Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Take Selfies?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why do so many people take selfies nowadays? It seems so stupid. People take selfies even when there are friends with them who can take photos of them! It just makes no sense to me! Why is this a new thing? People would have had the ability to take photos of themselves holding a camera in front of their face decades ago but no one did it back then. People would sooner give their camera to a damned stranger and let them take a photo of them instead of just hold the camera in front of their dumb head to take the photo. What changed to make selfies okay? That behavior would have been seen as crazy back then and now it’s totally acceptable? What gives? -- Tyler from St. Paul, Minnesota

Dear Tyler:

Why do people take selfies? You may as well ask why do people masturbate? I can’t speak to other people’s motivations, but I can tell you why I do it... If you want something done right you have to do it yourself! You fail to remember that scene from “National Lampoon’s European Vacation” where the Griswolds had their camera stolen by a stranger when they gave it to him to take their picture. These days there’s no more of that nonsense. These days Clark would have just taken out his selfie stick and pointed the camera at the whole family and that would have been that. Sure he’d look stupid, but not as stupid as he looked when that bozo ran off with his camera. Ultimately, it’s all about independence and moving away from needing other people. If we limit our interactions with others we don’t leave ourselves vulnerable to their actions. We as a society have grown more and more fearful and distrusting of others, sometimes understandably, sometimes out of thoughtless paranoia. Bottom line, we fear strangers and will do whatever we can not to rely on them, even if it’s something as silly as taking a photo. Also if you take a selfie with friends, or as I call it a “frielfie” you can get everyone in the shot and no one is excluded by having to be the picture taker.

Taking selfies is nature's way.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Dipshit”

Sometimes when you’re at the club when you dance up to a lady and she says “Back the fuck off, dipshit!” Okay wow, that was a little harsh, but I find myself asking what exactly is a “dipshit”? If you had to picture what a “dipshit” is, what would that be? Would it be a tub of shit sauce blended with sour cream and chives mixed in for snack chips? No, that would be a shit dip. So a dipshit must be like a dipstick. A dipstick is a stick that you pull out of a car engine to see how much motor oil is in there. That means a dipshit would have to be a piece of shit that you dip into something else. I’m wondering what you’re supposed to dip the shit into and for what purpose. What would you dip a piece of shit into? An anus? That doesn’t make any sense. That’s like putting a baby back into a vagina after it came out. No one does that and for good reason. The point is, no one actually knows what a “dipshit” is. It’s just something we call people. At least “douchebags” and “assholes” are real things. Hell, even a “fucknugget” would obviously be a synonym for buttplug.

Thanks for bringing the shit dip, dipshit.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Name My Daughter Siri?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’m about to have a baby girl in two months and we still haven’t decided on a name. I want to name her Siri, but my husband says that’s a bad idea. Why is it a bad idea to name my baby Siri? Isn’t it a beautiful name? To me it is very beautiful. It’s simple, yet elegant. -- Melinda from Walla Walla, Washington

Dear Melinda:

While Siri is a pretty name, it was basically ruined by Apple. Apple of course uses the name Siri for its intelligent personal assistance and knowledge navigator. This would mean that by naming your child Siri you’re basically dooming your child to be bombarded with joking questions all the time. Other kids will constantly be asking her “Siri, what’s 0 divided by 0?” or “Siri, what time is the new Star Wars movie playing?” It might be fun for a few times, but after awhile I’m guessing that would grow very old. The worst part of it is she couldn’t shorten the name to something less embarrassing like most people do with shameful given names. She could only call herself Sir or Si which would be very confusing to Spanish people. Also, because it’s from Apple you can’t just assume it’s a passing fad like naming your kid Microsoft Zune or Bing. Siri will be around for a very long time which means your child will likely never escape these issues. Even if you’re from Denmark, Norway, or Sweden where Siri is a shortened version of the name Sigrid which means “beautiful victory,” you’ll likely face the same issues. If that’s the case, just name the girl Sigrid and let her choose if she wants to be called Siri or not. She probably won’t.

