The Top 10 Signs You’re A Serious Alcoholic

One of the biggest problems people have with alcohol abuse is knowing when to stop and realizing when they have a problem. The thing about alcohol is when you’re shithammered you feel like everything’s fine and when you’re not you’re usually passed out and not able to realize the havoc you’ve created. Don’t worry, I’ve assembled a handy list of ten signs you’re a serious alcoholic. If you have experienced any of these I would be worried. If you have experienced 2 to 4 of them you might want to seek counseling. If you have 5 to 8 of them I would recommend immediate help. And i you have 9 to all 10 of them then you’re probably already dead. So let’s play a game and how many of these signs you’ve seen!

10. You have business cards made out with all of your insurance information.

You begin to know you’re a serious alcoholic when you realize it would save everyone a lot of time to just get business cards made up with all your pertinent auto insurance information rather than have to keep a pen in the car and write it all out longhand after the accident while bleeding from the ears.

"Here, just take this. You'll need it later."

9. You think you’re the main character from the movie “Memento.”

If you ever get to the point where you’re writing notes for yourself in reverse lettering all over your body because you’re blacking out so frequently that’s a bad sign. No one should ever have their name, birthday, or social security tattooed onto themselves unless they truly do have their memories erased every few minutes.

When people start showing up in your day who seem to know you and you don't remember them, that's a bad sign.

8. You just puked on a stripper’s tits.

A common touchstone for realizing you have a drinking problem is the first time you vomit on a stripper’s tits. Hey, sometimes they push the wrong way on your stomach and out comes all the Chipotle and gin.

Just make sure people at work know you have a barf bag just so they don't think it's guacamole and use it on their burrito.

7. Homeless people give you their spare change.

One pretty big sign you have a drinking problem is when hobos not only see you as one of their own asleep in a subway or next to a dumpster, but actually take pity on you. It’s a heartwarming gesture for sure, but nonetheless very eye opening and borderline insulting.

He's obviously the kidnapper and he's holding your altruism ransom.

6. You drink beer with ice cubes in it because you can’t wait for the mountains to turn blue.

You can always tell a true alcoholic by how impatient they are when it comes to drinking. If you’re so in need of cold beer and you can’t wait for your Coors Light mountains to turn blue that you’ll further dilute it with ice cubes then you clearly need help.

Yeah that's a wise endorsement.

5. You drink alcohol from a sippy cup to keep it from spilling in your car.

One pretty clever if not insanely depressing drinking trick a lot of seasoned alcoholics use is drinking liquor out of children’s sippy cups. Now this is obviously dangerous if you have a baby because they might drink from the cup by accident, yet it’s somehow even more sad if you don’t have a kid because then you’re in Babies R Us buying drinking cups for yourself. Also, just so you know the cops consider that an open container.

Ironically when you're drunk you act just like a toddler.

4. You pretend you have a urinary problem to openly carry liquor in a urostomy bag.

The key to being an alcoholic is hiding your alcohol and if you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve faked a medical issue in order to obtain a urostomy bag so you can sip beer out of it when people’s heads are turned then you obviously have problems. Those might be even bigger social problems if anyone catches you taking a drink.

Bartenders look at you really weird when you ask them to fill one of these puppies up.

3. You frequently wake up dressed in a clown costume covered in bloodstains.

If you’ve ever woken up in a hotel room dressed in a full clown costume with makeup and covered in blood stains then you know that only has to happen once before you realize life changes must be made. You don’t remember what happened and it’s probably best that you never remember, at least that way when the cops interrogate you there’s plausible deniability. Of course you were framed, the question is who the fuck would go through something so elaborate to set you up?!

It's weird to think your night was someone else's nightmare.

2. You just took a shit in the back of a cop car.

This is when you know you’ve hit rock bottom. When you take a shit right in the back of a cop car, sobbing like a child as you feel the heat of the shit on your cuffed hands behind your back. This will NOT look good on a resume.

All that alcohol jostling around in your system while running from the cops really makes a mess.

And the number one sign you’re a serious alcoholic is...

1. You just took a shit in the DRIVER’S SEAT of a cop car.

The only thing worse than taking a shit in the backseat of a cop car is of course managing to disjoint your shoulders out of the sockets, move your hands back to your front, incapacitate a police officer, and carjack a squad car. At that point you’re really in over your head and it’s at that moment when all the hard liquor and McDonald’s comes out in one gloriously sad moment of anguish. A sign of things to come, the ultimate downfall.

You definitely don't want to barf on those fancy police computers, those are expensive.