The Top 5 Worst Birth Dates To Have

Your birth date is widely known as your “birthday” and it is customary in many cultures for there to be a celebration of this, as it is the anniversary of you emerging from your mother’s gaping vagina. For many this is a very fun and exciting day, but for some others, they must experience a lesser celebration due to the unfortuitous dates on which they were born. If you’re a couple trying to get pregnant, please avoid having unprotected sex 9 months prior to the following dates, because these are the top 5 worst birth dates to have:

5. May 5th

Cinco de Mayo, the day we all get shitfaced hammered to commemorate the Mexican army’s victory in the Battle of Puebla in 1862. Who could forget the courageous efforts of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin? Well, most likely everyone after they drink enough shots of tequila… Cinco de Mayo is a bad day for a birthday for that specific reason. Everyone is going to be shitfaced which is not always the best thing for a party. If you’ve ever vomited on your son’s birthday cake and then passed out face first into it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Not to mention your party guests will have to brave the wild streets full of drunk drivers. Nothing dampens the spirit of a birthday party like the guilt of knowing your birth was in part responsible for a tragic instance of alcohol induced vehicular manslaughter.

The next time you're puking margaritas into a sombrero, keep in mind it's for this.

4. September 19th

Talk Like A Pirate Day is a tradition some guy invented in 1995 that stunningly caught on with people. I’m sure having a birthday on September 19th was never a problem until a few years ago when TLAPD started really making the news, but unless you love seafaring scallywags this probably only took a couple years to get annoying. How can you take a birthday wish from your grandmother seriously when it’s delivered like Captain Jack Sparrow?

This guy might not mind being born on TLAPD, but normal people will.

3. February 14th

Valentine’s Day is meant to be a holiday for lovers which means if you’re romantically involved with someone, you’re pretty much guaranteed to engage in intercourse. It’s almost like corporately mandated fucking. The problem with this is, your birthday is another day very much like that. Usually if you’re in a relationship, on your birthday your significant other will treat you to an orgasm. By having your birthday fall on Valentine’s Day you basically consolidate two free fuck days into just one and it’s not like your wife is going to add a multiplier effect on that and invite her sister Cheryl over for a three-way. It’ll most likely be the standard Valentine’s BJ or anal.

It's strange to have a party on a day that focuses so much on intimacy.

2. December 25th

Christmas, the holiest of holidays and most infamous of birthdays. Jesus was a pretty special guy so naturally you’re going to be penalized for trying to steal any of his thunder. Not only does the Valentine’s Day dilemma occur in the form of 2 days of presents turned into 1, but to make matters worse, no one outside your immediate family is going to give a shit that it’s your birthday. You’d actually feel guilty inviting people to a party if you dared to have one because they’re with their families giving gifts to their children and playing their new Xbox. Who the hell are you to interrupt the one day of the year these people actually experience true happiness? You’re the guy who was born on Christmas, that’s who you are, and it ain’t pretty.

Don't you dare try to overshadow the lord!

And the number one worst day to be born on is...

1. September 11th

Unlike the actual events of this day in 2001, 9/11 being tops on this list is not a huge shocker. The awkwardness of that day for anyone celebrating a birthday must have been intense. You’re shooting hoops at Chuck E. Cheese with your friends when you find out America is under attack. Party’s over, kids! Time to go home and duct tape your windows shut! Not to mention every subsequent 9/11 you’re the only guy walking around with a grin from ear to ear trying to get people to have fun. God help you if one of your friends was personally affected by 9/11 because that puts a real damper on the day. I mean yeah people get over things, but if you really lost someone you loved then that will never disappear and no amount of ice cream cake or noisemakers is going to change that.

On the bright side, people will never forget your birthday.

So there you have it, the list of the top five worst birthdays to have. If you’re a pregnant woman and you’re feeling serious labor pains on any of these days please, do your best to squeeze your people portal shut until midnight for the baby’s sake.