Dumbass Sayings: “Let Bygones Be Bygones”

When you go to your high school reunion and you run into the teacher you used to sleep with they always say “That was 20 years ago! Can we just let bygones be bygones?” I find that phrase to be a little strange. “Let bygones be bygones”? Sure I’d very much be willing to do that if I had any idea what the fuck a “bygone” was. I have no problem letting bygones be bygones. As far as I’m concerned they can stay being bygones. I don’t know what the opposite of a bygone is, I don’t know how something would go from being a bygone to anything else. Of course you let bygones be bygones, what are you going to make them into? Herenows? The problem with this saying is that no one uses the term “bygones” in any other part of life. The only time that word ever exists is when someone says “let bygones be bygones.” You can’t do that. You may as well say “Can’t we let schnickdorfs be schnickdorfs?” How about we simplify things and start doing away with words from a bygone era and just say “Let’s move on from the past” or “Let the past be past.” Past is a word that gets used a lot more than bygones. Only a hypocrite would want to let bygones be bygones and in doing so use anachronistic language.

I believe "Let bygones be bygones" was the requested slogan for the Nuremberg Trials.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Beg Your Pardon”

When your grandmother can’t hear what you said because her ears are dying she says “I beg your pardon, sonny?” You beg my pardon? What is this the 17th century? Let’s deconstruct this phrase. First of all, you “Beg”? You’re begging? Why? Have some dignity! And you’re begging for my pardon? The only person who should be begging for a pardon is someone on death row. If one was to take this saying literally, you’re pleading for my forgiveness over the fact that you didn’t hear what I said. That is a little excessive. To top it all off you’re not really begging or pleading. If you were doing that you’d be on your knees. So you’re not begging. Why are you using the word? Stop using words improperly. I don’t care if you’re trying to be polite. There are ways to be polite without sounding like you’re a musketeer talking to a princess. Just say “I’m sorry what was that?” That sounds like something someone in the 21st century would say. Better yet, be more concise and just say “Huh?” That works. I’d prefer to speak in guttural single syllables than in ornate superfluous outdated language that when actually examined makes no goddamn sense.

Unless you look like a depressed Santa and have a hat held out you're not begging.

Dumbass Sayings: “Girlfriend” and “Boyfriend”

You never know when you're
talking to a lesbian pimpette.

The terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” are really outdated in today’s world. Someone you’re dating is technically a “friend”, but it’s a different kind of friendship. It’s different enough that it should need more of a distinguisher than the gender of the person before the word “friend.” Plus, this is the 21st century and lots of people are living alternative lifestyles now. “Girlfriend” and “boyfriend” can be very confusing terms nowadays. When a woman says she’s going to dinner with her girlfriends, you don’t know maybe she’s talking about a night out with friends, maybe she’s a female pimp with a lot of lesbian lovers. There’s ambiguity there and that can lead to a lot of embarrassing misunderstandings.

The person you’re dating should be called a “Lifesucker” because that’s what they do. Then when you get married you can call them a “Life-Eater.” Let’s cut the ambiguity and start being more blunt with our language. People are confusing enough to decipher so let’s simplify the language here. If we’re all being open about ourselves then let’s really be open.