Ask McFartnuggets: “What is the Best Way to Get Out of a Rear Naked Choke?”

It's also known as
"The spoon of death."

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I got into a street fight last week and the other person got me into a rear naked choke. I tried to tap out, but because it was a street fight there was no referee there to break it up and I went unconscious. When I woke up I was in a dumpster with dicks carved into me with a knife and a beer bottle up my ass. I’m just wondering what I could have done differently. I want to be prepared if this ever happens again. What is the best way to get out of a rear naked chokehold? -- Hazel from New Orleans

Dear Hazel:

That’s a shame. I always try never to get into a fight in the first place, but if you are engaged in mortal combat and someone has your back and puts you in a rear naked choke you need to understand the severity of the situation. You could very easily die in this hold so it’s important to realize that there are no rules and you have to do everything you can to escape. What I like to do is start crapping in my pants. It’s actually a pretty natural response and that’s because it works so well. Very few people will want to be hugging your back when you’re shitting on yourself, especially if you’re wearing short shorts. Usually the smell alone will get them to lose focus for a second which should help you escape. I’m sorry to hear that happened to you, but at least you’re alive and now you know how to make sure it’ll never happen again!

Email me your questions at PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and remember, shitting your pants is usually the answer.