Highly Controversial Cracker Jack Commercial

This has to be one of the most talked about banned commercials currently in existence. Nearly everyone can agree this was in poor taste, especially if they're over the age of 50. People were a lot looser with profanity back in these days and it shows! It was a different world I mean they named a snack "Cracker Jack" how fucking racist is that!

Hostess Cupcakes Going Out of Business

A lot of people are lamenting the bankruptcy of the Hostess company, mostly the obese and pothead populations. Then there are also some women who think this is a big blow for women in the business world. Did Hostess go out of business because it was a woman and not a male host? No probably not. No one would have bought "Host cupcakes" that sounds like it has parasites in it. This has to be some of the worst news EVER for an overweight pothead. This is their Hiroshima. Just when Amendment 64 was passed and it looked like recreational marijuana was finally gaining traction, this crippling hit comes to rain on the parade.

The good news is that in this poor economy there is a huge investment opportunity created by the death of the Twinkie. Twinkies are golden for a reason. Buy as many boxes as you can and hold onto them. Because Twinkies are made to last forever due to all the preservatives pumped into them, these treats will stay fresh until they are highly valued relics. Now true there aren't many incredibly rich obese people for whatever reason, but there have to be some and imagine how much they would be willing to pay for 1,000 boxes of the last Hostess Twinkies ON EARTH. That's a major cash windfall for you all because you had the foresight to make a solid snack cake investment. The other good news is that the CDC recently reported that in 18 of the states they examined, the number of people with Type 2 Diabetes has risen by 100% since the last time they checked. So Hostess picked a good time to die, but could it be too little too late?

We can only hope another company buys the Twinkie recipe and makes them exactly the same because if there happens to be an apocalypse, Twinkies would be the only remaining food source on the planet. The fact that they will no longer be produced severely threatens the survival of the human race. So buy as many Twinkies as you can, throw them in a closet and wait for the value to skyrocket. If anything you'll have a solid food supply after the aliens show up and death ray blast the planet.

Extremely Depressing Old Cigarette Commercial

Consumers must have had some idea that cigarettes were bad for you even back before there was scientific evidence. This commercial was a direct sign that maybe people already knew it could kill them, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing, I mean they didn't have iPhones or nothing so what was there to live for anyway?

Israel's Conflict with Hamas Now Full-Scale War

It appears now that Israel will soon go to full scale war with the Islamic resistance group known as Hamas in the Palestinian city of Gaza. It's crazy to me how Israel can be at war with a group called "Hamas" when "Hamas" sounds so much like "Hummus" the delicious chickpea based spread that is very popular in the Mediterranean. That'd be like if Texas ceded from the union, changed its name to "Meyonaise" and started launching rockets into blue states. It seems ridiculous when you put it THAT way, but when conflict goes on for so long I guess it feels normal after awhile. I can relate to that. I was getting tired of my hand slipping off toilet paper when I went to wipe and having my hand slip into my butt, so I switched to sandpaper and that felt VERY ODD. But since then, my anus has callused and the sandpaper feels just like Cottonelle. Fact of the matter is I wipe my ass with sandpaper and that's weird, but it's not costing any lives. I think Israel and Hamas need to look at themselves in the mirror and realize what they're doing is wiping their own asses with sandpaper in a sense. Then again, sometimes it can be easier to go with the crude and brute answer over finesse and care. That's the real reason this is happening. Remember to use condoms, folks!

5-Hour Energy Responsible For 13 Deaths

It should come as no surprise that 5-Hour Energy like any other high caffeine product can threaten your health by putting undue stress on your heart. However, what you might not know is that in addition to 13 deaths one of the incidents the 5-Hour Energy corporation is reported being responsible for was a "spontaneous abortion". This is curious. First off, why would you take 5-Hour Energy when you're pregnant? Isn't the point of this shit to keep you awake at work? Why are you at work? Just go to sleep, bitch. But it is strange that 5-Hour Energy would cause an abortion. If Mitt Romney were President I think sales of this stuff would go through the roof as an alternate abortion method, but unfortunately for prospective 5-Hour Energy investors, President Obama offers women reproductive freedom (whatever).  Still, I think 5-Hour Energy could be something to look into if one was looking for an abortion in a state where it's not legal or widely supported by people. So if your daughter has been vomiting a lot after she said she was legitimately raped by Uncle Todd and is buzzing around like a hummingbird, you should know 5-Hour Energy might be the reason why.

New Pepsi Can Help People Lose Weight

Pepsi has come out with a soda in Japan that contains indigestible Dextrin which has been scientifically proven to block fat absorption in rats. It's not available in America yet because that'd be an obvious market. Why don't we just sell it in Japan where obesity is running rampant and threatening lives every second... Seriously, Japan? That might be 2nd only to the entire continent of Africa on a list of places that LEAST need a fat blocking soda. The curious thing about Dextrin is there are no dangerous side effects, it seems to be a perfect ingredient that helps constipated people shit without cramps and provides a substitute to gluten for people who get diarrhea from bread. There has to be something wrong with this. Nothing can be perfect. The average American consumes around 50 gallons of soda per month, so if you replaced regular Pepsi with Japanese No-no Fat Pepsi what would happen? Would people's intestines become clogged with a sticky goop made of indigestible Dextrin? Only time will tell! The problem is, if this new Pepsi really does work then it might lead to people being skinnier and living healthier lifestyles and that would actually end up HURTING Pepsi and their other junk food brand partners. It really doesn't make sense for Pepsi to ever sell this fat blocking soda in America unless it's a niche marketing ploy toward people who are already skinny, like Japan.

Failed Top Secret NASA Alien Defense Project

No one really knows what the hell they were trying to pull off with this one, but needless to say it didn't work. Hey, everyone makes mistakes, that's why dildos have erasers.

NYC Psycho Nanny Who Killed 2 Kids is Indicted

Worst Nanny Ever.

Shortly before Hurricane Sandy occurred and people had bigger things to worry about, a New York City woman came home to find her her two children stabbed to death in a bathtub. The nanny who stabbed them, Yoselyn Ortega, then stabbed herself and has since been indicted for the murders. I think it's safe to say this woman tops the list of Time Magazine's Worst Nannies of the Year. She's far and away the winner of the 2012 Popular Mechanics Worst Nanny Ever award. Who stabs two kids to death in a bathtub?! They're not even YOURS. When you hear of kids dying in bathtubs it's always their own mother who kills them, who the fuck are YOU? You're a nanny! Let me tell you something, if you want to stab children, the profession of "nanny" is probably not for you. If you're that frustrated with your job JUST QUIT. I know the economy is bad and you're gonna want to stick around until you're fired while you find something else, but Jesus Christ, madam! This type of behavior is uncalled for.

A nanny who wants to stab kids to death in a bathtub is like a Subway Sandwich Artist who becomes nauseous at the sight of cold cuts. It's like a zookeeper who holds an odd personal grudge against koalas. It's like a chimpanzee on bath salts. It's like a narcoleptic cheerleader spotter. It's a disaster waiting to happen is what I'm saying! Now I'm not saying the mother had any idea this would happen, but see this is why you have to check Angie's List. For instance, if this picture here is the only one someone can show you of themselves that's a big RED FLAG. Could there be a creepier photograph? Has this woman been near a digital camera in the past fifteen years? That's suspicious. Let this be a lesson to people when choosing nannies. You have to dig into some weird places before selecting the right nanny, but it's worth it for the life of your children.