Dumbass Sayings: “Work Longer Hours”

Sometimes when poor people are trying to get the corporations they work for to increase their hourly wages to above poverty levels, someone from the company says “You want to make more money? Work longer hours!” That’s an interesting concept. Work longer hours? Hours are always 60 minutes long each. There’s no way to shorten or lengthen an hour. Hours might seem longer or shorter in your mind depending on what you’re doing with them. Working hours that seem long would only compound your misery. No one can alter the definition of what an hour is. Maybe if you became emperor of the world and told everyone hours would be 120 minutes long then you could work longer hours, but that wouldn’t help. You’d be better off making hours shorter… Then again, at that point you’d be emperor of the world so money would have no value to you.

Even if you had a device to alter and stretch the fabric of time it wouldn’t help you make more money. You’d still be getting paid the same hourly rate. Plus, if you had such a device you could most likely make trillions of dollars from it because it would change everything about what people thought they knew about physics and the universe. No, that’s not a proper solution at all. I think what people mean when they say “Work longer hours” is “Work MORE hours.” Is that so difficult to say? Or maybe they mean “Work longer workdays” which would imply more hours, a measure of quantity. It’s crazy how someone can get so far in the world without understanding how words work. The concept of time is confusing, I get that. No one truly understands how that works, but language is completely within our mental grasp so there’s no excuse for sayings like this.

First, discover what dark matter is, then manipulate it in such a way as to redefine the concept of spacetime.

Dumbass Sayings: “Focus On What You Have”

Sometimes when you’re spiraling into a crippling depression the bartender will say “Hey man, just focus on what you have in life not what you don’t!” Yeah that’s great, unless what you have is Herpes. Sometimes what we have is the whole reason we’re sad. For example if you have a crumbling marriage, a crappy job, and anal warts that’s pretty much all you need to be depressed. When someone tells you to focus on what you have that’s basically like handing them a loaded gun and saying “Hold on, let me get this on Instagram.” Now you could easily remedy this sloppy, lazy, poorly worded phrase of encouragement by simply saying “Focus on THE GOOD THINGS you have” but a surprising number of people don’t bother with that. I suppose that’s because they’re always positive and so they never stop to think that maybe some people have bad things in their life that they’re trying to escape. They don’t stop to think that sometimes in order to escape the bad things you have to run toward the good things that you don’t have. If that’s the case then you should be focusing on what you don’t have! So before you tell someone to focus on what they have, make sure you know exactly what they have and what they don’t have otherwise you’re just going to sound like a fool.

Yeah let me focus on what I have, like my kidney stone collection.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is There a Difference Between Alimony and Delayed Prostitution?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Oh queso, I’m getting an divorce this fall and my soon to be ex-wife is ranting on about alimony payments and how I gotta be paying her money now that we’re splitting because we didn’t have a prenumshual agreement or some shit. So lemme get this straight she wants money for being with me. Now call me crazy but isn’t that just delayed prostitution? You pay a hooker to be with you and pay her right after. In this case she was with me for 11 years and because it took longer than an hour all the money added up over time. It’s the same thing isn’t it? -- Maxwell from Topeka, Kansas

Dear Maxwell:

First of all I’m not cheese so stop calling me queso. I think you meant to say “Okay so.” People say “Okay so,” not say “Oh queso.” Also, it’s a “prenuptial” agreement that you’re supposed to agree to before a marriage. People agree to those to make sure no alimony/delayed prostitution charges accrue interest over the course of the marriage. There are some similarities between alimony and paying a prostitute except you’re paying for true love (or at least what you thought was true love). Obviously if you’re the one paying the alimony then you brought in most of the money in the relationship. Because of that, in getting married to this person, you valued their love at the same level as your salary or maybe even more. When the marriage ends prematurely you’re expected to pay back that value of love in cash. A prenuptial agreement could have prevented that, but you assumed the risk by not getting one. Just like a hooker, you engaged in conversation with her and once you do that you’re culpable for whatever negative outcomes arise. It’s essentially like negotiating a hooker into servicing you for free. If there’s love then it’s possible. Of course that’s virtually impossible to set up with a prostitute, and that’s the key difference.

To some, there's not much difference between an ex-wife and a long term hooker, especially if she was blowing some other guy... for money.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Dumbass Sayings: “It’s a Gas”

Sometimes when you ask your grandma how the Rolling Stones concert was she says “It was a gas, gas gas!” I really don’t understand how this saying “It’s a gas” came to mean something fun. What’s really confusing is that it’s a saying elderly people started when they were young. The thing is, when they were young World War II was going on. World War II featured the Holocaust and a major part of the Holocaust was concentration camps. Concentration camps of course featured gas chambers. Obviously that was horrific beyond anything most people can imagine. The scars on humanity from that are still around even to this day. Even before that there was the introduction of mustard gas in World War I. Now how so many people affected by those wars could come up with the term “It’s a gas” to mean “fun times” is really beyond me. Gas is almost always a bad thing. Even when people fart it’s never pleasant. Sure farts can be fun, but there are plenty of things more fun. Farts are always a little bittersweet. Yes they produce a funny sound which is hilarious, but once you get the smell of someone else’s fart in your mouth and hits your tongue, that’s not my idea of a great time.

