The Top 5 Holidays That Companies Wish Existed

Who wouldn't like
Whore Day?

By now we all know that most holidays are completely fabricated by corporations to get people to buy extra things they don’t need. Have you ever wondered why there aren’t more holidays? There are more and more holidays being celebrated every year and it won’t be long until you see these holidays on the calendar:

5. Diarrhea Day

Diarrhea Day has a nice ring to it and I’m sure McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and KFC would love to have this be a real holiday. They’ll create the myth that if you get diarrhea on Diarrhea Day Eve and leave it in the toilet, Diarrhea Man will come and bring you gifts. BUT only if you’ve had diarrhea. Fast food sales will spike higher than any other day in the year.

4. Stranger Day

It’s surprising we don’t yet have a holiday where you’re supposed to get a gift for a complete stranger. That’d be a pretty blatant way for companies to make money, but it also might be nice as long as kids aren’t allowed to celebrate because that would lead to a lot of problems. Cousin’s Day didn’t really take off, but Stranger Day might.

3. Uncle’s Day

Why don’t uncles get a holiday? Is it because they’re so creepy? Yes. Yes it is. Of course if this was a real holiday it’d basically be another Father’s Day which I’m sure Craftsman tools would appreciate. There is an Aunt and Uncle’s day but there’s no individual holiday.

2. Aunt’s Day

Aunts actually do deserve their own day. They’re like non-creepy uncles. When was the last time anyone ever got molested by their aunt? You rarely hear about that. It’s much less common to have a “close family friend” be referred to as “Aunt” which is why there’s less chance you’ve got an aunt molester.

And the number one holiday that corporations wished were real is...

1. Bring Your Alcoholism To Work Day

If there was a holiday where you were encouraged to come to work drunk, billions of dollars in revenue would be made. Beer and liquor companies would make a fortune. Auto manufacturers would have to make more cars to replace all the ones being totaled. Repair and body shops would experience business like never before. It would be the perfect holiday to revitalize America’s economy.

'Tis the season to vomit on a police officer!