People will be waiting in lines around the block to make fun of your kid.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold”

Whenever your arch nemesis captures you and ties you to a chair in their garage they cackle while sharpening a knife and say “Revenge is a dish best served cold…” Yeah so are ice cream sandwiches, what’s your point? What the hell does this even mean? I guess ice cream and revenge share something in common. First off, revenge is not a dish. We’re working off a false premise to begin with here. Revenge is not food so right off the bat your analogy is completely off center. Even if we were to put aside logic for a moment and pretend like revenge was an entree served to someone, I think revenge would best served piping hot. If you leave revenge to cool down then that means time passes and you don’t feel as strongly about it. You might still want vengeance ten years later, but it will never be as strong of an urge as the first moment you get that feeling. No, you heat revenge up as hot as possible and you pour it down the person’s throat, like lava burning them from the inside out. You don’t prepare a heaping helping of vengeance and put it in freezer bags or tupperware to enjoy later as cold leftovers. That’s just silly.

BEHOLD THE FACE OF VENGEANCE!

Ask McFartnuggets: “If We Are Made in God’s Image Why Are There So Many Ugly People?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve heard people tell me that all human beings are made in God’s image, but if that’s true then why are there so many buttugly people walking around? Beautiful people are so much more rare than ugly people. That’s why being beautiful is valued because most people aren’t. Why are there so many people with weird out of proportion faces that look like Picasso babies? Why are there so many morbidly obese people? You’re trying to tell me that when you see a double chinned lady with a turkey neck, covered in moles with a fupa that’s what God looks like? That can’t be what God looks like! God can’t be fat and ugly can he? That doesn’t sound very godlike to me! Are ugly people proof that everything people say about God is a lie? Anytime you look at people you’re basically looking at gods? Sorry, I don’t buy that! -- Naomi from Red Bank, New Jersey

Dear Naomi:

WHOA WHOA WHOOOOOOAAAAA! That’s completely uncalled for. First off, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe what you described actually is what god looks like. If it is then being “fat and ugly” would automatically be considered beautiful. We would change the definition of beauty before we change the definition of god. If god does exist then clearly what he or she says goes. I don’t think you want to be one of the people who thinks god looks ugly. I think you need to reconsider your definition of beauty. All life is beautiful and the sooner you realize that the more you’ll be able to enjoy and appreciate this world.

I'm pretty sure god doesn't shave.

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The Top 5 Worst Birth Dates To Have

Your birth date is widely known as your “birthday” and it is customary in many cultures for there to be a celebration of this, as it is the anniversary of you emerging from your mother’s gaping vagina. For many this is a very fun and exciting day, but for some others, they must experience a lesser celebration due to the unfortuitous dates on which they were born. If you’re a couple trying to get pregnant, please avoid having unprotected sex 9 months prior to the following dates, because these are the top 5 worst birth dates to have:

5. May 5th

Cinco de Mayo, the day we all get shitfaced hammered to commemorate the Mexican army’s victory in the Battle of Puebla in 1862. Who could forget the courageous efforts of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin? Well, most likely everyone after they drink enough shots of tequila… Cinco de Mayo is a bad day for a birthday for that specific reason. Everyone is going to be shitfaced which is not always the best thing for a party. If you’ve ever vomited on your son’s birthday cake and then passed out face first into it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Not to mention your party guests will have to brave the wild streets full of drunk drivers. Nothing dampens the spirit of a birthday party like the guilt of knowing your birth was in part responsible for a tragic instance of alcohol induced vehicular manslaughter.

The next time you're puking margaritas into a sombrero, keep in mind it's for this.

4. September 19th

Talk Like A Pirate Day is a tradition some guy invented in 1995 that stunningly caught on with people. I’m sure having a birthday on September 19th was never a problem until a few years ago when TLAPD started really making the news, but unless you love seafaring scallywags this probably only took a couple years to get annoying. How can you take a birthday wish from your grandmother seriously when it’s delivered like Captain Jack Sparrow?

This guy might not mind being born on TLAPD, but normal people will.

3. February 14th

Valentine’s Day is meant to be a holiday for lovers which means if you’re romantically involved with someone, you’re pretty much guaranteed to engage in intercourse. It’s almost like corporately mandated fucking. The problem with this is, your birthday is another day very much like that. Usually if you’re in a relationship, on your birthday your significant other will treat you to an orgasm. By having your birthday fall on Valentine’s Day you basically consolidate two free fuck days into just one and it’s not like your wife is going to add a multiplier effect on that and invite her sister Cheryl over for a three-way. It’ll most likely be the standard Valentine’s BJ or anal.

It's strange to have a party on a day that focuses so much on intimacy.

