Ask McFartnuggets: “If The Odds of Winning The Lottery Are So Low Why Does Someone Win Every Time?”

Statistically, you're more likely
to get probed up the ass by a
War of the World's tripod than
win the lottery.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

They always say on the news that your odds of winning the Mega Millions lotto is actually worse than your odds of being struck by lightning three times in a row while pregnant with identical octuplets or some crazy ass shit. But I’m thinking if that’s the truth then how come you never hear of a woman getting the identical octuplets struck out of her ass by lightning meanwhile someone pretty much always wins the Mega Millions? The number of Mega Millions winners far surpasses the number of pregnant women with octuplets being struck by lightning three times. In fact I doubt that’s ever even happened before. What’s the deal? -- Charmesha from Camden, New Jersey

Dear Charmesha:

Probability can be a tricky thing. When the news tells you that you have better odds of being struck by lightning or being a movie star than winning the lotto they’re just using the number of people who have achieved those things to find a general likelihood which is not actually scientific. Obviously if you were born without eyeballs your odds of being a movie star are a little worse than someone who has eyes. So those probabilities of being struck by electricity can change and aren’t static. If you live where there’s lots of thunderstorms and you run around naked with a steel dildo up your ass every night, your odds are going to be much greater than someone who lives underground. When it comes to the lottery, the odds are the same for everyone. The only thing that can alter your odds are the number of tickets you buy. The other thing about the lottery is it’s guaranteed to happen. They will definitely have the drawing, so someone has to win eventually. There’s nothing that says someone HAS to be struck by lightning while giving birth to identical quintuplets. That’s why people win the lottery and you don’t hear about bizarre pregnancy lightning attacks. Your odds of winning the Mega Millions after buying one ticket are 1 in 259 million. The population of America is 313.9 million so if one person in America had an alien burst out of their anus randomly they’d say you have a 1 in 313.9 million chance of that happening to you. At least your odds of winning the lottery are a little better than having E.T. fly out of your ass.

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