Ask McFartnuggets: “What Is The Appropriate Thing To Say When Someone Farts?"

"I detect a strange odor..."
Dear McFartnuggets: We all know when someone sneezes you say “God bless you” but what about when someone farts? I wish there was something to say instead of just standing there awkwardly smelling it trying to keep a straight face. What should I be saying? -- Leonard from Tucson

Dear Leonard:

You’re right, it is pretty awkward when someone farts, but the best thing you can do is make light of it so it’s not a serious moment. I like to say “Assundheit!”, a play off the traditional “Gesundheit”. Also another thing you can say is “Do you need a tissue?” if it sounded like a wet one.

Perhaps the best thing you can do after someone audibly farts near you is fart right back at them. By them farting, they opened a very narrow window for you to fart and take a free ride off their original fart. It’s already awkward that they farted so you farting is not nearly as bad. This is really great when you have one pent up. It’s a lot like seeing the first couple start dancing at a party. It makes the person feel good because they know they let loose and broke the ice for everyone else. Just be careful this doesn’t spread too far in a big room because if dozens of people start cutting farts it’s going to get deadly in there like a Roman steam room of raw methane and I doubt your dentist will appreciate that in his waiting room. To prevent this from happening if you hear a fourth and fifth farter, start staring at them like they did something disgusting. Yes it is a bit hypocritical, but at a certain point you’re preventing a potential ecological disaster.

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