2. December 25th

Christmas, the holiest of holidays and most infamous of birthdays. Jesus was a pretty special guy so naturally you’re going to be penalized for trying to steal any of his thunder. Not only does the Valentine’s Day dilemma occur in the form of 2 days of presents turned into 1, but to make matters worse, no one outside your immediate family is going to give a shit that it’s your birthday. You’d actually feel guilty inviting people to a party if you dared to have one because they’re with their families giving gifts to their children and playing their new Xbox. Who the hell are you to interrupt the one day of the year these people actually experience true happiness? You’re the guy who was born on Christmas, that’s who you are, and it ain’t pretty.

Don't you dare try to overshadow the lord!

And the number one worst day to be born on is...

1. September 11th

Unlike the actual events of this day in 2001, 9/11 being tops on this list is not a huge shocker. The awkwardness of that day for anyone celebrating a birthday must have been intense. You’re shooting hoops at Chuck E. Cheese with your friends when you find out America is under attack. Party’s over, kids! Time to go home and duct tape your windows shut! Not to mention every subsequent 9/11 you’re the only guy walking around with a grin from ear to ear trying to get people to have fun. God help you if one of your friends was personally affected by 9/11 because that puts a real damper on the day. I mean yeah people get over things, but if you really lost someone you loved then that will never disappear and no amount of ice cream cake or noisemakers is going to change that.

On the bright side, people will never forget your birthday.

So there you have it, the list of the top five worst birthdays to have. If you’re a pregnant woman and you’re feeling serious labor pains on any of these days please, do your best to squeeze your people portal shut until midnight for the baby’s sake.

Dumbass Sayings: “Home is Where The Heart is”

When you’re brought into an orphanage and you start cursing out the nuns and yell “This isn’t my home!” they beat you with a stick and say “Home is where the heart is, you little prick!” I never understood this saying. How the hell can home be where your heart is? If that was true then everyone’s true home would be in their own chest! Does that make any sense? If your home is where your heart is that means no matter where you travel to, you’re always at home. Obviously people don’t feel that way. When you leave home for long enough you get homesick because you miss it. If home was where the heart is then you’d never miss it because you’d always be walking around with your chest cavity. If home is where the heart is then people who received heart transplants would have their home in a glass jar or wherever they put the old bad heart that got removed. If home was really where the heart is then that would mean that there’s no such thing as homeless people. If they have hearts then they have homes. When you see a hobo on the sidewalk, don’t feel bad, he’s got a home right there under his dirty shirt. No, of course he doesn’t have a home and it’s time to stop bullshitting. Home is not where your heart is, it’s where your fucking refrigerator is.

Home sweet THORAX.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does The Bible Say ‘You Will Know Them By Their Fruits’?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

The Bible says “You will know them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:16) and a lot of Republicans are Christians so why are so many Republicans against gay rights and same sex marriage? If the Bible talks about knowing fruits, doesn’t that mean the Bible actually supports gays? Republicans are always saying “You will know us by our fruits” so shouldn’t they be supporting gays so that the world can know us by our fruits and we can have the best fruits in the world? Why aren’t they embracing the fruits? Isn’t that a little hypocritical? -- Glendon from Mobile, Alabama

Dear Glendon:

From what I understand, the verse you’re referring to was in reference to prophets not homosexuals. I don’t think they used the politically incorrect slang epithet “fruit” to describe gay people back in Bible times. “You will know them by their fruits” meant you will know a true prophet by the fruits they bear. The idea is that you can know whether to trust a tree by its fruits. If the fruit is bad then it’s a bad tree and if the fruit is good then it’s a good tree. The trees were a metaphor for prophets. It was more of a caution against false prophets who were wolves in sheep’s clothing, it had nothing to do with gay people at all. I think you’re getting figs mixed up with another word.

You will know them by this guy.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Please Don’t Kill Me! I Have a Family!”

