Dumbass Sayings: “I Don’t Bite”

When you’re a kid and you see a guy with a beard sitting on a bench with a bag of candy he says “Come over here, kiddo. I don’t bite!” Oh well isn’t that a relief! Glad I won’t get bitten here. I got news for ya, freakass. No one’s worried about you biting. People are worried about you molesting and fondling. Even if someone was to believe you were telling the truth about not biting, that still leaves a whole list of other horrible things you can honestly still do. If you want to really put people’s minds at rest say “I won’t touch you.” Of course no one would even believe that. Obviously, lies are the greatest tool of manipulation there are. You can’t believe a damn thing a stranger says. Saying “I don’t bite” is just pointless and creepy. The only people you ever have to worry about biting you are cannibals, vampires, zombies (bath salts or infected), and werewolves. If any one of those folks said they weren’t going to bite, you’d have every reason not to believe them. Saying “I don’t bite” is like saying “I don’t murder.” Is that really supposed to make people feel safe around you? The fact you brought up a violent act in the first place is cause for concern, creepy ass son of a bitch!

"I don't bite and I'm definitely not a compulsive liar."

Dumbass Sayings: “I Wouldn’t Hurt a Fly”

Sometimes when you catch Oscar at work looking up information on how to kidnap people he says “Hey you got it all wrong! I wouldn’t hurt a fly!” Oh that’s relieving… Well guess what! I WOULD hurt a fly. So what does that mean? Does that mean I’m some kind of sick freak? No, the fact that you wouldn’t hurt a fly is just as inconsequential as my willingness to hurt flies. Violence towards insects is not generally indicative of a psychotic mind. Sometimes you just need a fly to go away and it won’t leave even though you have the window open. Now if you said “I wouldn’t hurt a mouse” that’s different. People know if you torture mice you’re probably a little weird. So if you want to quell people’s concerns you should say you wouldn’t hurt a rodent. Then again, saying something like that is pretty suspicious so people might be reluctant to believe you. You can’t just tell people who you would and wouldn’t hurt. It’s our actions that matter and people know that. When people tell you all about what they wouldn’t hurt it’s usually meant to cover up their true feelings. The exaggeration makes their true motives obvious.

"I wouldn't hurt a fly! Now people on the other hand..."

Dumbass Sayings: "There's Nothing in This World I Wouldn't Do"

Sometimes when people are in love they start to say crazy things like "There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you!" Now maybe a few people are being serious, but for the vast majority this is usually an outright lie. I don't care how much you love your fiancee, there are definitely things in this world you wouldn't do for them. When someone tells me "There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you!" I'm like "Really? So you'd blow an eight mile long line of clowns with AIDS?" Usually that's when they say "Well, no not THAT." Well guess what! That's a thing in this world. I mean it doesn't actually exist, but it's within the realm of possibilities. Would you do Bigfoot? I doubt most people would do that. Does Bigfoot actually exist? It's possible. Would you really let Bigfoot copulate with you for a loved one? Not only is that likely a brutal gruesome way to die, but it's also technically beastiality. In that situation it would probably be best NOT to do Bigfoot because even if you were doing it for someone they'd constantly have to live in shame of being the wife of the guy who died making love to Bigfoot. There are things you wouldn't do for one reason or another so let's cut the bullcrap.

Would you do this? Didn't think so!