Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Better to Hover Over the Toilet Seat or Cover it?”

If you can hover high
enough, go for it.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I hate using public bathrooms and I need some help here. I figure you’re an expert on bowel movementation so here it goes. If I get into the bathroom and see a toilet seat covered with diarrhea spray and peepee is it better to hover over the seat while I take a dump or should I cover it with twenty to fifty layers of toilet paper? Which is the safer method of poop? --Annabelle from Colorado

Dear Annabelle:

This is a conundrum that continues to plague scientists all over the world. You would think hovering is the best option because you’re not making any ass to seat contact at all. However, because your ass is higher above the water than if you were sitting that allows your turds to gain more force on their dive and increases the odds of splashback. When you get that filthy stranger toilet water up into your anus you may as well start making funeral arrangements. That’s no good at all. That’s a worst case scenario. That’s way worse than having a stranger’s poo on your buttflesh. Plus when you hover you’re always risking a cramp which can be very painful and may cause you to fall onto the bathroom floor which is disgusting or worse yet into the toilet itself. The best option of hover or cover has to be cover. You just need to cover A LOT. It may be a waste of paper, but if you only crap in public bathrooms once a year or so you can just plant a tree in your spare time to make up for it.

The last thing I’ll say is the toilet seat is always the main focus of people and that’s actually wrong. Science says that the average toilet seat is cleaner than most other things in the bathroom. One of those things it’s cleaner than is the lock on the door. That’s what you should be afraid of. The lock is the first thing people touch after wiping their ass and before washing their hands. That lock has to be the filthiest thing in a public bathroom and most people just touch it without even thinking twice. You can hang down off a rope 10 feet above the toilet that you’ve covered in industrial teflon spray and it won’t make a damn bit of difference if you touch that door lock then rub your eye or pick your nose. Please be wary of that regardless of whether you hover or cover.

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