Sometimes when you get cut off in traffic you memorize the guy’s car and license plate then let them get a little ahead of you before you start following them. You find out where they live and then wait for the perfect time to jump out of the bushes along their driveway and grab them from behind. You put a chloroform soaked rag over their mouth and toss them in your trunk. Then you carry the body into your basement and handcuff them to a pipe in the holding pen you’ve constructed out of iron. When they wake up you’re sitting there in front of them sharpening a machete. Usually when this happens people always say “Please don’t kill me! I have a family!” Has that ever worked? This is one of the most cliche things that people say. First off, “Please don’t kill me” is a ridiculous request. Whether or not someone is going to kill you has nothing to do with your consent. No one ever went “OH OKAY since you said please and asked nicely, never mind then! You’re free!” What makes matters worse is the “I have a family!” part. Now yes it does help to humanize yourself to your tormenter, but at the same time it could push them over the edge. You have to realize that by saying “I have a family” you’re basically saying you’re more valuable than someone who doesn’t have a family. Believe it or not a lot of murderers don’t have a strong sense of family. Also, if they’re really trying to hurt you then revealing that you have a family and telling how much they mean to you might make them the next targets. This is a very stupid thing to say. Be more original with your pleas. Put yourself in the other guy’s head. Try to think about what would really make them let you go. I don’t know maybe something like “Sir I am really sorry I cut you off in traffic. I promise it will never happen again.” Something like that...

Oh I forgot, only drifters with no families are ever murder victims!

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Do Police Yell At Someone With No Hands or Arms?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Okay let’s say you’re a criminal with no arms or hands and you’re robbing a bank with some friends. The cops come through the front doors and draw their weapons on you. They see you holding a gun with your one foot and a bag of money with the other. What do they say? They normally say “Drop it and put your hands in the air!” If you got no hands what the hell are they supposed to say? Do they say “Put your feet in the air?” How would they describe him over the police radio? They wouldn’t say “Armed and dangerous” right? That would be confusing because then cops would see the guy with no arms and be like “That can’t be him, he’s not armed at all!” And what if a different scenario where the criminal has arms but no legs and is doing a handstand walk away from the crime scene? Do they still say “Suspect is getting away on foot”? That’s gotta be a weird situation, right? -- Georgia from Galveston, Texas

Dear Georgia:

Well, I’ve heard of a one-armed bandit, but rarely do you ever hear of a no-armed bandit. I think they would just yell something like “Put your weapon down!” or “Freeze!” I don’t think they would involve the feet or legs because it would be too uncomfortable. It might provide a moment of levity that would affect their ability to do their job properly. To be honest, I don’t know much about how cops deal with situations like this. I would guess they haven’t prepared for it at all. That leads me to believe they would use a lot of their same terminology and descriptions despite how silly it sounded. So they probably would say “Armless man armed and dangerous” and “Legless suspect getting away on foot.” Fortunately situations like that are so rare this never becomes an issue. I suppose we have the legless and armless community to thank for being so law abiding.

I don't think you'd yell "Freeze!" when it's this cold out.

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Dumbass Song Lyrics: “You Got Me Wide Open”

The band “Backstreet Boys” released a song called “In A World Like This” in 2013 in which the phrase “You got me wide open” is repeated several times. As with most songs by boy bands (or man bands as the Backstreet Boys are by now) it’s about love and how a woman makes them feel. The song is basically a love letter to a woman, but what I’m wondering is in what situation do you ever tell a woman “You got me wide open”? What would that even mean? Now, that is a thing people say sometimes, but usually it’s during pornos and it’s the woman saying it. Now I don’t know what the Backstreet Boys are doing behind closed doors and it’s none of my business, this is just a weird thing to say to someone. “You got me wide open” sounds like something a woman says to her gynecologist. That’s one rare scenario where saying that would make contextual sense. However, no one would actually say that because it’s too awkward. The gynecologist could only respond with “Yes, that is an accurate description of the situation right now.” If you’re a man getting his prostate checked you might say “You got me wide open!” to the doctor. I don’t know why he has you all the way open, that’s really not necessary. You just need a finger or two, anything more than that and you have a potential malpractice suit on your hands. Maybe you enjoy women putting things in your ass in the bedroom, hey that’s cool, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for songs.

"Do you have a mask for my other mouth?"

