Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Is Synchronized Dancing So Popular?" and “Why Do People At The Olympics Bite Their Gold Medals?"

Don't do drugs, kids.

Dear McFartnuggets: Whether it’s the Super Bowl halftime show or cheerleaders, or some flash mob, people always seem to like synchronized dancing. What is it about people doing the same dance at the same time that people love?-- Paulie from Baltimore

Dear Paulie:

People like dancing in large groups for the same reason the Germans during World War II used to do the Hitler salute at the same time. People just like doing things in concert with one another to feel like they’re part of a group which is sad, especially when it results in the near extermination of an entire ethnicity of people. So remember the next time you see a flash mob doing the “Thriller” dance, it’s basically the same thing as when you see North Korean soldiers to their little Rockettes high kick march.

Dear McFartnuggets: How come whenever someone wins a gold medal at the Olympics they bite it? Why do these dummies bite it? Are they hungry or something? -- Debbie from Portland

Dear Debbie:

Biting gold started as a way for people to tell if gold was real. Because gold is a malleable metal, if you can leave teeth marks in it, there’s a good chance it’s real. Now Olympic athletes on the other hand have no real reason to bite their medals. As it turns out, Olympic gold medals are actually less than 2% actual gold. Maybe they’re biting to prove that the medals are phony and the whole concept of the Olympics is just an empty tradition meant to give meaning to fringe sports that no one normally pays to see like rowing, curling, and rhythmic gymnastics. The fact of the matter is there’s no real reason for Olympic athletes to bite their medals. It’s all for a photo and since that’s the case they’d be better sticking the medal up their ass. I’m sure that would get the flashbulbs popping.

Bite on this!

Keep sending your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and maybe I’ll answer them here live!

Ask McFartnuggets: “How Can I Keep Co-Workers From Eating My Lunch?"

Dear McFartnuggets: Nearly every day I bring lunch to work and put it in the refrigerator it’s gone by the time I get to it at around 1 PM. It’s gotten so bad I started bringing purposely bad lunches like day old egg and fish stick sandwiches and even those get taken! What the hell can I do to stop this? -- Terrence from Lincoln, Nebraska

Dear Terrence:

You probably want to find the man or woman at work whose breathe smells like rotten eggs and fish sticks and attack their face like a rabid mongoose, but there is a better way to solve your problem. Coyotes have been known to urinate on their food to mark it as their property. There’s really no reason why you can’t do the same thing. Just peepee a little in your food, it’s totally sterile as long as you don’t have an STD. Also, urine is said to have medical properties that some people swear by, so it really can’t hurt you. Before you do this, record yourself on video of you peeing into the food. Keep a security camera by the refrigerator and when you find out who’s been eating your meals call them over and show them your peepee footage. My guess is they’ll never touch your food again. You can continue peeing into your lunch for fun at that point, but it won’t totally be necessary. Thanks for the conundrum.

Labeling your lunch does nothing. People know it's not theirs. That's how they get their sick kicks.

Send your queries to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and maybe I’ll answer them live on air!

Dumbass Sayings: “There’s No Such Thing As A Free Lunch”

A "lunch", presumably one that has been paid for.

There’s a saying in economics that “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”. The saying began in the early 20th century where bars that would advertise a free lunch to lure customers in so they would buy drinks. The idea is that even if a meal is technically free, there still is some kind of price. For instance if an annoying friend invites you out to lunch and pays for it, that’s technically a free lunch, but you had to sit through them talking the whole time about their stupid nonsense so at the end of the day it’s like you really did pay for the meal. 

"There's no such thing as a free lunch" is a dumbass saying because of homeless people. If there’s no such thing as a free lunch then how the hell do these people survive? Are they only eating breakfast and dinner? There have to be a few free lunches in there somewhere. So there is such a thing as a free lunch, but you can only have one if you’re homeless which is fine because in that case you actually need one. If you’re not homeless, pay for your damn lunch. Is that so difficult? Case closed.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Is The Appropriate Thing To Say When Someone Farts?"

"I detect a strange odor..."

Dear McFartnuggets: We all know when someone sneezes you say “God bless you” but what about when someone farts? I wish there was something to say instead of just standing there awkwardly smelling it trying to keep a straight face. What should I be saying? -- Leonard from Tucson

Dear Leonard:

You’re right, it is pretty awkward when someone farts, but the best thing you can do is make light of it so it’s not a serious moment. I like to say “Assundheit!”, a play off the traditional “Gesundheit”. Also another thing you can say is “Do you need a tissue?” if it sounded like a wet one.

