Ask McFartnuggets: “How Did The Palm Reader Know So Much About Me?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve seen a lot of these fortune teller places around town and I’ve always wondered why they never went out of business. I’ve seen diners and shoe stores and pharmacies all come and go over the past ten years, but the psychic fortune teller places are always there. I wondered why so I went in one to have my palm read. Well let me tell you something! Now I know why they stay in business because they’re the real deal! This woman knew everything about me just by looking at my palm! I was amazed. She knew my girlfriend had left me a few months ago, she knew I was a very lonely guy with a sense of longing, she even knew I was watching a lot of porn. I was shocked. How the hell did she know all that? It must be for real! -- Dave from Brooklyn, New York

Dear Dave:

Okay a couple things… A few psychic places actually run prostitution rings out of them so that’s one of the ways they stay in business. Also, while the fortune teller knowing you pleasure yourself a lot might seem like magic, she was probably noticing the friction burns and abrasions on your palm from the chronic self pleasure. Also if the back of your hand was very supple and soft she may have gathered you’ve been using a lot of lotion as well. That combined with your general appearance of sadness and lack of nutrients probably made it pretty easy for her to come to the conclusion that your girlfriend left you. The hands can tell a lot about a person, particularly if they’ve been jacking a lot and that subsequently can lead them to make a lot of other assumptions about your life. I wouldn’t recommend going back, they’re tricking you.

"I see your sadness line is very worn out..."

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com