Ask McFartnuggets: “When The First Caveman Invented Fire What Popped Up Over His Head?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Everyone knows when you come up with an idea, a lightbulb pops up over your head, right? If that happens then what popped over a caveman’s head when he first got the idea for fire? We all know that before light bulbs were invented people got candles over their heads when they got an idea and before candles were invented people got fire over their heads. But what did the caveman get over his head before fire was invented? Riddle me that! -- Benny from Bronx, New York

Dear Benny:

Well first off, nothing really pops up over people’s heads when they have ideas. That’s just a cartoon concept. Unless you’re on some serious hallucinogenic drugs I don’t think you’ll ever see that and even if you are, you can’t see what’s going on directly above your head. Even if you’re taking a selfie, the lightbulb, candle, or fire would not be captured by the photo or recording. Secondly, fire wasn’t really an invention. No caveman thought of fire and decided to try and make it. It is likely that the first time a caveman encountered fire it was already there and they just had to examine it. Once they determined how it could be utilized then it became a tool. Because of this, if anything popped up over their head before they used fire it was probably a lightning bolt. The lightning bolt would have passed over their heads and struck a tree to create the fire. So, I guess the answer to your question is lightning.

Fire GOOD!

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Don’t Put All Your Eggs In One Basket”

When you’re talking to a wise old person they usually say things like “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” The idea of this advice is so if something bad happens and you drop your basket you don’t lose all your eggs at once in the same tragic moment. However, this is very impractical advice for the real world. Have you ever tried NOT putting all your eggs in one basket? Everyone in the supermarket looks at you like you’re a goddamn psycho. It’s totally fine and recommended to simply put a full carton of eggs in your basket and walk around with it like that. You don’t need to open the carton up and place a single egg in twelve different baskets. Not only will security ask you to leave, but the eggs will be much more vulnerable to breaking since they’re out of the protective carton. So no, you don’t have to put all your eggs in one basket, just make sure the eggs are protected properly. As long as all the eggs are safe in one place your only responsibility is to not lose them, but that’s common sense. There’s nothing profound about that. You don’t need to tell people “Don’t lose your eggs.” Everyone knows not to do that.

Instead of this, put an egg in each of your pockets, put some in your fannypack, and attach two more to string and wear them like earrings.

The Top Five Human Inventions That Really Don’t Need to Exist

Since the birth of human civilization, inventions have defined our progress as animals on this planet. There have been very critical inventions like the wheel, the radio, and the realistic sex doll that have made the quality of life for humans exponentially higher. However, there are some inventions that while useful to some, probably didn’t need to be made. Here are the top 5 inventions that don’t have to exist:

5. Neckties

Have you ever stopped to think about what neckties actually are? They’re basically scarves you put under your collar that just hang there in front of your shirt for literally no reason. What purpose do they serve? Do they keep the neck of your shirt closed? No, buttons can do that. They’re a pointless fashion item. What really needs to be said by a tie? The number of people who have hung themselves to death with their ties is enough reason to consider this a regretful invention. If you’ve ever gotten your tie caught in a cab door and had the driver not notice and start driving away you know how dangerous and pointless ties can be.

Look at how stupid that appears.

4. Shoehorn

Shoehorns are tools that help you put shoes on your feet. The way I see it, if you need to use a tool to wedge a shoe onto your foot then your shoes are too damn tight. Everyone has a shoehorn built into their own body it’s called a finger.

If you can't bend down far enough to put on shoes just don't even bother going outside.

3. Personal Items

If there’s one invention that has particularly affected my life in a negative way it’s personal enjoyment items. Now yes women deserve a way to masturbate a little more effectively than using their built-in shoehorns, but just think of a world where personal enjoyment items didn’t exist. Women would be forced to use live penises for their desires. Imagine that world and weep for the one we exist in with these giant vibrating monstrosities that basically make men unnecessary for a great number of women.

(Image removed per request.)

2. Pizza cutter

Humans actually invented a thing to cut pizzas with. Knives existed and yet they still felt the need to create a rolling blade with a handle to cut pizzas into slices. My problem with pizza cutters is people actually buy pizza cutters for their homes. Who is eating enough uncut pizza to need their own pizza cutter? And for pizzerias, shouldn’t they just have a circular thing they can just slam down on the top of a pizza that chops it into 8 perfect slices all at once? Come on...

Pizza slicer or world's worst personal enjoyment item?

And the number one invention that never needed to be made is…

1. Viagra

Viagra was created by accident, but it still shouldn’t have been released to the public because it’s pointless. So let me get this straight, you can’t get an erection from an elderly woman? That’s called nature. That’s just how things are supposed to be. There’s nothing wrong with an old man who can’t get wood from his wife. If she’s old and wrinkled that’s just the way things go. A man of any age would have a problem becoming aroused. This is not a cause for prescription medication.

How about a pill to help you fuck koalas? Wait, Viagra works for that too!

