When it comes to sports, a team’s name is very important. The best team names strike fear into the hearts of their enemies and provide a sense of pride and legitimacy to athletes and fans alike. No one would want to play for a team called the Boston Poodles or the Cincinnati Pussies. That being said, not all team names have to be frightening. Some of the best teams in the world are named non-scary things, it's just not as much fun to cheer for them. Here are the least threatening team names in each of the top 5 sports in America right now:
National Football League - San Diego Chargers
When people hear the word “Chargers” the only thing they think is "Oh no I forgot mine at home!” Now a Charger might have meant something else in the past, but these days it means an electronic device used to replenish your phone battery. You may as well have your team name be the San Diego Bluetooth Headsets or San Diego WiFi.
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| Chargers serve a very useful purpose. Calling themselves the San Diego Blood would be similar and yet a little scarier. |
Honorable mention: “Cleveland Browns”
They’re one of the only teams simply named after the owner. You can’t do that and expect to strike fear into the hearts of opposing teams. It’s no wonder they’ve been perennial losers for the past decade. Thankfully Paul Brown had a somewhat basic last name and they weren’t the Cleveland Liebenschteins or some shit.
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| So they're elves? |
Major League Baseball - Chicago Cubs
Chicago's MLB team is called the Cubs. Cubs are baby bears. Cubs are strong and could probably kill you if they had the knowledge of how to murder. However this is something cubs need to be taught by their parents and don't figure out how to master this til they're beyond cub age. It’s like being called the Chicago Wolf Puppies. It’s only scary if you take into account the inevitable maturation of the animal.
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| You better watch out! They're adorable... |
Honorable mention: “Chicago White Sox”
Chicago is one of the toughest cities so I guess they decided to take it easy with their baseball team names. Maybe you’re saying, “But what about the Boston Red Sox?” Well, Red Sox might actually imply that the socks are bloody which can be dangerous and gross, but nothing at all is threatening about clean freshly washed white socks.
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| Unless it's laundry day you've got no reason to fear socks of any kind. Even then, white sox would be a welcomed sight. |
National Basketball Association - Oklahoma City Thunder
Thunder is just the sound lighting makes. Lightning itself is scary which is why Tampa Bay's NHL team calls themselves that. Thunder on the other hand is just loud noise. They should just be called the Oklahoma City Noise. Loud natural percussion can be jarring momentarily, but it’s nothing to be fearful of.
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| I guess sound is kind of scary, if you're blind. Odds are you're not watching basketball in that case. |
Honorable mention: “Denver Nuggets”
Nuggets are nothing you need to fear unless they’re fartnuggets, but that’s more of a personal problem than anything else. In that case all you really need is a nice hot shower and a new pair of trousers.
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| It's implied that they represent gold nuggets, but it's not explicitly stated. |
National Hockey League - “Pittsburgh Penguins”
Penguins are perhaps one of the least threatening animals on Earth. They're basically like living, waddling footballs. If a penguin was starting shit with you you could just punt it 50 yards away. I’m not recommending you do that though, that would be cruel and Penguins are so docile I doubt they would ever start shit with you. That’s just another reason it’s not a very intimidating team name.
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| Only in hockey can Penguins beat Devils. |
Honorable mention: “St. Louis Blues”
Sad music is really not striking horror into the hearts of anyone. Maybe if they were the St. Louis Satanic Death Metal that might be a little more intimidating.
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| Depression can be unpleasant, but it's not scary in the traditional sense. |
Major League Soccer - “LA Galaxy”
Los Angeles' Major League Soccer team is called the Galaxy. That's an odd name for a sports team because we're in a galaxy right now, the Milky Way. You can't be scared of the overall setting you're living in. This is kind of like naming a team the LA Earth or LA Houses, just on a grander scale. Los Angeles exists within a galaxy so that doesn't even make sense.
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| Galaxies are intimidating, but more in an existential way that has no place in the sports world. |
Honorable mention: “New York Red Bulls”
Energy drinks aren’t the most intimidating things, however they have led to a few cardiac arrests in teenagers so there is some reason to fear them.
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| Global marketing may be the demise of human culture and free thought, but again that's more of a deeper, intellectual fear. |
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