Why Can't They Air Cigarette Commercials Anymore?

Commercials like this were so persuasive that it led to children lighting up in order to be cool like their heroes in these ads. Needless to say the American Lung Society put a stop to all that in 1974 and thereby banned all Cigarette commercials from ever seeing the light of day on TV ever again. UNTIL NOW...

Hurricane Frankenweenie is Upon Us

They're calling it the greatest storm in recorded human history. It's unprecedented. No one has ever seen a hurricane start going out to the Atlantic then turn back into America just for fun and merge with a Canadian storm front to soak the eastern seaboard in death flood cum. What did I do to deserve this, God? Is it all the masturbating? Am I not masturbating enough? Honestly, if three times a day is too much I'm sorry, there's not much I can do about that. Maaaybe I can cut it down to two and a half times a day, but then I'm gonna need an alternate day every other week where I go free-for-all unlimited masturbation. Deal? I SAID, DEAL?! I will take that silence to mean that I am not masturbating ENOUGH. Alright thank you God, I've enjoyed our little chat here and thanks for reading the blog. I'd love to stay and chat longer, but I'm gonna beat it.

Sexy Old Watch Commercial

 

I always wondered why women from the black and white days seem uglier than the women that currently exist and sometimes I think maybe that's wrong and maybe women have always looked the same, but then I see some shit like this and I don't know what to believe.

What You Need To Have In Your GO BAG

Everyone knows they need a "Go bag" in the event they have to evacuate their home. The Red Cross is always trying to tell you what should be in your go bag: water, flashlights, batteries, etc. But honestly the list can go on and on to the point where you might be screaming "How about you just tell me what NOT to put in a fucking Go Bag!!!" to your television while attempting to fit a microwave in your satchel. Yes, it's true that these assholes would have you fit your entire home in a bag and carry it with you. They want you to bring toys for your kids because the shelters are boring and they don't want to deal with those little snots running amok all around, but if it's really an emergency you ignore the toys and take something else. Is it weird if I have a personal enjoyment item in my Go Bag? If kids get to bring toys why can't adults? Basically I have a Glad ForceFlex bag filled to the brim with personal enjoyment items and Go-Gurt. If I'm ever in a tough spot I'm fairly confident that will get me through it. No, the personal enjoyment items are not for pleasure, they are for purpose. You can connect certain personal enjoyment items together at the ends to make a rope which can then be used as utility rope, as a binding mechanism, or even yes, a weapon. And Go-Gurt? Well Go-Gurt is just fucking delicious and it's basically a liquid and a food at the same time so it'll keep you alive forever. I'm not an evacuation specialist, because that's not a real thing, but I'm about as close to one as you can get without any official training. This is how I'm preparing, I suggest you prepare the same way.

Elderly Woman Doing Karate

 

Seeing an old ass lady beating the shit out of waiters over pickles is not something you see every day. Honestly I think I could take this bitch, and that's not just because she's most likely been dead for the past 60 years either, though that doesn't hurt.

Does Lipozene Really Work?

"Lipozene is a clinically tested, fat burning supplement. The clinical studies show that 78% of all body weight lost during trials was pure body fat."

What they won't tell you is that the other 22% of 'body weight lost' is made up of vital organs and bone mass. If you're looking for a weight loss product it'd probably be a good idea to go for the one that burns 100% fat or better yet just exercise and skip the pills altogether. I can't tell you how this shit works, but if I were to venture a guess it liquifies your intestines and makes you shit your own liver out of your ass, clinically speaking. 

If you're friends with someone who uses these pills do this: steal their weight loss pills and then run away with them forcing them to chase you around town. Do this for about an hour every day and repeat as necessary. Maybe they'll lose weight from chasing you, maybe they'll give up and stop taking these bullshit pills, either way they win. 

Justin Bieber Mayonnaise Commercial

Everyone loves mayonnaise. It's delicious, it smells terrific, and it makes a great rejuvenating facial mask at night. I like to apply mine right before bed and then fall asleep with it on so the magic mayo
 properties really get some quality time to break apart the muscle tissue in my face. While on one of my weekly mayonnaise web video sprees I found this wacky old commercial that really makes me urine for the old days when people weren't afraid to lather their bodies with egg and oil elixirs right out in public because it was the 60's damnit and life was still free. Also check out the Justin Bieber cameo. Fun fact: This was one of his first ever appearances even before she was discovered by an usher.

The Best Places To Check Out Awesome Fall Foliage

It's officially Autumn and that means warm cups of apple cider, pumpkin pie, and not getting laid. It also means fall foliage, something that is arguably one of the Whitest interests on Earth. You wouldn't believe how many articles there are about "Where to find the best fall foliage!" This isn't searching for the Loch Ness Monster or the Fountain of Youth. I'm not sure if you've noticed this, but pretty much all leaved trees change color. Personally, I try not to see color so I'm not all psyched about the rapid decrease of chlorophyll in deciduous trees. Stop staring, it's an orange leaf not the holy grail, you fucking wool sweater wearing lunatics.

Suck My Frankenweenie

Hurricane Frankenweenie is coming and that means I have to drink and eat all the perishable dairy foods I have in case the power goes out. That's a great situation to be in because then I can have the most insane milkshits sitting in the dark on a dry toilet I made out of a sawed off water cooler tank.

