Dumbass Sayings: “I Don’t Bite”

When you’re a kid and you see a guy with a beard sitting on a bench with a bag of candy he says “Come over here, kiddo. I don’t bite!” Oh well isn’t that a relief! Glad I won’t get bitten here. I got news for ya, freakass. No one’s worried about you biting. People are worried about you molesting and fondling. Even if someone was to believe you were telling the truth about not biting, that still leaves a whole list of other horrible things you can honestly still do. If you want to really put people’s minds at rest say “I won’t touch you.” Of course no one would even believe that. Obviously, lies are the greatest tool of manipulation there are. You can’t believe a damn thing a stranger says. Saying “I don’t bite” is just pointless and creepy. The only people you ever have to worry about biting you are cannibals, vampires, zombies (bath salts or infected), and werewolves. If any one of those folks said they weren’t going to bite, you’d have every reason not to believe them. Saying “I don’t bite” is like saying “I don’t murder.” Is that really supposed to make people feel safe around you? The fact you brought up a violent act in the first place is cause for concern, creepy ass son of a bitch!

"I don't bite and I'm definitely not a compulsive liar."

Dumbass Sayings: “Funny Thing Is…”

Sometimes when you’re talking to your grandmother after your grandpa dies she says “Funny thing is… I never really loved him.” Have you ever noticed that ten times out of ten whenever someone says “Funny thing about that is…” whatever they say after that introduction is never funny? People always say things like “Funny thing is… The babysitter wrote me a text saying she was suicidal a week before I found her body.” That’s not funny. No one ever says “Funny thing is… this fat lady fell down the stairs and screamed ‘I THINK I BROKE MY VAGINA!” Now if they said that then they’d be telling the truth, that is humorous. People need to stop opening their statements with false prefaces. You never hear someone say “Happy thing is, my dog died of Canine Leukemia.” But that’s just as wrong as saying something’s about to be funny and then saying something totally unfunny. I think in most cases people would be better off saying “The disturbing thing is…” or “The messed up thing is…”

The funny thing is, I have a lot of low-lying property.