Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Get an Ass Tumor From Keeping My Phone in my Back Pocket?”

Ass tumors are no fun.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I keep my iPhone in the back pocket of my pants and the other day someone at work mentioned I might get an ass tumor from the radiation. Is this possible? -- Sally from Richmond, Virginia

Dear Sally:

Mobile phone radiation has been classified by the INternational Agency for Research on Cancer as a Group 2B hazard which means “possibly carcinogenic.” No studies have ever found definitive evidence that cell phones cause cancer. Phones generally emit less than 1 watt of radiation so there’s not much radiation to begin with. Nearly all the radiation will be absorbed by your ass so as long as you’re not feeling any symptoms like tingling or pain on your asscheeks, butt tumors shouldn’t be a problem. If you see any small bumps appear you should get it checked out. It’s most likely just a run of the mill butt wart or ass pimple, but you can never be too sure.

Keep sending your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll answer them as soon as I can.