Ask McFartnuggets: “Was That Song ‘Twist And Shout’ About Nipples?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Hey is that song “Twist and Shout” by The Beatles about nipples? Whenever I hear the words twist and shout my mind goes back to my childhood when I used to get titty twisters all the time and if you don’t know what that is that’s when someone grabs your nipples and twists them and then you shout. Was titty twisters around back when The Beatles sang that song? -- Norm from Palo Alto, California

Dear Norm:

Here’s a little musical history for you. The song known as “Twist And Shout” was first recorded by the Top Notes in 1961. It was originally called “Shake It Up, Baby” and written by Phil Medley and Burt Berns. The Beatles covered it in 1963 and there is no evidence to suggest it was inspired by titty twisters, purple nurples, or nipple cripples. Did those exist back in the 60’s? Probably. I think the act of jokingly grabbing someone’s nipple has been around for much longer than humanity would care to admit. Now while the lyrics might seem like they’re referring to squeezing your nipples, it’s much more likely that the song was referring to the dance called the Twist. Shouting wasn’t really part of the dance, but it was something people used to do back then when they were having fun. People used to scream a lot when music was being played for some reason. It was a strange time. Fortunately these days people take more time to listen to the music which is likely why you stopped to ask if the song was about nipples. Back then they were probably too busy hollering to notice or even give a care. Thanks for the question!

If it was about nipples it might be called "Twist and Moan."

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Dumbass Sayings: “My Heart Goes Out To You”

Sometimes after a burrito factory explodes or some shit and a bunch of people die a person will say “My heart goes out to all the victims.” What do you mean your heart goes out? I think this is bullshit because if one of the victims needed a heart transplant, would your heart literally go out to them? Probably not. Don’t say things you don’t actually mean. There are so many ways to lend verbal moral support to people without teasing a potential heart donorship. If you want to say “My heart goes out to you” then put your money where your mouth is or rather put a surgeon's blade where your heart is. No one really cares that you said your heart goes out to them. Saying “my heart goes out to you” is like blowing a kiss to someone who just needs a good fucking. Sure it seems nice, but there’s no substance to that. All it means is “I feel sad for you.” So just say that. There’s no need to gussy it up in poetic metaphors. Either you truly care and so your money can go out to them (rather than your heart) or you don’t truly care and you just feel socially obligated to express sympathies. The fact is, we don’t really care that much when strangers die. Yes it’s sad, but most people don’t have the time or resources to respond properly to all the families left behind by dead folks. Most of the time you can only focus on your immediate family and closest friends. Those are the people your soul goes out to. Your heart is what goes out to people you barely know or don’t know at all. In other words, your “heart” means nothing. Your heart going out to someone helps them about as much as the human heart is actually responsible for love. Love doesn’t actually come from the heart, it comes from the brain. The heart is just a symbol we continue to wrongly use and that is no more apparent than in the phrase “My heart goes out to you.”

Your heart goes out to me? Okay what day is good for you?

Dumbass Song Lyrics: “She’s Got Legs And She Knows How To Use Them”

The classic ZZ Top song “Legs” from their 1983 album “Eliminator” has a line that goes “She’s got legs and she knows how to use them.” Yeah I SHOULD HOPE SO. I’d say that line describes the majority of women out there. That’s not necessarily something that needs to be bragged about. You may as well say “She’s got eyes and she knows how to use them.” What’s the alternative? A woman with no eyeballs? That’s rather startling. Look, this is a very famous song and I like it, but really what woman with legs doesn’t know how to use them? A paralyzed woman? I don’t think that’s a distinction you need to make when singing the praises of a woman. Has anyone ever told their friends “Hey I met a great chick. She’s got legs. Unfortunately, she doesn’t know how to use them, she’s in a wheelchair.” The thing is, even a woman who was paralyzed from an accident would know how to use their legs, it’d just be that she couldn’t. A woman who had legs and didn’t know at all how to use them would have to be a person who was born with a condition that didn’t give them any use of their lower body. That’s pretty depressing. And women’s legs are great, but imagine how bad this song makes paraplegic women feel not to mention all the awkwardness that must result when the song comes on around them. It is a rockin’ tune, but to me, it’s not worth that. The only bright side to that is you don’t see too many paraplegic women for some reason. The ratio of paraplegic men to women is really off balance, which is great for women I suppose. Maybe that’s how ZZ top got away with this song to begin with.

Whoever had this pair must have not had a clue.

