The Top 5 Household Self Defense Items

Home invasion is one of the greatest fears for most Americans these days. This fear has caused many people to purchase guns for home security. Fortunately, there are other much cheaper, safer, and convenient self defense items that can probably already be found around your home right now. Here are the top 5 household self defense items:

5. Bleach/Draino

When you’re being attacked it’s always nice to be able to spray a harsh liquid into the eyes of your attacker. Most people choose pepper spray, but if you don’t have any lying around bleach or Draino will do the trick. The only problem is bleach and Draino can cause permanent blindness so you have to be very sure it’s an actual attack and not just a friend surprising you for your birthday.

This is one soda that's not too refreshing!

4. Metal dildos

If you have someone invading your bedroom there are only seconds to make a decision. At that point you need to reach for anything within arms reach. For some fortunate people this is a metal dildo. Obviously metal dildos beat rubber ones. If you hit someone over the head with a rubber dildo they’ll usually just laugh. On the other hand, a metal one can leave a mark.

You know your vaginal acid levels are high when you're burning holes in your steel dildos.

3. Elderly claw grabber

If you're an older individual you might have one of those handy claw grabber things to help you reach items high in a pantry. Well if you've ever had one of those wrapped around your ballsack you know how well a claw grabber can be used for self defense.

Never underestimate an old lady with a mechanical claw.

2. Lysol flamethrower

Nearly every house has a can of Lysol and a lighter. These are all the tools you need to create a handy Lysol flamethrower. Put yourself in the shoes of a home invader. You’re trying to rob someone and then they come at you with a homemade blowtorch. Clearly that’s not an ideal situation. The only negative here is you could set your own house on fire.

Nothing stops a home intruder like a wall of fire.

And the number one household self defense item is...

1. Hedge trimmer/chainsaw

If you have a hedge trimmer or chainsaw at home that can be as effective a self defense weapon as a gun. For one thing, there’s the intimidation factor. For added effect, wear a clown mask. The other nice thing is that you can generally keep them around kids without much concern of them hurting themselves. In order to start a chainsaw you have to rev it up so that’s not something a 3-year-old can really do. A 3-year-old can however pick up a gun and shoot someone. Maybe it’s only a matter of time before we hear about a 3-year-old accidentally killing his mother with a chainsaw, but until then it’s a safer way to defend your family than a gun.

Circular saws also work rather well.