Top 5 WORST Substitutes For Toilet Paper

There aren’t many more horrific moments in life than when you’re done releasing the brown dragons and you realize there’s no toilet paper. When faced with crisis, the key is to remain calm and make wise decisions, but the natural instinct is to panic. If you’re going to panic, just don’t use these:

5. Purell

Rubbing Purell on your ass seems like a good idea in theory, but If you’ve ever actually applied it to your butthole before you know it burns like the Dickens! It burns like the collective works of Charles Dickens at a book burning. Human butt tissue was not meant to experience that type of alcohol so the chemical reaction is intense and shall I say, UNPLEASANT.

Yeah... I wouldn't put that anywhere near my ass if I was you.

4. Compressed air

So you don’t have any toilet paper around at your office and you’re thinking “Hey this compressed air cleans the dust out of keyboard, why not the poo out of my asschute?” Well that’s where you’re wrong because it just creates a mess and if that weren’t enough, if you accidentally tilt the can wrong (which you will because you’re pointing it behind your ass) the liquid will shoot out and frostbite your anus.

All this, but pressed into a tiny can.

3. Sea shells

Everyone’s seen the Stallone action classic “Demolition Man” that depicts a future where people wipe their asses with sea shells. The joke is that the man from the present has no idea how to use them. Clearly there’s a scraping method involved and unless you have special sanded sea shells I would not recommend this method seeing as the edge of a sea shell can often be hewn by the ocean to a near razor-like sharpness.

Oh look they carved a little design into it.

2. Fiberglass insulation

So you shit your pants in the attic again. There’s no TP, but you see a chunk of pink fluffy stuff sticking out of the ceiling. You reach up to grab a clump. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Fiberglass is basically mini fibers of glass spun up like cotton candy. Normally rubbing cotton candy on your butthole is fine unless you’re diabetic, but not so much when it’s made out of damaging glass particles. The label on fiberglass warns that it can irritate eyes. Rest assured that applies for your brown one too.

"This crystal ball is telling me not to put glass up my ass."

1. Chainsaw

This one is a little obvious, but I don’t think anyone would argue that a chainsaw is the number 1 worst substitute for toilet paper. That’s just a fact. Facts are facts. Chainsaws and the human ass do NOT mix. It’s like oil and water, if oil tore water’s ass open. If there’s no toilet paper around, but you see a rusty chainsaw next to the toilet, just don’t even bother. Pull your pants up and walk home.

Rule 1 about asswiping: If it can cut stone, keep it away from your pooper.