Ask McFartnuggets: “My Doctor Used Google?!" and “Stalking Ugly People?”

"Hmm, I think she's dead."

Dear McFartnuggets: I was at the doctor the other day trying to figure out what was wrong with me and my doctor started using Google right in front of me. Is this normal? Why didn’t he go into a different room at least? -- Stevon from Indiana

Dear Stevon:

Yes it’s true, nearly all doctors these days use Google. The problem is there are so many illnesses out there it’s really impossible for any one person to know them all. It was easy being a doctor back in the old days when a sick person either had Polio or Cancer and that was it. Back then a doctor could just say “You have Cancer” and that was the end of the visit. No medicine, no treatments, you just died. These days science has forced doctors to do a much more thorough job. The fact of the matter is anyone with wifi can be a doctor now. If you see your doctor using Google just stop them and tell them you’ll figure it out on your own. Hey, it could be worse! They could have been using Bing!

Dear McFartnuggets: Have you ever noticed how no one ever stalks ugly people? -- Rochelle from Irving, Texas

Dear Rochelle:

Yes I have noticed that, which is why I take a little time out of my week every week to stalk an ugly person. It’s a little bit of work, and it’s technically against the law, but it’s totally worth it to see the look of fear on those people’s faces. At that moment they know what it’s like to be a famous celebrity and I feel like I’ve made a difference. It's about fighting for equality!

My stalking clothes.

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Dumbass Sayings: “No Man Is An Island”

To clarify: this is not a man.

Okay, so no man is an island. So what is a man then? A state? A county? Is a man even his own country as long as it’s landlocked? The point that everyone eventually needs help from others is valid, but the metaphor is very odd. So if you need help from other people you should be pressed up against them 24 hours a day? No, people need some water between them. Just because you’re an island doesn’t mean you’re completely apart from the rest of the world. Hawaii is an island and yet it’s still a state. This saying might have been more applicable and understandable before planes existed, but now we can travel and transport goods and supplies quite easily from island to mainland. Thanks to technology and the internet, a person can subsist almost entirely without any human contact. As time goes on this saying becomes less and less relevant. A man CAN be an island. Fortunately we’re not at a point yet where an island can be a man. That’s going to be pretty weird, but with doctors making advancements in gender alteration surgeries who knows. It is a strange new world.

How To Recover From Crapping Your Pants At Work

Know your enemy.

Few things are as threatening to a career than having a bowel accident at work. It shows your superiors and colleagues that you leave a lot to be desired in the fields of time management, problem solving, planning and critical thinking. It makes them question your dietary choices. It might even show that you lack discipline and buckle under pressure in serious situations. But rest assured, crapping your pants at work doesn’t automatically spell disaster for years to come, most of the time it does, but not always. Here are a few steps you can take to make sure your defining moment at work wasn’t in the seat of your pants.

1. “Silence” all the witnesses. You can take that however you want to, but I think you know what I’m talking about. The moment you poop your pants at work you have to run through a list of priorities. First, you clean yourself up (obviously). Second, you find yourself a fresh pair of trousers. And third, you do damage control. Bring donuts into work every day for about two to three years. By the end of that stretch, no one has forgotten you shit your pants, but they’re glad it happened because of all the free donuts.

2. Get people to forget what happened. This is risky because getting people to forget you taking a dump in your undies is a tall order. It might take some severe accomplishment or stunt to overwrite that in the minds of your coworkers and bosses.

3. Make pretend it was done on purpose. This is easiest to do if somehow you luckily crapped yourself on April 1st, otherwise you’ve got a bigger task ahead. This is a risky method because usually it involves crapping in your pants at work AGAIN, preferably with an adult diaper on. That way you can walk around showing people the first time was totally intentional and you wear diapers so it’s no big deal. The nice thing about this is if you’re comfortable with the idea of wearing adult diapers you can just crap your pants whenever you want. It’s like the first time broke the ice and allowed you to be who you really are, a crazy pantshitting sunuvabitch.

Dumbass Sayings: “Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right”

Let's stop kidding about Hitler, folks.

One of the most famous sayings of all-time, “Two wrongs don’t make a right”. It’s a nice sentiment and true in most cases, but it is ultimately a flawed concept. The most obvious example of this being wrong is World War II. Adolf Hitler committed a serious wrong when he decided to attempt world domination and start the Holocaust. America and its allies chose to fight fire with fire and exterminate the German and Japanese threat. Was it wrong to fight the Nazis? No, but it’s always considered wrong to kill people. In this case, the second wrong actually did make a right. So two wrongs can make a right. The real saying should be “Two wrongs don’t make a right, unless the first wrong is REALLY wrong because then by default, the second wrong is viewed as much less wrong in perspective and thereby allowable and able to create a right.”

5 Less Offensive Alternate Names For the Washington Redskins

I think one of the reasons the owner of the Washington Redskins won't change his team's name is because there aren't enough better options right now. Finding a great new sports team name is pretty difficult, just look at the Oklahoma City Thunder. That was a new team and they went with something really generic and boring. They probably should have kept the name Sonics, but maybe that was offensive to hedgehogs or something. Anyway, here are five new names to consider after the Redskins name is gone and buried.

5. "Washington Eskimos"

If you want to be less offensive yet still somewhat offensive, change the name to the Eskimos. Eskimo is the “Redskin” equivalent to the Inuit people, in case you didn’t know. Why is this less offensive? There are approximately 53,000 Inuit people in the world as opposed to 2.9 million Native Americans. To compare, there are 44.5 million African Americans. It’s really all about the number of people. If we call a team the “Washington Jeff Peterson’s A Dumbass” that’s only like a thousand people so the outrage would be minimal and that team name would last for a really long time.