It's not a party unless there's vesicants involved!

Dumbass Sayings: "I’m Anal"

Sometimes you’ll be on a date with a woman and out of the blue she says “I’m really anal!” Inside you think “Okay good to know. I’ll take that little nugget of information for later!” Then later on there turns out to be a huge misunderstanding in the back of your car and the night ends horribly. The whole problem is this phrase “I’m anal.” You can’t describe yourself as a major sex act. When you say “anal” most people automatically assume you’re referring to “anal sex” NOT being organized. Why do we have to use the term anal for that? Just say you’re OCD. Even if it’s not clinically true at least there’s no misunderstanding in what you’re trying to communicate there. There’s really no reason to get anuses involved in this. Plus, if you were really anally retentive you probably wouldn’t want to bring up messy buttholes during dinner. That sounds more like the activity of an anally expulsive person. Plus, modern psychology has moved away from the whole “anal” diagnosis. Freud came up with that. He was the same guy who said everyone wants to bang their mother, I’m presuming anally depending on a few different factors. Personally I don’t subscribe to any of that and I think it’s something we could all do without.

No self respecting anal person would do something like this.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do They Make Tide Pods Look Like Candies?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My 24-month-old son got really sick eating one of those Tide laundry detergent pods because he thought it was candy. We had to take him to the emergency room it was horrible. Why do they make them look like candies in the first place? Who are they trying to impress? I don’t care what color those damn things are. They could be clear for all I care. Are they deliberately trying to poison children? This has happened a lot of times before. They’ve got those blue and orange swirls that make them look like mints. Hell sometimes I catch myself wanting to pop one in my mouth! They look delectable! Why don’t they change the damn colors to something less delicious looking? -- Leeann from Austin, Texas

Dear Leeann:

Okay first of all your son is 2-years-old, you can just say 2-years-old. And the people at Tide have changed the packaging to something less dull. It used to look like a transparent candy jar and now it looks more like an orange fish bowl and it has additional latches on it. I guess they assume it’s up to the parents to keep their kids from eating them. They could change the colors to look less tasty, but the colors are blue and orange. What kind of candy is blue and orange? That’s a horrible combination. No one likes orange and blueberry flavors together. I’m sure that goes into their reasoning. Also, no candies come in a thin water dissolvable membrane. It’d be nice if there were candies like that, but that’s another story. Bottom line, if you’re too lazy to pour your own laundry detergent and you need them in individual pods then you have to accept some risk for that reward. In this case, the risk is your child poisoning itself. Is that really worth the risk? Apparently enough parents say yes.

This is exactly what your child should do if they accidentally eat a detergent pod.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Ask McFartnuggets: “I Know You’re Not Allowed to Say The N-Word But Can You Type It?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Alright so I know you’re not allowed to say the N-word unless you’re Black, sometimes not even then. But what if you’re just typing it like in a text message or email or on a message board? Is that okay then? I’m not talking about calling someone the N-word I mean just typing it out in a general way like a song lyric. Thanks for the help! -- Doug from Boston, Massachusetts

Dear Doug:

This is a little complicated. While the N-word can’t be said out loud in any capacity without offending someone, typing is a little different. It really depends on where it’s being typed, by whom, and in what context . If it’s being typed in a text or even a forum as part of a song lyric it may not be such a big deal if it’s not being directed toward a Black person. On the other hand, regardless of the context if it’s being typed on Twitter or Facebook, you likely will get into some trouble since these are online environments more reflective of an actual social landscape. There are parts of the internet that no one takes seriously like MySpace or Tinder, but if you’re in one of the places that people treat like real life like Amazon or LinkedIn then you should avoid using the N-word at all costs there. For example, you can get in trouble for typing the R-word on Twitter and even though there are far more R-words on Twitter than N-words, you can bet the N-word will cause more problems. I usually stick to never saying or typing anything with an initial followed with a dash and the word “word.” As long as you follow that advice you’ll be safe at least until we can read each other’s minds.

Any time you have a question about the N-word, the answer is usually no.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Old Ladies Wear So Much Goddamn Perfume?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why do old ladies wear so much goddamn perfume? Do they think they smell good? What is going on in their head? How can they not know they’re overdoing it severely? Do they seriously get ready to go outside and think “Alright I want to smell like a greenhouse set on fire. I want to smell like a fucking explosion went off in a flower store! I want to smell like I just rolled around the pollen from a rose orgy!” Is that what they’re thinking when they produce this old lady stink? -- Lomas from North Bend, Indiana

Dear Lomas:

Well there are a few reasons for this. Primarily, as people get older they lose sensitivity of all their senses. As old people’s noses their sense of smell gets a lot duller. On top of that, as their body gets older it begins to decompose while they’re alive. Basically what happens is they smell that they’re rotting and do their best to cover it up with perfume. When they buy the perfume they don’t realize how it smells to other people. To them it probably does smell perfect. Then they compound the problem by using far too much of an already strong aroma and that combined with the muddled smell of dying flesh produces the “old lady stink” as you said. Ultimately, it’s not really their fault so you can’t blame them too much.

When you consider the alternative, it's probably better they're masking the natural musk of death.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com