The Top 5 Things That Stop Being Acceptable as You Get Older

When you’re a child you get away with a lot of behaviors that you can’t as an adult. The weird thing is there’s no rule book for what childish behaviors are acceptable as an adult and which aren’t so you usually have to make the mistakes first and be socially persecuted for them. To help make things a little less difficult for you, I’ve compiled a list of the top 5 things you can no longer do as an adult according to society…

5. Carrying a stuffed animal.

When you’re a kid you go around everywhere with a stuffed animal and no one looks twice. You can just carry around a big wad of cotton, talk to it, and pretend it’s your friend and no one stops this behavior. It’s only once you get into high school, college, and your first real office job when people tell you they have a problem with that. What exactly changes between when it’s okay and when it’s not? It’s always weird to talk to inanimate objects, but kids get away with it for some reason.

People at work lose respect for you when they see you talking to Ducksheep.

4. Stumbling drunkenly

Young children have poor motor skills as they learn how to use their bodies. That’s their excuse for the way they walk. When you’re an adult walking like a toddler it usually means you’re completely shitfaced drunk and believe me, no one at work will think it’s nearly as cute as the time you brought your 2-year-old nephew to work despite the fact you’re basically walking, blowing snot bubbles, and crying the same exact way.

Babies are so bad at walking they need a tiny elderly person's walker with wheels.

3. Mispronouncing words

As a child, one of the cutest things you can do is mispronounce words like “pasketti” or “bagina.” As an adult, try asking a woman if you can buy her a “pasketti dinner to get in her bagina” and watch what happens.

Only babies are allowed to talk like they're gargling a mouthful of turds.

2. Pulling people’s hair

When you’re a baby it’s totally acceptable to pull on your mother’s hair for some reason. When you become an adult it’s one of the worst things you can do, unless you’re on the Jerry Springer Show in which case it’s most likely encouraged.

"Janet, stop! This is not how we resolve issues."

And the number one thing that’s no longer acceptable to do when you’re an adult is…

1. Pissing your pants

If you’re a kid you can pretty much pee your pants whenever you want in any situation and it’s excusable. When you’re an adult you can really only pee your pants at home when nobody's around. Otherwise you’re going to face a lot more scrutiny than a child in the same position. I find this odd considering you don’t really gain much more control over your piss abilities as you get older. If anything you lose control more often, just ask your grandma. When you’re a kid you can just take your pants down to pee at the park and it’s no big deal. If you’re an adult taking your pants down to pee at that same park that’s a serious criminal offense.

If you're gonna piss your pants as an adult, just make sure you have one of these bad boys strapped on.