Dumbass Sayings: “Brain Fart”

Sometimes your doctor misdiagnoses a heart condition after failing to read one of your medical reports and prescribes you a potentially lethal medication. When you confront him about this he says “Hey sorry about that. I had a little bit of a brain fart.” I really don’t like this term “brain fart.” What the hell is a “brain fart”? There’s a reason people never use the term “Ass fart.” That’s because there’s only one type of fart. You didn’t have a “Brain fart” you just did something really stupid. There’s a difference. Plus, no one “has” a fart. You “make” a fart. That’s your first sign this is a bullshit term. If it was real mental flatulence then you’d say “I brain farted” or “I made a brain fart.” The closest thing to an actual “brain fart” is a stroke. Of course that’s a serious life threatening thing and using the term “fart” (which are almost 100% non fatal) to describe such an event is inappropriate at best. Still, the major characteristic of a fart that makes a fart a fart is the sound. Unless your brain is making sounds when you do something idiotic, it’s not a fart. Just because you have shit for brains doesn’t mean your brain is farting.

Cerebral aneurysms are silent, but deadly.

The Top 5 Causes That Never Get a Charity Walk

You always see charity walks for Lou Gehrig’s disease or breast cancer, but what about the causes that never get charity walks for some reason? Here are the top 5 causes that you never see a charity walk for:

5. Feline AIDS

Feline AIDS affects anywhere from 2.5% to 4.4% of all cats worldwide and to this day there is no known cure. While cats can live up to 10 years after being diagnosed with the proper medicine, it’s still a very serious condition that deserves more attention.

4. Paraplegia

Paraplegia is one of the major causes that don’t get any charity walks for obvious reasons. This is a catch-22 situation where the only way you could have a Paraplegia charity walk is if there was already a cure to eliminate it.

3. Inverted nipples

People hear of inverted nipples and the first thing they think is “Haha, that must be a joke.” This is a major reason we need more inverted nipple charity walks. 10 to 20% of all women are born with inverted nipples, but it can also strike men as well. You probably know at least one person who has been affected or know someone who’s been affected by inverted nipples.

2. Rectal Prolapse

Most people don’t like to talk about rectal prolapses, besides that creepy guy Glen at work. Still, it is a problem that real people have to face and it’s best if they don’t have to face that problem in alone in shame and darkness. We should have more charity walks to show our support for people with prolapsed rectums despite how difficult it must be to walk with a prolapsed rectum.

And the number one cause that needs charity walks is...

1. Obesity

If any cause should have a charity walk it’s obesity. If obesity had a charity walk then you wouldn’t have to explain to anyone how it’s helping the cause. How do charity walks raise money for causes? Why would anyone pay someone else to walk? Well if you were walking for obesity it’d be pretty obvious. Not only would you be raising money for the cause but you’d be burning into the deadly excess of calories you have stored in your body fat.

Why wait for a Diabetes walk tomorrow when you could do an Obesity walk today?

Ask McFartnuggets: “Should I Stop Eating at Subway Because of Jared?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

With all this controversy surrounding Jared from Subway about child porn is it possible that by eating so much Subway he not only lost hundreds of pounds but also became a pedophile in the process? Could this be a serious public health issue? We deserve to know the truth! Is it guacamole? I know it’s the guacamole! This can’t just be a coincidence right? Should I stop eating Subway now before this goes any further? -- Linda from Portland, Oregon

Dear Linda:

You’ve got about the same chance of becoming a rapist from eating Jell-O pudding that you do of becoming a pedophile from eating Subway. I’m not saying it’s 100% impossible, we don’t know all the facts, I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Too many people believe that if they do what someone else did they’ll become just like them. How many obese people started eating Subway because they thought it was a wonderfood that would help them become a skinny pedophile? Did it work for them? Maybe some, but it’s no guarantee. I might take a break from Subway for awhile just because it is like eating a pudding pop now after we’ve learned the truth about Bill Cosby. It’s delicious sure, but something about it feels wrong. Maybe stick to McDonald’s for awhile and try some of their “healthy” options. After all, their spokesman only looks like a pedophile. I’d suggest Burger King too, but I have my suspicions about that smiling King guy, then again, don’t we all? Lord knows what’s hidden under the floorboards of that man’s castle.

KIDS, STAY BACK!

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Dumbass Sayings: “The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side”

When you discuss the possibility of faking your own death and abandoning your family, someone always tells you “Hey the grass is always greener on the other side!” This is supposed to mean that making major changes to your life seems like a good idea at first but that’s just because you hate your own life so much that anything different seems like a good idea. While this is true, I don’t agree with how this is stated in the phrase “The grass is always greener on the other side.” Who the hell is looking at grass? Why is green grass supposed to mean a good life? Unless you’re a cow in search of greener pastures this is totally unrelatable. Say something like “The prostitutes always look good from far away.” At least that makes sense. Yes you see a prostitute from far away and think “Hey that looks like a good one. Then when you get closer you realize distance was creating an illusion and they're actually quite unappealing. Often when you see a really green lawn from far away and walk up to it, it’s just as goddamn green as it was before. And the other problem with this saying is yes sometimes grass isn’t as green as it looks, but if you’re standing in a desert you’ll take your chances. When you’re desperate to make a change, someone telling you “The grass is always greener on the other side” sounds more like a promise than a warning. Yes the grass IS always greener, that’s exactly why I’m going to the other side. Thanks for narrating my motives.

