The Top 5 Signs You’re Addicted To Caffeine

Caffeine is arguably the most popular drug on Earth and it’s also one of the most morally acceptable. Because of this it’s rather easy to become addicted and not know it. Here are the top 5 signs you’re addicted to caffeine and might have a drug problem:

5. You snort crushed up caffeine pills.

When folks are looking for a quick boost and they’re too poor to buy cocaine they will often crush up caffeine pills and insufflate them. Some people actually call it “hillbilly cocaine.” Many people in medicine will tell you it’s very unhealthy to snort caffeine pills, like it’s healthy to snort ANYTHING. But yeah, caffeine pills aren’t meant to be snorted so there’s lots of extra crap in them that can irritate your sinuses.

It's generally not a good idea to snort any kind of pills.

4. People ask you if you have Parkinson’s.

The thing about caffeine is that it has the tendency to make you jittery. The other thing is if you’re addicted then your withdrawal symptoms will also include jitters. So basically if you’re addicted to caffeine you’re going to be jittery as hell one way or another. Maybe if this was the 30’s it’d be a little more acceptable, but no one dances the jitterbug anymore.

If people are making a lot of tasteless Michael J. Fox references at your expense then you know something's wrong.

3. You buttchug 5-Hour Energy or Four Loko.

If you’re a true caffeine addict then you’ve noticed how conveniently sized 5-Hour Energy bottles are for buttchugging aka “5-Hour Enemas.” While incredibly ergonomic and properly sized for this activity, it’s ironically very unnatural to do and highly dangerous. You might think it’s a smart way to subvert the taste of that crap, but it’s actually very dumb to pour it into your anus. Four Loko is probably ten times worse. How your anus can even survive such an activity is a miracle.

If you buttchug Four Loko you have a very deadly serious problem.

2. When your child wakes you up covered in blood asking to go to the hospital you say “Not til I’ve had my morning coffee!”

You know you’re addicted to caffeine when the only words out of your mouth are “Not til I’ve had my next coffee.” When you’re just moving from coffee to coffee you know something is wrong. If you can’t enjoy the time in between hits then you have a drug problem. Those are the moments when your life is supposed to occur.

Not until I've put on my giant Carnac the Magnificent hat!

And the number one sign you’re addicted to caffeine is...

1. You’ve attempted to freebase instant coffee crystals.

It is possible to isolate raw caffeine in its crystalline form and smoke it, but this is really foolish to do. Caffeine is meant to be ingested orally so anytime you divert off that path and start snorting, buttchugging, smoking, or injecting it then that’s a sign you’re building a severe tolerance and it won’t stop until you’re in seriously bad shape.

You gotta get that good shit.

If you have experienced any of these examples then I suggest you work on quitting caffeine immediately. Don’t let society tell you it’s one of the “good” drugs. That’s just Big Caffeine trying to pull another life into the murky java filled shadows of death.