Ask McFartnuggets: “What Can I Do When I’m Ripped Off By A Drug Dealer?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Hey, I bought what I thought was five grams of magic mushrooms from a guy on my street and when I got home it felt a little light. I don’t own a scale so I can’t check to make certain this guy ripped me off but goddamn I am really pissed off. I ate the mushrooms and waited an hour already nothing is happening. I don’t even know how to approach this guy now. What can I do? I can’t call the cops. I can’t say “Hey this guy I bought drugs from ripped me off!” What will happen then? We’ll both get arrested. I can’t threaten the guy because he’s a drug dealer. If I want to complain I have to really go all the way with it. I can’t just politely ask for a refund, I have to go get a gun, pass a background check, it’s a whole big thing. How are you supposed to deal with this situation? I wish they made like a Yelp for drug dealers so I could have avoided this whole situation. I can’t believe I got ripped off. I’m feeling nothing at all here. It’s been an hou-- Oh shit… Oh shit.. Wait a minute. Oh my god………... My keyboard is turning all mushy what the hell is this. The keys……... The keys are melting under my fingers. Now they look like biscuits. The goo is sticking to my fingers! My fingers are melting. My fingers look like fluffy black gelatin biscuits. Oh, now they’re god. They are god.

Dear Sir or Madam:

It appears as though you were not actually ripped off. That’s great news I suppose. Have a good time! Thanks for writing in anyway.

Happy trails!

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