During segregation, the grass literally was greener on the other side.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Still a ‘Selfie’ if Other People Are in it?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I see a lot of people now taking selfies with other people in them. Now pardon my ignorance on the matter, but isn’t “selfie” short for “self portrait”? Usually self portraits are portraits of yourself, hence the fucking name. I’m at a loss here. At what point is a selfie not a selfie? Back in my day we would put a “camera” on a timer and then the person would run back and the timer would go off, and the camera would take a photo of everyone together. That wasn’t called a selfie, it wasn’t called a self portrait either. It was just a group photo. If people do this same thing just with their phone on a fucking pole in front of them isn’t that basically the same thing? Why is that a selfie and a camera on a timer not a selfie? If you painted a painting of yourself with other people is that a self portrait? -- Wilbur from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

Dear Wilbur:

If you painted a painting of yourself in a group I think that could be considered a self portrait. I’m not entirely certain, however when it comes to photos, yes oddly enough you can take selfies with other people in it. Really the only thing that makes a photo a selfie is the fact that you’re taking it with the camera held in front of your face. You have to be holding it though, whether with your outstretched arm or a selfie stick. A selfie stick may seem like cheating and that might blur the lines a little, but it is still called a selfie stick. When smartphones are replaced with personal drone assistants and the drones take photos of people by verbal command, I think you might see the term selfie fade away. Or maybe it won’t and virtually any type of photo with yourself in it would be considered a selfie. I know it sounds stupid, that’s because it is. You have to get used to this shit though, it’s a sign of the changing times. You can swim against the current until you’re tired and drown or just let it carry you off into the Ocean of Dumbass that is today’s society.

Technically, everyone was in this selfie.

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Dumbass Sayings: “The God’s To Honest Truth”

Sometimes you’ll catch your fiancee getting rammed by the mascot of the local minor league baseball team. When you question her about it the next day thinking it may have just been some kind of drug induced hallucinatory fever dream she says “Me and Buzz Buzz weren’t doin nothin! Okay fine he just gave me the tip of the stinger nothing more! That’s the God’s to honest truth, honey!” Alright let’s dissect this... First off, don’t call me honey after you just got done fucking a bee. Also, I think you mean “The God’s honest truth.” And then I think then you mean just “God’s honest truth.” You don’t need to say “The God.” Despite the numerous gods people claim there to be, you’re automatically referencing your own one god when you refer to “god” so that’s a given. If you’re a polytheist, then you would be more specific and say something like “Vishnu’s honest truth” or “Apollo’s honest truth.” Furthermore, you don’t have to say “honest truth.” That’s another redundancy. Clearly if something’s the truth then it’s inherently honest. Basically when people say “The god’s to honest truth” what they mean is “God’s truth” so they could cut three words out of that shit and be saying the same exact thing without sounding so stupid.

Everyone knows god can't lie. That's what the Orb of Truth is for...

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Hobos Live in Cities?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Hey why do hobos live in big cities? Why wouldn’t they just move into the woods and build a treehouse or something and live off the fat of the land? It takes money to live in cities and you gotta be around people with money all the time sitting on a dirty ass street watching rich people walk by. Who would do that to themselves? Just go into the rainforest and build an adobe hut or some shit and live like a hipster or something. Then you could just hunt for food and farm grains and crops. There wouldn’t even be homelessness if every hobo did that. Why don’t they just do that? -- Kelly from Baltimore, Maryland

Dear Kelly:

Well, first of all the politically correct term is “houseless individuals” not “hobo.” Also, if all houseless people did this, we'd have no more rainforest. deforestation is as big of a problem as homelessness, so you’re not really solving anything there. As for why these people choose to live in cities, a lot of them don’t have the outdoorsmen skills necessary to build huts and shelters out of scratch. A lot of them don’t have the skills to hunt and farm. Most of them were born in cities and that’s the only life they know and they just want to hold onto something that reminds them of their former life. It’s easy to say, “why don’t you just make a treehouse?” but unless you’re in that homeless person’s plastic bags on feet, you can’t judge them. It’s not that easy. Now if you want to build them the treehouse that’s great. Just don’t be surprised if they aren’t jumping at the chance to live inside it. These are free people and they know it. They can go anywhere they want and they can pretty much do anything they want as long as it doesn’t involve money. They make their own decisions and one of the most common is to live in major metropolises. That’s their choice and you should respect it.

There are plenty of country and suburban hobos. You don't see them, but they're out there.

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Dumbass Sayings: “May God Have Mercy on Your Soul”

Sometimes when someone murders your family instead of vowing revenge you might say “May god have mercy on your soul!” This never made sense to me. Why would you want God to have mercy on them after they’ve done such a horrible thing? If God is going to take mercy on them then what’s the purpose of Hell? Does Hell even exist in that case? Clearly people have to be punished for the horrible things they do. Are people being sarcastic when they say this? If they are it’s not obvious enough. I suppose it’s meant to be sarcastic. People want to take the high road so instead of cursing and saying how they’re going to burn in hell they say “May God have mercy on your soul” knowing that’s not going to happen. But what if it did. What if God hears that and goes “Alright fine, if that’s what you want!” Then God forgives them and brings the murderer to heaven. Is that really what you want? That means someone who just did drugs a lot goes to Hell and this murderer goes to Heaven just because you asked god to have mercy on one and not the other. Maybe God isn’t the best judge of sarcasm. Thing is, with all the times we say “Thank God” when we find leftover cheese in the fridge and “Goddamnit!” when we hit our toe on something you have to imagine God tunes most of that out. “May God have mercy on your soul” has to be treated the same as those other terms to God’s ears. He’s entirely ignoring us at this point, which is likely why your families are allowed to be murdered to begin with.

If enough people ask god to have mercy on someone maybe he grants a pardon.