Dumbass Sayings: “Picture Everyone in Their Underwear”

Whenever you have to give a big presentation or speech in front of a crowd and you get nervous someone gives you the bright idea to “Just picture everyone in their underwear!” I don’t know who the hell thought this up. That had to be a really weird person. Who goes, “Hey I’m really nervous about this board meeting, let me try picturing everyone without their clothes on… Hey it worked! Now I’m not nervous anymore because I can see people in their underwear!” And after that there was the awkwardness of telling people you actually did that and it worked. I’m not really sure how that all came about especially considering IT DOESN’T WORK. Do you know how much brain power it takes to picture everyone in a room naked? If it’s just one or two people fine that’s easy, but an auditorium? Now I know the human brain is more powerful than most computers, but it simply does not have the processing power to take in dozens of people’s appearances and convert them to naked fantasies simultaneously. Even if you could picture a hundred different people each with their own specific underwear and body features it doesn’t really help you during a speech especially if you’re in front of women. If you’re doing this with women there’s a decent chance you’ll get a boner and that breaks your concentration even more. If you’re behind a podium it’s not as big of a deal, but if you’re just standing out there on the stage then this is a big problem. A REAL HUGE PROBLEM, ladies. Just kidding, an average to somewhat large sized problem. This is just horrible advice, especially if you’re giving a speech to kids or elderly people. Just take some anti-anxiety medication or get drunk instead. It’s not a perfect solution, but it beats getting an erection at a town hall meeting or picturing elderly saggy titties.

Yes, I'm sure seeing a crowd of this would calm you down.

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Did The Palm Reader Know So Much About Me?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve seen a lot of these fortune teller places around town and I’ve always wondered why they never went out of business. I’ve seen diners and shoe stores and pharmacies all come and go over the past ten years, but the psychic fortune teller places are always there. I wondered why so I went in one to have my palm read. Well let me tell you something! Now I know why they stay in business because they’re the real deal! This woman knew everything about me just by looking at my palm! I was amazed. She knew my girlfriend had left me a few months ago, she knew I was a very lonely guy with a sense of longing, she even knew I was watching a lot of porn. I was shocked. How the hell did she know all that? It must be for real! -- Dave from Brooklyn, New York

Dear Dave:

Okay a couple things… A few psychic places actually run prostitution rings out of them so that’s one of the ways they stay in business. Also, while the fortune teller knowing you pleasure yourself a lot might seem like magic, she was probably noticing the friction burns and abrasions on your palm from the chronic self pleasure. Also if the back of your hand was very supple and soft she may have gathered you’ve been using a lot of lotion as well. That combined with your general appearance of sadness and lack of nutrients probably made it pretty easy for her to come to the conclusion that your girlfriend left you. The hands can tell a lot about a person, particularly if they’ve been jacking a lot and that subsequently can lead them to make a lot of other assumptions about your life. I wouldn’t recommend going back, they’re tricking you.

"I see your sadness line is very worn out..."

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Dumbass Sayings: “Lip Service”

Sometimes you hear a schizophrenic person on the street randomly yell “I’m sick of getting nothing but lip service from politicians!” For some reason we live in a world where the term “lip service” is considered a bad thing. To me, “lip service” is and should be to everyone, a slang euphemism for oral romance. The thing about saying “lip service” is it could mean the promise of oral to both men and women which is pretty special. If you’re a woman it could mean someone will be servicing your lips (labia) and if you’re a man then obviously you think of a woman servicing your knob with their lips (face lips). I have a problem with this phrase being taken to mean when someone says a thing to placate another while not meaning it. If you pay someone “lip service” it usually means you’re just telling them what they want to hear. I don’t know how that translates to “lip service” though. Words don’t come out of your lips. You could say “mouth service” but then that would be even more obviously a term for oral; same for “throat service.” How about just not even call it a “service” because it isn’t. No one pays to be placated, it’s patronizing and insulting. The whole idea of being paid lip service is that you don’t like it. Why contradict the meaning of this idea with a phrase that sounds like it means the complete opposite? It doesn’t make sense.

What else are lips for? Pretty much nothing aside from the obvious.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Will Science Ever Come Up A Memory Eraser Like Men in Black?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Few days ago I walked in on my girlfriend having lesbian scissor sex with another woman in our apartment when I came home from work early with a birthday cake for her. Needles to say, I was dumbfounded and hurt badly. I threw the cake onto them and ran out and have only Facetimed with her like three times since. I don’t think this relationship is going to work out anymore. I kinda just wanna forget she even existed. I can’t stop replaying that moment in my head and it causes me such pain each and every time like a knife I repeatedly stab into my head without any control. Will science ever come up with a way to erase bad memories like the flashie thing in the “Men in Black” movies? I want someone to flashie thing me and have Will Smith provide me with a more pleasing alternate past! Is that possible for them to do soon please?  -- O. from Virginia Beach, Virginia