For some reason whenever they show a supermarket full of people before a big storm the meat and milk sections are always ravaged. Who thinks milk and meat are the first things you need to go for in a situation where a prolonged power outage is likely? Are you fucking retarded?

Speaking of Frankenweenie, what the hell is that anyway? Is that when a woman thinks she's a man so she gets surgery to turn her vagoonies inside out and sew it up with a bunch of pieces from corpse wangs to form somewhat of a complete penis?

"Frankenstorm"? Seriously?

The news is calling 2012's Hurricane Sandy, "Frankenstorm" because it's almost Halloween and I guess because the storm has murdered people. Why won't they call it "Stormgoblin"? Is that too stupid? Why do we feel the need to give certain storms nicknames? The Weather Channel recently decided to start giving blizzards names so we wouldn't have to call them "Snowmageddon" every fucking time. Hurricanes already have names, so let's cut the nickname bullshit. Maybe if the storm was made up of parts from other dead storms I'd understand the name, but it's not so this is just some foolish "Frankenweenie" tie-in that's insulting to all the dead Caribbean people's families. I just hope they don't know we call it "Frankenstorm" or even know what that means. To be honest, I'm not even sure what it means anymore either.

Black Licorice Kills People

The Federal Drug Administration has announced that Black Licorice can lower potassium levels to dangerous levels. This news is sure to spoil Halloween for all the kids out there who love delicious treats. If there was anything left in the world you thought was truly wholesome and perfect it was black licorice and now we find out in fact there is a flaw. Of course! Just like hookers would be perfect if it wasn't for STDs, licorice too has a fatal flaw. This is awful news for licorice lovers, but don't worry an easy substitute for this tasty treat is a HOBO'S ASSHOLE. Find a local hobo, ask to give him a rim job, he will usually oblige, and then dig away at it. If you close your eyes it's just like eating black licorice. MMM MMMMMM!!!

Smartphone Animated Halloween Costume T-Shirts?

Digital Dudz is a company that makes Halloween themed t-shirts that are animated by smartphones. Basically you sew an iPhone into the shirt to make it look like a beating heart or a twitching eye. It's a really cool idea because who the fuck wouldn't want cell phone radiation pressed directly against their chest for hours at a time? Don't forget to pick up one for the kids that way they can get cancer and have their phone stolen all at once!

Other Things NOT to Do During a JOB INTERVIEW

Halloween is here and that means one thing: JOB INTERVIEWS. God if I had a nickel for every time I got called in for a job interview I'd be able to not even need to go to a job interview, I could just stay home and get paid nickels for sending out job applications. That'd be weird. Here's a video I found that could help. GOOD LUCK!

Monster Energy Drink Kills People

Uncle Jeff (Monster)

Yes Monster Energy Drink kills people. Red Bull kills people. Coffee can kill people. Caffeine is a drug. News of Monster killing people should only boost sales by showing they have a superior, stronger product. If I'm purchasing a drug I'd rather have the one that's killed a bunch of people over the one that hasn't. They could call it Murderer Energy Drink and people would still buy it. It's not called Fluffy Kitten Energy Drink. If Fluffy Kitten was killing people then I'd be worried, but it's called Monster. Killing people is what monsters do.

If you need energy then it's because you naturally don't have what it takes to deal with life so if you need to risk it for a boost then that's totally worth it. Also if you're a child you probably shouldn't be hanging around monsters whether it's a beverage or "Uncle Jeff".

Holiday of Death

 Halloween is the only day of the year when you can have a fucking corpse on your porch and it actually ATTRACTS children. If you're planning to kill someone, do yourself a favor and do it on Halloween. You're WAY less likely to be caught. You can drive down to the ravine with a dead man in a Glad Forceflex bag and people will honk and yell "AWESOME CORPSE!" 

The only real negative to Halloween is since I'm lazy I tend to leave all the weird shit up the way normal people do with Christmas trees so in mid May there'll still be a bleeding skull on my door. On the plus side I tend to be left alone by the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I think I'm going trick-or-treating as Donald Trump this year. It's an easy costume, all I need is a business suit and a dead chihuahua to wear on my head.

What NOT to do in a Job Interview

With job season coming up it's important to keep in mind things you should avoid doing to give yourself the best shot during a job interview. Here is a helpful instructive video I found. I hope it helps! Good luck!

Can Libya Swing The Election?

People are trying to say how the attacks in Cincinnati Bengals or whatever is gonna change the Presidential election, but how is that possible? Who honestly cares what happens in Libya? Sorry, but if your country sounds kind of like "Library" you've lost most Americans right off the bat. Try renaming yourself "Stripclubya". Sure it was sad that the ambassador died, but no one knew who that was either. People need to cut the bullshit and stop pretending they care about shit they really don't just so it makes them look patriotic. You know what I care about and is still patriotic? Cakes and cheese. Can we just elect cakes and cheese president of America? You know that's what everyone wants! I'd bearhug the shit out of THAT with my MOUTH. We'd have to put a new cake in the White House every few hours because visitors and interns would get to put the President in their mouth which has only happened like twice before.

I MAKE A TWITTER

Find me on these new technology websites.

I make a twitter... www.twitter.com/mcfartnuggets

I make a book of faces... http://www.facebook.com/McFartnuggets

And in closing, I wish you and yours the happiest of National Breast Cancer Awareness Months. Let's find that fucking cure!