Dumbass Saying: “Bigwig”

Sometimes people at your job will refer to the CEO and executives of that company as “bigwigs.” They’ll say “Oh god the bigwigs are coming for a meeting this week!” or “Oh god a bigwig caught me masturbating in the stairwell!” First off, “bigwig” was originally intended as a term for politicians. The reason for that was back in the day politicians wore big ass powdered wigs. That’s when that term made sense. Most politicians don’t wear huge powdered wigs anymore so it’s an irrelevant term. Some may wear toupees, but they’re far more reserved with their fake hair. The term “bigwig” is even more irrelevant when it’s used to describe a company executive considering that wasn’t even the intended purpose of the word. Just because someone has a big wig doesn’t mean they’re important. These days if someone has a big wig they’re probably just a transvestite. This term is completely outdated and should be erased from our language.

If you're ever intimidated by a "bigwig" just picture this.

Dumbass Sayings: “Birdbrained”

An adult owl is smarter
than your average human
these days.

People back in olde times used to use words like “Harebrained” and “Birdbrained” to describe foolish people instead of current favorites like the R-word or “shit for brains.” Turns out, birds are actually some of the smartest animals around. Scientists have studied birds and shown that they are great puzzle solvers. We’ve always known they use language to communicate to each other, but birds have also been observed using tools. Certain species of bird may even have the ability to see from the perspective of predators. So “birdbrained” is completely inaccurate and wrong. “Harebrained” is still okay though. Rabbits are dumb as hell, but they make up for it by being fluffy as fuck. Birds, elephants, and primates aren’t the cutest animals, but they are among the smartest. The cuter you are the dumber you can be. The creepier you look the more cunning you have evolve to be in order to survive. That’s true for birds and humans. Children can skate through life being dummies because people think they’re cute, but once they become ugly adults they better have an education or they’re screwed. If they grow up to be hot then they can stay dumb and have a nice life, but if they look average or below they better have some serious puzzle solving skills. Why does life work this way? Who knows.

Dumbass Sayings: “Girlfriend” and “Boyfriend”

You never know when you're
talking to a lesbian pimpette.

The terms “girlfriend” and “boyfriend” are really outdated in today’s world. Someone you’re dating is technically a “friend”, but it’s a different kind of friendship. It’s different enough that it should need more of a distinguisher than the gender of the person before the word “friend.” Plus, this is the 21st century and lots of people are living alternative lifestyles now. “Girlfriend” and “boyfriend” can be very confusing terms nowadays. When a woman says she’s going to dinner with her girlfriends, you don’t know maybe she’s talking about a night out with friends, maybe she’s a female pimp with a lot of lesbian lovers. There’s ambiguity there and that can lead to a lot of embarrassing misunderstandings.

The person you’re dating should be called a “Lifesucker” because that’s what they do. Then when you get married you can call them a “Life-Eater.” Let’s cut the ambiguity and start being more blunt with our language. People are confusing enough to decipher so let’s simplify the language here. If we’re all being open about ourselves then let’s really be open.