Dear O.:

Wow, I wonder if they kept on making love after you left and ate the cake off each other-- I mean THAT’S HORRIBLE. Anyway, to your question… Does science have the ability to erase bad memories and replace them with nicer ones? Hard for me to say. It doesn’t seem possible given what we know about the brain at this point. It’s definitely possible in the future once we know more about how memories operate and how they can be manipulated. Until then, there is another option, it’s called whiskey and it’s the reason my ex-wife has full custody of the kids. The only problem is whiskey is temporary unless you drink a shitload and if that’s the case you may as well just keep your current pain because it ain’t worth trading in for a whole new world of problems. Even then your old problems will always be there like a skeleton buried at the beach. You can try to hide it in the sand all you want, but the tide will erode your efforts eventually and the mess you left will be dirtier and more painful than ever. You might think it’s better to trade in your pain for different pain, but most people wind up regretting it. Then again, sometimes you have to learn the hard lessons on your own. I know that sometimes change feels better at the moment even if it’s change for the worst. I wish you the best!

The trick is to drink enough that you can look back fondly on the few memories you have left.

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Dumbass Sayings: “This is How We Do”

Pretty much every current pop star, hip hop artist, or country band has a song called something to the effect of “This is how we do” or “How we do it” or “This is how we roll.” Well, whatever they’re doing, they’re doing too much of it. Historians believe it all started with the song “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan in 1995. I think that said pretty much all that needed to be said in the realm of teaching people how to “do it.” Then you’ve got a song from rapper The Game from 2004 called “How We Do.” Then Katy Perry releases a song called “This Is How We Do” in 2013. In 2014, American “bro-country” band (whatever the fuck that is) Florida Georgia Line released the song “This Is How We Roll” which was pretty much the same exact thing the Katy Perry song was just sung by rednecks. Look I get that everyone does and rolls differently and you want to share that with the world, but the fact of the matter is, none of these songs ever actually illustrate any idiosyncrasies particular to the songwriter. These songs always describe generic fun situations. Apparently if you want to “do it” like them you just hang out with your friends and go to parties. Okay, point taken. I think that’s understood. That is how we ALL DO. Now unless someone wants to show a different perspective and write a song about staying home eating Hot Pockets, watching “Rocko’s Modern Life,” and masturbating and calling that “This Is How I Do!” or sing an instructional song for potty training babies called “This Is How We Doo” I don’t want to hear any more of this redundant nonsense because it’s serving no purpose.

This is how elephants doo.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Weird For Elderly People to Play Video Games?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My grandpa Keith plays more video games than I do. He’s 72 and he knows more about all the current gen consoles and games than I do. I used to be really into games but after college I sort of lost interest and wanted to spend my money on more important things. Is it weird that my grandpa plays video games? He’s seriously into it. He’s always talking about how great this new generation of video games are and how much he can’t wait for virtual reality games. He’s even on Xbox Live playing against people and he’s always really intense I’m afraid he’s going to have a coronary sometimes while he’s “pwning n00bs.” Is he ever going to grow out of this or what’s going on here? -- Nicholas from Rochester, Minnesota

Dear Nicholas:

Well, video games started getting really popular around thirty years ago so your grandpa was in his 40’s. It’s totally understandable that he got interested in them back then and just never lost interest. That’s the thing you need to realize. As time goes on, grandparents are going to know more about technology, the internet, and yes they’ll love video games. In twenty years, you’re going to see grandparents named Braylen and Kylee and they’ll all be playing virtual reality games and on Tinder. Your grandfather Keith is just the beginning of this. Elderly people are going to become a huge part of the video game industry soon. Yeah it might seem weird right now, but decades ago seeing blacks and whites sharing the same drinking fountain looked weird to people too and then things changed. I don’t know why I drew that comparison, that’s not really the same thing but I think you get what I’m trying to say. It won’t be long until it’s fairly commonplace to see a tri-racial, gluten-free, transgender grandpa named Jaxson playing Call of Duty 19 with an Oculus Rift helmet on in his retirement home with all the other old people who used to be young around this time. It’ll be strange days indeed, IF we manage to survive that long.

Most elderly people's eyes aren't strong enough to play video games, but those who can probably will.