Perhaps the best thing you can do after someone audibly farts near you is fart right back at them. By them farting, they opened a very narrow window for you to fart and take a free ride off their original fart. It’s already awkward that they farted so you farting is not nearly as bad. This is really great when you have one pent up. It’s a lot like seeing the first couple start dancing at a party. It makes the person feel good because they know they let loose and broke the ice for everyone else. Just be careful this doesn’t spread too far in a big room because if dozens of people start cutting farts it’s going to get deadly in there like a Roman steam room of raw methane and I doubt your dentist will appreciate that in his waiting room. To prevent this from happening if you hear a fourth and fifth farter, start staring at them like they did something disgusting. Yes it is a bit hypocritical, but at a certain point you’re preventing a potential ecological disaster.

Thanks for the question! Send more to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com!

Overly Sentimental Budweiser Super Bowl Commercial

From YouTube - Budweiser

For some reason it’s a Super Bowl tradition for Budweiser to put out a really heartwarming, sentimental commercial. Everyone loves them, they’re a big hit, but the fact of the matter is they’re still selling beer. They’re selling the reason your uncle can’t get his life under control and is borderline suicidal. It’s okay that you got blackout drunk and crapped on the floor at a Dunkin Donuts and got arrested, because there’s a puppy playing with a horse.

Budweiser and parents must know that young children watch these commercials and it plants a seed inside their brains that links happy puppies and horses with the name Budweiser. The ideal Budweiser commercial should just be a family drinking Budweiser together having a nice relaxed time and it ends with the father NOT beating everyone. Instead, people see the puppies and the horses and get all depressed, go to the liquor store, buy a 30 pack, get shitfaced and scream “THE PUPPY LOVED THE HORSE!” with their pants down in the middle of town. And by “people” I mean me.

Toyota Commercial Featuring The Muppets

From YouTube - ToyotaUSA

Here’s a Toyota commercial for this year’s Super Bowl featuring everyone’s favorite, The Muppets. The weird thing about this commercial is The Muppets appeal to mostly children and this is a car commercial. Why are they marketing motor vehicles to children? Then we wonder why a 9-year-old steals his parents’ keys and goes on a joyride and ends up crashing the car into a ditch.

If they mean to appeal to adults with The Muppets then that’s ridiculous too because if you’re a grown adult who would buy a car just because there are Muppets in the commercial then you arguably shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a car to begin with. People like that are the reason America averages around 5 million car crashes per year. Companies always use puppets to sell their products, but at least get human puppets.

Ask McFartnuggets: “What Body Part Should I Wash First In The Shower?” and “What Are Q-Tips For?"

Dear McFartnuggets: When I take a shower I never know where to start first. Is there a proper place to start washing? Where do you start? -- Mintrelle from Orlando.

Dear Mintrelle:

It’s all a matter of personal preference. You can really start wherever you want except the crotch and ass. Basically anywhere other than the crotch and ass are a good place to start. Only a psychopath would wash their ass before their face and hair. See I don’t mind having my face dirt in my ass, but I don’t want my ass dirt in my face. That’s the key there and never forget it, Mintrelle.

Always make sure to wash your barrel out before you bathe in it.

Dear McFartnuggets: I’ve seen this commercial for the Wax Vac an ear vacuum that sucks your ear wax out and they say you shouldn’t use q-tips to clean your ears. So if q-tips aren’t meant to clean your ears, what the hell am I supposed to do with them? -- Lucy from Oregon.

Dear Lucy:

The Wax Vac people are right, you’re not supposed to use q-tips to clean your ears. According to doctors, ear wax is totally natural and your ears clean themselves. Using q-tips or other off brand cotton swabs to clean your ears can damage the eardrum and actually pack in ear wax. So what do you use q-tips for? Well, doctors never said anything about picking your nose with them. I use q-tips to pick my nose and my ass all the time. Obviously I’m not using them to wipe my ass, but they are helpful in getting those little stubborn bits that if you don’t take care of, gravity will eventually over the course of the day into your underpants if you know what I’m saying. So far I have not met a single doctor who has a problem with this. In fact, most of them try to change the subject almost immediately.Thanks for the question, Lucy!

Toothpicks are Q-Tip's dangerous cousins.

Send your questions for me to answer on the air to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do I Always Have To Poop Twice?”

Sequels aren't always filmed in the greatest of places.

