Ask McFartnuggets: “What Do Police Yell At Someone With No Hands or Arms?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Okay let’s say you’re a criminal with no arms or hands and you’re robbing a bank with some friends. The cops come through the front doors and draw their weapons on you. They see you holding a gun with your one foot and a bag of money with the other. What do they say? They normally say “Drop it and put your hands in the air!” If you got no hands what the hell are they supposed to say? Do they say “Put your feet in the air?” How would they describe him over the police radio? They wouldn’t say “Armed and dangerous” right? That would be confusing because then cops would see the guy with no arms and be like “That can’t be him, he’s not armed at all!” And what if a different scenario where the criminal has arms but no legs and is doing a handstand walk away from the crime scene? Do they still say “Suspect is getting away on foot”? That’s gotta be a weird situation, right? -- Georgia from Galveston, Texas

Dear Georgia:

Well, I’ve heard of a one-armed bandit, but rarely do you ever hear of a no-armed bandit. I think they would just yell something like “Put your weapon down!” or “Freeze!” I don’t think they would involve the feet or legs because it would be too uncomfortable. It might provide a moment of levity that would affect their ability to do their job properly. To be honest, I don’t know much about how cops deal with situations like this. I would guess they haven’t prepared for it at all. That leads me to believe they would use a lot of their same terminology and descriptions despite how silly it sounded. So they probably would say “Armless man armed and dangerous” and “Legless suspect getting away on foot.” Fortunately situations like that are so rare this never becomes an issue. I suppose we have the legless and armless community to thank for being so law abiding.

I don't think you'd yell "Freeze!" when it's this cold out.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com