The Top 5 Benefits To Being Constipated

Milk is a great way to
become constipated.

Sometimes you eat too much cheese or chocolate and your internal plumbing gets all gummed up. You become constipated and can’t make a bowel movement. Constipation can be a serious problem if it doesn’t clear up after a few days, but there are some positives to consider. The next time you find yourself constipated just focus on the good things. Here are the top 5 benefits to being constipated:

5. You save toilet paper

Buying toilet paper is always a big pain in the ass and the wallet. Toilet paper companies know you need their product. They could raise prices as high as they want and it appears they’re trying. When you’re not crapping you don’t need toilet paper, it’s elementary.

We need to protect our trees and stop wiping our asses with their mutilated flesh.

4. You save water

If you go by the rule “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down” then when you’re constipated you are virtually never flushing the toilet. That is a great way to conserve water that not many people can manage.

That one week you didn't have to flush a turd probably helped the environment A LOT.

3. No more shit stains in your underpants

No one likes shit stains in their panties and fortunately when you’re constipated that means there’s no way shit stains are even possible! You can wear tights that dig all up in your ass and do yoga stretches all day and you won’t see a trace of feces on your undergarments!

Shit stains have been a problem for generations.

2. You don’t have to worry about having an accident

What’s everyone’s biggest fear besides public speaking? No, not terrorism, but close. It’s shitting in your pants in public. Well when you’re constipated, shitting in your pants would actually be a welcomed event. Sure you may have crapped your pants in a crowded train station, but at least you’re not going to die from fecal toxic shock syndrome.

As long as you're constipated there'll be no more need for wearing diapers to work.

And the number one benefit to being constipated is...

1. You have a lot of extra time on your hands

Think of all the time pooping takes up on your schedule. You waste several hours every week excreting waste from your body on the toilet. When you’re constipated you have an extra hour per day, (at least) to get other things done like house chores, cooking, shopping, etc. For someone with a busy lifestyle, sometimes becoming constipated is a godsend.

Looks like somebody's going to be able to finish their model train set!