Dear McFartnuggets: How come when I poop, no matter how much I poop usually I have to poop again about half an hour later? It’s very annoying because I will poop before work and leave the house thinking it’s over and then on the highway need to poop again. It’s terrible! How do I stop this? -- Leeanne from Texas

Dear Leeanne:

Yes this is a strange, yet common phenomena known as “Sequel Dump Syndrome”. You see each bowel movement you take is a lot like a new movie and yes a lot of movies have sequels. The problem is, most sequels never live up to the original and are often rushed and made just for sheer profit minus the desire to actually create art. The trick is realizing during the first one that there may be potential for a sequel. If you see or feel a “teaser” or even a secret “post credits sequence” with Samuel L. Jackson recruiting a turd inside of your ass that’s a big hint you’re going to have a blockbuster sequel coming and you need to make proper contingency plans for that.

Aside from that there’s really nothing you can do. New movies are always coming down the pipe and you just have to pray the system is churning out good material. The real key is just getting the right actors, that means eating healthy, (vegetables, fruits, whole grains, etc.). You’re the producer and sometimes the director, though if you eat Taco Bell for instance, you may not be in control of any of the action. Beware of foreign directors. If you want a predictable time stick to the old standbys, don’t eat stuff from Morocco and expect to have a solid film. Anyway, I hope that helped and good luck with your BMs!

If you have any questions, preferably not bathroom related, email them to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com!

Why Are Thanksgiving and Christmas The Only Charitable Holidays?

Have you ever wondered why Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only times in the year when people get really charitable? I think it’s because they feel so good it makes them feel guilty about it so they want to help. Well what about other holidays? I guess other holidays aren’t as great, so there’s less guilt, but that doesn’t change the fact that there are millions of homeless people out there starving to death the rest of the year waiting for late November and December. I propose doing charitable things for every holiday on the calendar.

For Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day help out a random African American homeless person in your neighborhood. Yes, you are singling someone out based on race which is kind of the opposite of what Dr. King wanted, but you’re helping them so that’s fine. It’s the literal version of reverse racism.

It was Dr. King's other dream to be a magician.

For Groundhog Day select a random hobo to help and give them a care package or some money. Then about an hour later, encounter them again and give them another gift but pretend like you’ve never seen them before and keep repeating this until they’re thoroughly confused.

Don't bother trying to sell them life insurance.

For Valentine’s Day give a heart shaped box of chocolates to a homeless person and give them a peck on the lips, or just the cheek if it appears they have a lot of oral sores. A raw heart is also a nice, appropriately themed gesture and no it doesn't have to be human.

I'm sure most homeless would appreciate a HEARTY meal on Valentine's Day.

For St. Patrick’s Day give a homeless person a bottle of liquor. People always say “Why should I give any money to that hobo, he’s just gonna blow it on hooch!” Well St. Patrick’s Day is the day everyone does that so stop making them feel left out. We’re all the same when we’re vomiting.

I wonder what it's like to throw up in zero gravity.

On Easter have an Easter egg hunt for all the homeless people in the land except instead of hard boiled eggs, use plastic eggs and put some money in there. Or use hard boiled eggs, that’d probably be fine too.

What do rabbits have to do with Easter? They make a great meal for homeless people!

On Halloween invite as many hobos as you can to a costume party and tell everyone they’re just normal people with awesome hobo costumes and let them laugh and dance the night away to the Monster Mash.

I hope someone alerted the police to this van.

And by that time Thanksgiving is right around the corner and Christmas isn’t far behind. I’m not saying it’s the perfect plan, but I think we’d all agree if everyone participated in this, life would be a little less difficult for all our homeless friends.

Insane Diaper Commercial Banned By TV Censors

Babies get to crap their pants to get out of stupid piano recitals, but when I do it I get kicked out of the PTA. Is that fair?

Deleting YouTube Comment Replies

If I could have any superpower it would be to delete boring, repetitive, idiotic, ignorant, racist, hateful comments and spam from YouTube. Well I can’t do that YET, but Google has given me the next best thing and allowed me to delete REPLIES to my comments. I discovered I could do this when I saw a spam marketing reply to one of my top comments. Some fool urchin was trying to sell their iPads to people getting a chuckle from one of daddy’s funfuns! Can you believe that? What kind of world are we living in here, folks?!

