Dumbass Sayings: “Rolling Out The Welcome Mat”

When you’re happily welcoming company into your home they say you’re “rolling out the welcome mat” for them. This doesn’t actually make sense. A welcome mat isn’t a sign of actually welcoming someone. A welcome mat might say “Welcome” on it, but that’s really just to make it look nice. The real purpose of a welcome mat is to help keep people’s filthy feet from soiling your carpet and floor. The “Welcome” is just to have something written on the mat to make people ignore the fact that it’s there so they can wipe their disgusting peasant feet off before they step foot inside your holy sanctuary. Obviously welcome mats aren’t meant to be literal, they’re sitting outside your door all damn day. Just because someone sees it doesn’t mean they’re welcomed into your home. It’s a completely pointless and unfaithful sentiment. And no one rolls out welcome mats either. It’s just a mat you throw on the ground. Unless you’re Willy Wonka you’re not rolling a welcome mat out and in that case it’s less of a mat and more of a carpet. This saying simply makes no actual sense.

If you want to keep robbers out just use a magic carpet as a welcome mat.

Dumbass Sayings: “I Beg Your Pardon”

When your grandmother can’t hear what you said because her ears are dying she says “I beg your pardon, sonny?” You beg my pardon? What is this the 17th century? Let’s deconstruct this phrase. First of all, you “Beg”? You’re begging? Why? Have some dignity! And you’re begging for my pardon? The only person who should be begging for a pardon is someone on death row. If one was to take this saying literally, you’re pleading for my forgiveness over the fact that you didn’t hear what I said. That is a little excessive. To top it all off you’re not really begging or pleading. If you were doing that you’d be on your knees. So you’re not begging. Why are you using the word? Stop using words improperly. I don’t care if you’re trying to be polite. There are ways to be polite without sounding like you’re a musketeer talking to a princess. Just say “I’m sorry what was that?” That sounds like something someone in the 21st century would say. Better yet, be more concise and just say “Huh?” That works. I’d prefer to speak in guttural single syllables than in ornate superfluous outdated language that when actually examined makes no goddamn sense.

Unless you look like a depressed Santa and have a hat held out you're not begging.

Dumbass Sayings: “On Steroids”

When someone walks up to you on the street and says “Hey man you gotta try this new synthetic drug called Unicorn Taint, it’s like crack on steroids!” That’s supposed to mean it’s better. For some reason people still use the term “On steroids” to mean “improved” or “stronger.” This is phrase that should no longer be used because we know that steroids aren’t a positive thing. Lance Armstrong did steroids. Was he stronger or improved? Sure he won a few bicycle races, but no one considers those real accomplishments. Maybe it helped him beat cancer, or it could have been a coincidence. I think if steroids could cure cancer that would be well known knowledge by now. Bottom line is he’s only got one testicle and thanks to steroids it’s probably pretty small. I wouldn’t call that an improvement! Basically whenever someone tells you something is “On steroids” they just mean it’s angry all the time and its testicles are shrunken. That’s what “On steroids” should mean.

The next time you say something's on steroids it better be a man with severe Gynecomastia.

Dumbass Sayings: “The Sky’s The Limit!”

The sky is the limit!
Once you get there you have
to deal with Jupiter and other
sky deities.

When you start your own meth lab and you begin seeing that money roll in, sometimes your grandmother will turn to you and say “The sky’s the limit!” This is supposed to mean that there are no limits. Unfortunately, now that we know space exists, this saying is completely obsolete. Now when you say “The sky is the limit” it’s basically saying there IS a limit which is the complete opposite of what the saying is intended to mean. People could update this saying by changing it to “Outer space is the limit”, but even then who knows what we might learn in the future? Actually, by stating something as “the limit” while trying to say there are no limits is completely stupid. How about just saying “There are no limits.” That would communicate what you’re trying to say without flying in the face of modern science and our current understanding of the universe.

Dumbass Sayings “Bet Dollars to Doughnuts”

There's a reason they call money "dough".

When someone says “I’d bet dollars to doughnuts Ed gets caught with a prostitute again.” It means that they’re fairly certain whatever they’re betting on will happen. The idea here is that you are so confident you would wager “dollars”, a valuable commodity, up against a person’s “doughnuts” a less valuable commodity.

The problem is it’s the 21st century now. America has a severe obesity problem. Everyone loves doughnuts. Doughnuts are no longer worthless items. “Dollars to dirt” might make more sense these days, but if you’re betting 20 dollars up against 20 doughnuts, the person putting up the doughnuts is taking the bigger risk. This saying is outdated and it makes little sense to anyone anymore.