Ask McFartnuggets: “Will Science Ever Come Up A Memory Eraser Like Men in Black?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Few days ago I walked in on my girlfriend having lesbian scissor sex with another woman in our apartment when I came home from work early with a birthday cake for her. Needles to say, I was dumbfounded and hurt badly. I threw the cake onto them and ran out and have only Facetimed with her like three times since. I don’t think this relationship is going to work out anymore. I kinda just wanna forget she even existed. I can’t stop replaying that moment in my head and it causes me such pain each and every time like a knife I repeatedly stab into my head without any control. Will science ever come up with a way to erase bad memories like the flashie thing in the “Men in Black” movies? I want someone to flashie thing me and have Will Smith provide me with a more pleasing alternate past! Is that possible for them to do soon please?  -- O. from Virginia Beach, Virginia

Dear O.:

Wow, I wonder if they kept on making love after you left and ate the cake off each other-- I mean THAT’S HORRIBLE. Anyway, to your question… Does science have the ability to erase bad memories and replace them with nicer ones? Hard for me to say. It doesn’t seem possible given what we know about the brain at this point. It’s definitely possible in the future once we know more about how memories operate and how they can be manipulated. Until then, there is another option, it’s called whiskey and it’s the reason my ex-wife has full custody of the kids. The only problem is whiskey is temporary unless you drink a shitload and if that’s the case you may as well just keep your current pain because it ain’t worth trading in for a whole new world of problems. Even then your old problems will always be there like a skeleton buried at the beach. You can try to hide it in the sand all you want, but the tide will erode your efforts eventually and the mess you left will be dirtier and more painful than ever. You might think it’s better to trade in your pain for different pain, but most people wind up regretting it. Then again, sometimes you have to learn the hard lessons on your own. I know that sometimes change feels better at the moment even if it’s change for the worst. I wish you the best!

The trick is to drink enough that you can look back fondly on the few memories you have left.

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