I don’t think I’ll be deleting any more replies other than spam, but it is nice to have that capability. “Oh, you don’t like what I said and you want to tell me directly? BOOM! Into virtual oblivion you go!” It’s like the online equivalent of a “Talk to the hand” gesture. Best of all, it doesn’t encroach on free speech because you can say whatever the hell you want in your own comment. Then if you don’t like what I have to say about it, you can delete MY reply. It’s a very accurate representation of how the real world works. You can say whatever you want, that’s free speech, but don’t be surprised when someone deletes your ass.

It's important to maintain good posture when telling someone to romance themselves in the anus with a rusty chainsaw and then take their family to die in an oily car fire.

The Top 5 WORST Fantasy Sports Ever

Everyone knows fantasy sports are hot, the hottest one being football, but there are tons of other fantasy sports out there that could be the next big thing. If you want to get in early on the next big fantasy sport, I can’t help you, but I can tell you to avoid these:

5. Fantasy Competitive Eating

Let’s face it, it’s every American’s fantasy to be paid to stand in front of a giant plate of hot dogs and stuff their face, so the next best thing is to play a fantasy version of that with additional points for unconventional food items like oysters and chicken livers. This is a good game in theory that could help spur popularity for competitive eating on a national level, but basically whoever drafts Joey Chestnut wins every single year in a landslide so that takes the fun out of it.

Get em, Lardass!

4. Fantasy Golf

Football is so exciting that just pretending you’re involved in the game with a fantasy team is fun. Golf on the other hand is not exciting at all, so just pretending you’re involved in golf with a fantasy team is some boring ass shit. No one is ever yelling death threats at Rory McIlroy for not hitting an eagle on the 8th hole and causing their fantasy golf team to lose. No one cares, there’s no passion there.

These are the things that dreams are made of.

3. Fantasy Cycling

Why would you play a fantasy game for something you can just go outside and do yourself? If you have a bicycle, forget fantasizing about cycling and just go pedaling. I’m sure the Tour De France is a big moment for Fantasy Cycling fans, but the actual thing isn’t exciting enough for normal people so why the hell would a fantasy version be?

Sorry, I can't take this seriously.

2. Fantasy Pro Gaming

Even worse than Fantasy Cycling is Fantasy Pro Gaming where people draft teams of their favorite professional competitive gamers from games like League of Legends and compete to see whose team of Asians-- I mean, players do best. Fantasizing about other people playing video games is bad, but it’s not as bad as our number 1 worst fantasy sport...

Looks like a Nike commercial in here!

1. Fantasy Fantasy Football

Yeah, that’s right. Fantasy Fantasy Football. This is where you draft a team of your favorite fantasy players and compete with other teams to see who scores the most points each week. It’s kind of like “Inception” except a lot sadder. It’s a fantasy about a fantasy. It’s like dreaming about being in a dream world, it’s completely redundant and pointless. One could argue that all fantasy sports are a waste of time, but no one can argue the greatest waste of time is Fantasy Fantasy Football. And it will stay that way until the world comes up with Fantasy Fantasy Pro Gaming.

If we're not careful one day they'll be selling computers at Sports Authority.

Drunk Rob Ford Reenacts 2013 Volkswagen Jamaican Super Bowl Commercial

From YouTube - Toronto TheCity

Toronto mayor Rob Ford was caught speaking in a Jamaican accent at a fancy press conference and that has offended some. Is this an act of racism? Maybe he was just getting into the Super Bowl spirit and rewatching some of the more controversial commercials from 2013’s game, like this one:

A lot of people found the Volkswagen commercial offensive too, but it’s all relative. If a Jamaican person talked “White” would we find that offensive? No. That’s just a normal thing. Why is that normal? I think people only find it offensive when it’s a different sounding voice like Jamaican or Chinese. Had he been talking in a Texas accent no one would have cared. Maybe the problem is that people view a Jamaican accent as different and funny (as in the Volkswagen ad). It shouldn’t be. Also the guy’s name is Ford and he’s mimicking a Volkswagen commercial. Could we be seeing an automotive buyout in the future? No, probably not.

Top 5 WORST Substitutes For Toilet Paper

There aren’t many more horrific moments in life than when you’re done releasing the brown dragons and you realize there’s no toilet paper. When faced with crisis, the key is to remain calm and make wise decisions, but the natural instinct is to panic. If you’re going to panic, just don’t use these:

5. Purell

Rubbing Purell on your ass seems like a good idea in theory, but If you’ve ever actually applied it to your butthole before you know it burns like the Dickens! It burns like the collective works of Charles Dickens at a book burning. Human butt tissue was not meant to experience that type of alcohol so the chemical reaction is intense and shall I say, UNPLEASANT.

