Dumbass Sayings: “Hi There!”

When you’re walking by a group of courtesan streetwalkers on a pleasant summer’s eve one of them will usually ejaculate “Hi, there!” Women love to say this for some reason and I don’t know why. What is the purpose of saying “Hi there!” Is anyone ever confused as to where the hi is being directed? Oh thank you for clarifying. I wouldn’t know you were aiming your hello to me if you didn’t tell me where you were launching it. No, obviously when a person says something in your direction that in and of itself would act as the word “there.” The appropriate response to “Hi there” would be to say “Hi here!” Of course that sounds bizarrely stupid. So saying “Hi here” is dumb, but saying “Hi there” isn’t? Something is very wrong with that.

I think we utilized Santa a little too late in Afghanistan. Who knows how things could have been different if he was sent in early on.

Dumbass Sayings: “After My Own Heart”

When someone sees a woman stumbling drunk in heels taking a dump on the sidewalk at midnight they usually say something like “Now there’s a woman after my own heart!” This saying really doesn’t make sense. Usually this is said to someone when you notice something peculiar about them that you share in common. You’re noticing something like they love nachos or suffer from alcoholism, so they’re not really going after your heart. They don’t like these things on purpose to get you to like them, they just happen to like this stuff. If anything, you’re going after their heart once you see you share something in common. This is another saying where the words don’t actually mean the shit you’re saying. To top it all off there’s an extra word thrown in there for no reason. You really don’t need the word “own” in there. You wouldn’t say “Hey someone ate my own lunch again!” When you say “my heart” people pretty much know what you mean by that. Adding “own” doesn’t help anyone. The only time you should say this is when you’re encountered by a family who has a dying child that needs a heart transplant and you’re a perfect blood match. Then those people are after your own heart, not someone else’s, YOUR OWN. Other than that, this is just a ridiculous saying that needs to stop.

This is why I'll never agree to a lie detector test.

Dumbass Sayings: “Basically”

It’s always funny to me when someone starts off a sentence with the word “basically.” They’ll say something like “Basically, you’ve got an inoperable tumor in your pancreas.” Let’s just get one thing straight, if you’re trying to say something “basically” that means you’re trying to speak in the most essential, stripped down, distilled fashion possible. Therefore, simply adding the word “basically” in there is defeating your intention. If you want to say something “basically” then just say it and leave as many unnecessary words out as you can. Adding a nine letter word in there is only serving to do the opposite of what you claim to be trying to do. It’s sort of like how people say “I literally took a dump so hard my asshole burst into flames.” That did not LITERALLY happen. People need to stop using words that end in “-ally” because nearly every time you do it never helps your sentence. It’s simply filler that people use to fluff their sentences up to make them seem more substantial.

Basically nebulas are just god farts.

Dumbass Sayings: “I’m Speechless”

What? You've never seen
a grown man get freaky
with a breakfast pastry before?

When someone walks in on you pleasuring yourself intimately with a Toaster Strudel they run out of the room. A few minutes later you try to explain yourself to alleviate the tension and what do they say? They say “I’m speechless.” This is literally one of the dumbest things a person can say. No you’re not speechless because you just spoke and said “I’m speechless.” If you were truly “speechless” you would say nothing at all.  That’s what real speechlessness is. And don’t say “There are no words to explain how you feel about what you just saw” because that word is “Speechless”, but don’t bother even saying that. It's too late now. The bottom line is, if you’ve got nothing to say just keep your damn mouth shut. I’ll figure it out myself. You don’t need to spell this stuff out. Next time knock before you come into my room during the morning hours!