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The Top 10 Signs You’re A Serious Alcoholic

One of the biggest problems people have with alcohol abuse is knowing when to stop and realizing when they have a problem. The thing about alcohol is when you’re shithammered you feel like everything’s fine and when you’re not you’re usually passed out and not able to realize the havoc you’ve created. Don’t worry, I’ve assembled a handy list of ten signs you’re a serious alcoholic. If you have experienced any of these I would be worried. If you have experienced 2 to 4 of them you might want to seek counseling. If you have 5 to 8 of them I would recommend immediate help. And i you have 9 to all 10 of them then you’re probably already dead. So let’s play a game and how many of these signs you’ve seen!

10. You have business cards made out with all of your insurance information.

You begin to know you’re a serious alcoholic when you realize it would save everyone a lot of time to just get business cards made up with all your pertinent auto insurance information rather than have to keep a pen in the car and write it all out longhand after the accident while bleeding from the ears.

"Here, just take this. You'll need it later."

9. You think you’re the main character from the movie “Memento.”

If you ever get to the point where you’re writing notes for yourself in reverse lettering all over your body because you’re blacking out so frequently that’s a bad sign. No one should ever have their name, birthday, or social security tattooed onto themselves unless they truly do have their memories erased every few minutes.

When people start showing up in your day who seem to know you and you don't remember them, that's a bad sign.

8. You just puked on a stripper’s tits.

A common touchstone for realizing you have a drinking problem is the first time you vomit on a stripper’s tits. Hey, sometimes they push the wrong way on your stomach and out comes all the Chipotle and gin.

Just make sure people at work know you have a barf bag just so they don't think it's guacamole and use it on their burrito.

7. Homeless people give you their spare change.

One pretty big sign you have a drinking problem is when hobos not only see you as one of their own asleep in a subway or next to a dumpster, but actually take pity on you. It’s a heartwarming gesture for sure, but nonetheless very eye opening and borderline insulting.

He's obviously the kidnapper and he's holding your altruism ransom.

6. You drink beer with ice cubes in it because you can’t wait for the mountains to turn blue.

You can always tell a true alcoholic by how impatient they are when it comes to drinking. If you’re so in need of cold beer and you can’t wait for your Coors Light mountains to turn blue that you’ll further dilute it with ice cubes then you clearly need help.

Yeah that's a wise endorsement.

5. You drink alcohol from a sippy cup to keep it from spilling in your car.

One pretty clever if not insanely depressing drinking trick a lot of seasoned alcoholics use is drinking liquor out of children’s sippy cups. Now this is obviously dangerous if you have a baby because they might drink from the cup by accident, yet it’s somehow even more sad if you don’t have a kid because then you’re in Babies R Us buying drinking cups for yourself. Also, just so you know the cops consider that an open container.

Ironically when you're drunk you act just like a toddler.

4. You pretend you have a urinary problem to openly carry liquor in a urostomy bag.

The key to being an alcoholic is hiding your alcohol and if you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve faked a medical issue in order to obtain a urostomy bag so you can sip beer out of it when people’s heads are turned then you obviously have problems. Those might be even bigger social problems if anyone catches you taking a drink.

Bartenders look at you really weird when you ask them to fill one of these puppies up.

3. You frequently wake up dressed in a clown costume covered in bloodstains.

If you’ve ever woken up in a hotel room dressed in a full clown costume with makeup and covered in blood stains then you know that only has to happen once before you realize life changes must be made. You don’t remember what happened and it’s probably best that you never remember, at least that way when the cops interrogate you there’s plausible deniability. Of course you were framed, the question is who the fuck would go through something so elaborate to set you up?!

It's weird to think your night was someone else's nightmare.

2. You just took a shit in the back of a cop car.

This is when you know you’ve hit rock bottom. When you take a shit right in the back of a cop car, sobbing like a child as you feel the heat of the shit on your cuffed hands behind your back. This will NOT look good on a resume.

All that alcohol jostling around in your system while running from the cops really makes a mess.

And the number one sign you’re a serious alcoholic is...

1. You just took a shit in the DRIVER’S SEAT of a cop car.

The only thing worse than taking a shit in the backseat of a cop car is of course managing to disjoint your shoulders out of the sockets, move your hands back to your front, incapacitate a police officer, and carjack a squad car. At that point you’re really in over your head and it’s at that moment when all the hard liquor and McDonald’s comes out in one gloriously sad moment of anguish. A sign of things to come, the ultimate downfall.

You definitely don't want to barf on those fancy police computers, those are expensive.