That is one kickass igloo.

4. "Washington Greenskins"

Probably the best idea would be to change the Redskins to the Greenskins so it’s only offensive to Martians. Who cares if Martians are offended? If they have a problem with it they can make first contact and change everything about the way we view life on Earth today. That’s a win/win.

The aliens have so much to teach us, about dying.

3. "Washington Dignified Native Americans"

Sure it’s not the catchiest name, but it’s nice and respectful and isn't that what sports team names are supposed to be?

Tecumseh. Really fun name to say. Go ahead, say it.

2. "Washington R-Words"

This would be less offensive, but oddly more controversial because then it would get people who find the OTHER R-word offensive into the mix. They’d be thinking, “Hey! Are they talking about MY R-word? Or is it THEIR R-word?” No one can argue it’d be less offensive though. That’s why we call it the “R-word”, because even though it now means two separate horrible words, it doesn't explicitly mention them.

The real scarlet letter.

1. "Washington Skeletons"

If the whole problem is skin then why not just call them the Skeletons? Let’s strip the skin off and leave only the bare bones. Skeletons are pretty intimidating too, I’m sure they’d have a very scary logo. A little similar to the Buccaneers, but better because it’s an actual skeleton not just a skeleton on a flag. You do risk anorexic people finding this name offensive, but let’s deal with that problem when we get to it.

What in holy hell is going on here?

Dumbass Sayings: “You Can Never Be TOO Safe”

Does that really need a sign?

There’s a popular saying that “You can never be too safe”. This is usually said by people being paranoid and over cautious about things to justify their behaviors. This saying is provably untrue especially when dealing with people who have OCD. If you have OCD and you’re checking your front door seventeen times before you leave the house to make sure it’s locked properly, that IS being too safe. You’re wasting time because you’re obsessed with the idea of being safe.

OCD is not the only reason this saying is BS. If you’ve ever been really scared of getting an STD and had sex while you’re wearing more than one condom and the woman has a female condom inside her that’s being too safe. At that point the latex is having more fun than you. Plus, if it wasn’t possible to be “too safe” then it would be totally okay to wear a helmet during sex, but most women think this makes you look really stupid and they feel like leaving immediately. Yelling "YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE!" doesn't change their mind. This saying is simply not true. End of story.

5 Politically Incorrect NFL Team Names Besides “Redskins” That Should Be Changed

There’s been a recent surge of outrage over the name of the Washington Redskins. The team has been around for decades, but only now serious attention is being given to changing the name so it’s no longer offensive to Native Americans. I believe the name should be changed because it’s hurting people’s feelings. Even if it’s offensive to only a few people, these are still people who are being hurt by this name. While we’re in the mood for changing politically incorrect NFL team names why not take a closer look at these others that could be next!

1. Cincinnati Bengals

Why do we need to assign an ethnicity to this animal? You don't see a team called the Baltimore Spanish Ravens. If you did surely there'd be an outrage of some sort. Bengal tigers are from India. If any Indian people actually watched the NFL I’m sure they’d be offended we were using their national animal as a silly sports mascot.

Haven't tigers been persecuted enough?

2.Cleveland Browns

People who argue that the name “Redskin” is offensive often say “Well what if there was a team called the yellow skins or the brown skins! There would be an outrage!” Well there already is a team called the Browns. What do you think a “Brown” is supposed to be? Come on!

Could you imagine a team called the Cleveland Whites?

3. Houston Texans

People from Texas aren’t mythical characters like Vikings or Titans, they’re actual human beings. They’re not animals either like Lions or Panthers, they’re humans. Let’s stop treating them like freaks and that starts by changing the name of the Houston Texans.

Good luck facing a team full of these!

4. New Orleans Saints

The dictionary definition of “Saint” is “Any of certain persons of exceptional holiness of life, formally recognized by the Christian Church.” A saint is a very revered and important religious figure, not some brutish football warrior. To imply even a slight relationship between the two could be seen as a sacrilegious act. You wouldn’t see a team called the Florida Rabbis.

How does a Christian player reconcile helmet to helmet tackling a Saint?

5. New York Giants

Giants are normal people like me and you, they just happen to have a pituitary disorder. If you point at a sufferer of Acromegaly and yell “Mommy look a giant!” That is a very insulting and insensitive thing to do. Super large people are already very alienated from the normal world that is so small to them, let’s not emphasize that. Giant is the G-word and should be banned from all public use. The New York Giants should be renamed the New York People of Above Average Physical Stature.

They're not giants, they're just constantly high.

Maybe I’m being overly sensitive about this. They’re just team names, but that's the point. If they're JUST team names let's change them. The Oilers became the Titans. I’m sure a lot of Italian people were offended by the name Oilers and now Greek people are offended by the Titans name, we can just change these names all willy nilly, it’s not that difficult!

The Top 10 LEAST Common Google Searches

And yes, I do dress up like
Sherlock Holmes when searching for these.

Sometimes you’ll search something and absolutely 0 results show up on Google. It’s a strange feeling because at that moment you know you’re one of the only people in the entire world who has had this thought and it’s kind of scary. These are the top 10 searches I’ve done and found nothing.

10. “Panda wearing a Bill Cosby sweater”

9. “Donating limbs while you’re still alive”

8. “Competitive pooping your pants competition/Where to sign up?”

7. “How to donate your anus”

6. “Giving thongs to Goodwill”

5. “How to rent an elderly person”

4. “Ways to attract homeless people”

3. “Used anal beads for sale”

2. “How to get women to talk more”

1. “How to decrease penis size/Increase vagina size”