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Can I Do When I’m Ripped Off By A Drug Dealer?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Hey, I bought what I thought was five grams of magic mushrooms from a guy on my street and when I got home it felt a little light. I don’t own a scale so I can’t check to make certain this guy ripped me off but goddamn I am really pissed off. I ate the mushrooms and waited an hour already nothing is happening. I don’t even know how to approach this guy now. What can I do? I can’t call the cops. I can’t say “Hey this guy I bought drugs from ripped me off!” What will happen then? We’ll both get arrested. I can’t threaten the guy because he’s a drug dealer. If I want to complain I have to really go all the way with it. I can’t just politely ask for a refund, I have to go get a gun, pass a background check, it’s a whole big thing. How are you supposed to deal with this situation? I wish they made like a Yelp for drug dealers so I could have avoided this whole situation. I can’t believe I got ripped off. I’m feeling nothing at all here. It’s been an hou-- Oh shit… Oh shit.. Wait a minute. Oh my god………... My keyboard is turning all mushy what the hell is this. The keys……... The keys are melting under my fingers. Now they look like biscuits. The goo is sticking to my fingers! My fingers are melting. My fingers look like fluffy black gelatin biscuits. Oh, now they’re god. They are god.

Dear Sir or Madam:

It appears as though you were not actually ripped off. That’s great news I suppose. Have a good time! Thanks for writing in anyway.

Happy trails!

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “Ripe Old Age”

When someone’s great aunt dies they always say “She lived to a ripe old age of 97!” Apparently these people don’t know what the word “ripe” means. “Ripe” means reaching full maturity to the point where something is ready for eating. Now if you’ve ever gone down on a woman over the age of 80 then you know that shit is far from ripe. You’re ripe when you’re in your 20’s and maybe even early 30’s. After that point you’re exiting the ripe phase and heading more toward rotting. Once the body becomes decomposing in earnest then you are no longer ripening. Your aunt died at the “rotting old” age of 97, of course that sounds bad, no one would ever say that. That’s why we lie to ourselves and call the woman “ripe.” If you consider an elderly person to be ripe then please go ahead and sleep with one. If you do and it’s the best possible scenario you could imagine, then I will agree with you, but I’ve never had that type of positive experience with anyone who has an AARP card. “Ripe old” is an oxymoron. The actual definition of “Ripe” is “Having arrived at such a stage of growth or development as to be ready for reaping.” Now if you’re talking about GRIM reaping then yes, that’s true, but I don’t think that’s what they’re talking about.

If this person was produce you'd put them back and maybe even alert a store manager.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Are There So Many Grammatically Incorrect Slogans?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

What is the story with all these company’s sales slogans these days? I got Lipton tea telling me to “Be more tea.” I got my Heinz ketchup asking me “How do you happy?” and LG phones saying “See the great, feel the great.” What the heavens is the matter with these people? It sounds like Borat came up with these slogans or something. Are they hiring European people who barely know English to work in the ad departments of these companies? This really isn’t helping the youth of America learn how to speak properly! -- Dee from Montpelier, Vermont

Dear Dee:

Well, what you’re seeing is companies trying to come up with new, original slogans that haven’t already been used in the past. As time progresses, more and more slogans get taken up and most of those slogans were using proper grammar. So in order to come up with slogans people have never heard before you have to sometimes move words around and change language a little bit. Also, it’s more acceptable these days because young people are paying less and less attention to proper grammar with texting and shorthand emojis and such. It doesn’t seem to bother them when companies speak in broken English, in fact, it makes perfect sense to them. It probably won’t be long until companies just make their own emojis to advertise products and no words will have to be said at all.

A modern day ad executive.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “I Want To Be A Star!”

Whenever you see a tap dancing child actor they say “I want to be a star!” Why are we encouraging children to be like stars? Do people even know what stars are? They’re gigantic luminous spheres of plasma. Why are stars synonymous with success? Because they’re bright? Lots of things are bright. Quasars are the brightest objects in the universe, powered by black holes. If you want to be encourage your child, tell them to be a “quasar.” Not only will that be encouraging them to be brighter, but it will also teach them some astronomy. The other thing wrong about wanting to be a star is stars aren’t special. There are roughly 100 billion stars in our Milky Way galaxy alone and approximately 100 octillion stars in the universe. Stars are not rare. Also, most of the stars we see in the night sky are long since dead. Why would anyone want to be a star? It would mean you burn extremely hot, have people constantly revolving around you while you get larger and larger until you implode and die into a supernova causing gamma ray bursts that can wipe out entire civilizations light years away. Does that sound fun to you? Because it’s not. It’s horrifying.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If Transvestite Men Are Drag Queens Shouldn’t Transvestite Women Be Push Kings?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Heyyy, so if men who dress up like women are called “drag queens” shouldn’t then women who dress up like men be called “push kings?” They call them “Drag Kings” but that’s not a fully complete oppositional phrasing of the “drag queen.” Kings are the opposite of queens, but also pushing is the opposite of dragging, am I right? -- Dillon from Westchester, New York

Dear Dillon:

Well, you would be right save for the fact that the term “drag” is related to wearing clothing of the opposite sex. Because of that, it’s not able to be modified into an antithetical. Furthermore, a queen isn’t the opposite of a king. A hobo or pauper would be the opposite of a king or a queen. So that must mean that women are not the opposite of men. I’m not sure what the opposite of man is, but it’s not women. Women are related to men which is the reason they can imitate them so well. A true opposite would not be able to camouflage itself as its opposite. It’d be like a man dressing up like an amoeba. It can’t be done. So the term “drag king” is the right name for the female a version of a drag queen. Thanks for the question.

Basically a female crossdresser just needs to wear slacks and a collared shirt.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com