Yeah... I wouldn't put that anywhere near my ass if I was you.

4. Compressed air

So you don’t have any toilet paper around at your office and you’re thinking “Hey this compressed air cleans the dust out of keyboard, why not the poo out of my asschute?” Well that’s where you’re wrong because it just creates a mess and if that weren’t enough, if you accidentally tilt the can wrong (which you will because you’re pointing it behind your ass) the liquid will shoot out and frostbite your anus.

All this, but pressed into a tiny can.

3. Sea shells

Everyone’s seen the Stallone action classic “Demolition Man” that depicts a future where people wipe their asses with sea shells. The joke is that the man from the present has no idea how to use them. Clearly there’s a scraping method involved and unless you have special sanded sea shells I would not recommend this method seeing as the edge of a sea shell can often be hewn by the ocean to a near razor-like sharpness.

Oh look they carved a little design into it.

2. Fiberglass insulation

So you shit your pants in the attic again. There’s no TP, but you see a chunk of pink fluffy stuff sticking out of the ceiling. You reach up to grab a clump. HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Fiberglass is basically mini fibers of glass spun up like cotton candy. Normally rubbing cotton candy on your butthole is fine unless you’re diabetic, but not so much when it’s made out of damaging glass particles. The label on fiberglass warns that it can irritate eyes. Rest assured that applies for your brown one too.

"This crystal ball is telling me not to put glass up my ass."

1. Chainsaw

This one is a little obvious, but I don’t think anyone would argue that a chainsaw is the number 1 worst substitute for toilet paper. That’s just a fact. Facts are facts. Chainsaws and the human ass do NOT mix. It’s like oil and water, if oil tore water’s ass open. If there’s no toilet paper around, but you see a rusty chainsaw next to the toilet, just don’t even bother. Pull your pants up and walk home.

Rule 1 about asswiping: If it can cut stone, keep it away from your pooper.

Depressing Toothpaste Commercial Featuring Very Old Actor

This was from before everyone knew about Alzheimer’s and other aging diseases. I’m guessing that’s why the producers of this commercial decided to use the elderly man despite the fact he had no idea where he was or what he was saying.

The Top 5 BEST Substitutes For Toilet Paper

We've all been there, on the beach or at a concert, or at the movies where it's too late to get to a bathroom and you definitely don't want to crap your pants so you poo on the floor. The only real problem with this is there's NO TOILET PAPER! So what do you do? Do you pull your pants up, act like it never happened and continue shopping at the mall? No! You find a toilet paper substitute and finish the job! Here's a list of the top 5 best toilet paper substitutes you're gonna want to keep an eye out for.

5. Newspaper

When there’s no toilet paper, a newspaper is one of your best choices. It’s not a great choice since sometimes they’re all dirty and you’ll look like an octopus just busted a nut in your ass, BUT on the bright side it IS paper and you’ll have something to read right there. Plus, it’s always nice to wipe your ass with the Entertainment section.

I wouldn't recommend wiping with this particular issue. It's probably pretty valuable and also filthy as hell.

4. Garden shovel

Now I’m thinking more like one of those small handheld ones, but if you’ve got a huge ass and long arms maybe you need an actual shovel, I’m not sure. The nice thing about the shovel is it provides that great scooping action. If it’s possible, lubricate it to keep the metal from scraping you.

You should probably only use this one if you're a Marine or a trained professional.

3. Handful of dry rice

We all know dry rice is the solution for a watersoaked smartphone, but did you know it’s also a solution for a poopsoaked anus? There’s really no sensation like it in the world. The only problem is getting your hands on some in the moment of truth. Just don’t let anyone think they’re chocolate sprinkles, or DO if it’s your intention to pull a prank.

I think that's rice.

2. Your hand

An old staple. The last resort, yet often the best. Sure it’s gross, but that’s why we have a magical invention called “The back of someone’s jacket” to wipe your hands clean.

Some argue we evolved to wipe with our hands.

1. Someone else’s hand

The only better wiping option short of actual toilet paper or your hand is someone else’s hand, preferably attached to the person. Some people might say “But what about another person’s--!” Let me stop you right there. First off, that’s sick. Second, it costs too much. I’m taking price into account here and paying someone to wipe your ass with their hand is a lot cheaper than having them lick it.

Whoops, wrong picture!