The Top 5 World Records You DON’T Want

Not all world records
are created equal.

Everyone at once point in their life has wanted to have a Guinness World Record, but not all world records are created equal. Before you run to a genie and ask it to give you a world record you should read this list before you open the door for that blue bastard to severely trick you. These are the top 5 world records you don’t want to have:

5. Most STDs

Having the world’s most STDs might seem like an achievement, but it can’t be worth all that itching. After your tenth simultaneous STD you’re going to have to cordon off your genitals with police tape and label it a disaster zone.

Better listen to the mailbox.

4. World’s Smallest Penis

Genies love when people ask for a world record because the first thing they do is shrink that person’s dick down to the size of a Tic Tac then they just float there laughing and say “Voila! You are now the official world record holder for the world’s smallest penis!” Then you have to use the second wish to get it back to normal. That genie just wasted two of your wishes because you were stupid.

When your dick is the size of a legume that's nothing to be advertising to the public.

3. World’s Heaviest Person

They say bigger is better, well not when it comes to Body Mass Index. Everyone goes crazy about the World’s Tallest Person, but no one gives a damn about the World’s Heaviest Person. The WHP would probably be at home all day anyway so they can’t even share their gift with the world.

You can see the despair in the eyes.

2. World’s Oldest Virgin

Believe it or not there are some people who actually try to get all the other records previously listed, but there is one record that they’re not trying to get and that’s World’s Oldest Virgin. No one wants to be a 90-year-old guy who’s never at least accidentally had sex before.

Unless Oldie McGee wants to have this record he's going to have to sleep with that green dwarf.

And the number one worst world record to have is…

1. Most Children

Anyone who’s had a kid before knows one is enough, two is pushing it, three is too many, and anyone who has more than that is clearly mentally disturbed. These people on reality shows who have 30 kids are blights upon humanity and not only are they reviled by society, but their lives probably leave a lot to be desired. It’s just not a good idea to be responsible for the birth of more than 50 people. You open yourself up to too many responsibilities.

It's not uncommon for the winner of the World's Most Children award to hold the World's Most Nervous Breakdowns record too.