Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Keep Co-Workers From Eating My Lunch?"

Dear McFartnuggets: Nearly every day I bring lunch to work and put it in the refrigerator it’s gone by the time I get to it at around 1 PM. It’s gotten so bad I started bringing purposely bad lunches like day old egg and fish stick sandwiches and even those get taken! What the hell can I do to stop this? -- Terrence from Lincoln, Nebraska

Dear Terrence:

You probably want to find the man or woman at work whose breathe smells like rotten eggs and fish sticks and attack their face like a rabid mongoose, but there is a better way to solve your problem. Coyotes have been known to urinate on their food to mark it as their property. There’s really no reason why you can’t do the same thing. Just peepee a little in your food, it’s totally sterile as long as you don’t have an STD. Also, urine is said to have medical properties that some people swear by, so it really can’t hurt you. Before you do this, record yourself on video of you peeing into the food. Keep a security camera by the refrigerator and when you find out who’s been eating your meals call them over and show them your peepee footage. My guess is they’ll never touch your food again. You can continue peeing into your lunch for fun at that point, but it won’t totally be necessary. Thanks for the conundrum.

Labeling your lunch does nothing. People know it's not theirs. That's how they get their sick kicks.

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