Dumbass Sayings: “Please Don’t Kill Me! I Have a Family!”

Sometimes when you get cut off in traffic you memorize the guy’s car and license plate then let them get a little ahead of you before you start following them. You find out where they live and then wait for the perfect time to jump out of the bushes along their driveway and grab them from behind. You put a chloroform soaked rag over their mouth and toss them in your trunk. Then you carry the body into your basement and handcuff them to a pipe in the holding pen you’ve constructed out of iron. When they wake up you’re sitting there in front of them sharpening a machete. Usually when this happens people always say “Please don’t kill me! I have a family!” Has that ever worked? This is one of the most cliche things that people say. First off, “Please don’t kill me” is a ridiculous request. Whether or not someone is going to kill you has nothing to do with your consent. No one ever went “OH OKAY since you said please and asked nicely, never mind then! You’re free!” What makes matters worse is the “I have a family!” part. Now yes it does help to humanize yourself to your tormenter, but at the same time it could push them over the edge. You have to realize that by saying “I have a family” you’re basically saying you’re more valuable than someone who doesn’t have a family. Believe it or not a lot of murderers don’t have a strong sense of family. Also, if they’re really trying to hurt you then revealing that you have a family and telling how much they mean to you might make them the next targets. This is a very stupid thing to say. Be more original with your pleas. Put yourself in the other guy’s head. Try to think about what would really make them let you go. I don’t know maybe something like “Sir I am really sorry I cut you off in traffic. I promise it will never happen again.” Something like that...

Oh I forgot, only drifters with no families are ever murder victims!