Dumbass Sayings: “You’re a Whale of a Dad”

Sometimes on Father’s Day your children buy you a Fudgie the Whale ice cream cake from Carvel that says “You’re a whale of a dad!” What kind of thing is that to say to someone? Yeah I’ll be a goddamn whale when I finish eating this entire ice cream cake on my own! You know I have issues with my weight and you’re going to taunt me not only with a big tasty chocolate covered ice cream cake but with a mocking phrase written on it in icing calligraphy? That is such a double standard. Try giving your mother a cake that says “You’re a whale of a mom!” on it and see how well that goes over! It probably wouldn’t. You know why? Because calling people whales isn’t exactly a compliment. You don’t show your appreciation for someone by juxtaposing them with an aquatic mammal that weighs several tons. I mean if you really think I’m a whale then why not buy me a treadmill for Father’s Day? That would be a much more proactive move. At least then we’re working toward a solution and it’s not just a big kick in the nuts with no way to fix the problem. This whole Fudgie the Whale fat shaming bullcrap has to stop. It’s not cool, kids. It’s just not cool.

If your father is a whale I guess that would make him a sperm whale.