest with:

5. A baby

Babies love staring at things, it’s how their brain learns. You might see a baby staring at you and then challenge it to a staring contest. Always ask the mother’s permission first. She’ll usually say no. If you just go and start the contest without an adult’s consent then when they see you staring at their baby intensely they might get the wrong idea about what you’re doing. It’s not their fault, they’re just being a parent and they’re not familiar with the art of the stare.

Babies are damn good at staring contests.

4. A police officer

Most police officers don’t like it when you challenge them to a staring contest. If they’re on duty then they’re trying to keep an eye out for criminals and other nefarious behaviors. They can’t be wasting their time staring down an innocent person for 5 to 30 minutes.

I don't care if a police officer has smallpox and is a cartoon. You DON'T stare.

3. A woman at work

For some reason women at work really get touchy about guys staring at them all day long. They call it “Sexual harassment.” I call it being a “sore loser.” If you can’t beat me in a staring contest then don’t engage!

Women need to start winning some work staring contests if they want to break through that glass ceiling.

2. The Sun

Ah yes, my old nemesis. The Sun. Every staring contest athlete’s most difficult opponent. Staring contests with The Sun are horrible. The only real benefit is if you stare long enough you’ll be able to win every staring contest you ever enter in the future, because you’ll be blind. You’ll need a referee to let you know you’ve won, but you will win.

The Sun is undefeated in staring contests.

And the number one worst person or thing to get in a staring contest with is...

1. A naked homeless man

Usually when you see a naked homeless man your first reaction is to NOT stare so getting into a staring contest seems like a good test of your skill. The problem is they’re usually on drugs or mentally ill so staring at them could spark a fight and no one wants that. Before you know it you’re rolling on the ground with a naked hobo in a headlock and it’s just sad for everyone at that Chuck E. Cheese.

Sun Tzu said "If a battle cannot be won, do not fight it."