Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Racist to Hate Rap?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

So every time I tell people that I hate rap they tell me I’m racist for that. Is it racist to not like music that all sounds the same talking about bitches, hoes, money, and cars? Is that racist?! I mean sure it’s mostly African Americans doing this, but I’m not racist against them I just hate their music. Is that racist? Please tell me. Is it really racist to hate music that degrades women and brags about frivolous expenditures of money? Is that truly racist? -- Nicole from Portland, Maine

Dear Nicole:

Hating an entire genre of music is in itself not racist, however it may be indicative of some prejudices. For example if you hated Chinese pan flute music and told people how much you hated it all the time, some people might assume you’re racist based on your strong negative feelings toward music so interweaved into a specific ethnicity or culture. Rap was created by black people so it’s their version of Chinese pan flute music. There’s really no reason to hate music. If you don’t like it, don’t listen to it. When you get into hating music then it’s often linked to other hate. For example, if you dislike Justin Bieber’s music, as most people with ears do, that’s okay, but if you HATE it then you probably hate Justin Bieber as a person. The only reason to hate someone is if you’re resentful of their existence. This may be for a multitude of reasons. Maybe you’re jealous they have success despite having little perceived talent, maybe you think they live life in a way you don’t agree with, maybe you just don’t like the way they look. Now to feel that way about a single person is okay, but to place that on a whole genre of music and subsequently a culture of people is worse. You can’t be surprised when that’s met with accusations of racism. In final answer to your question, no it’s not racist to hate rap, but it can be, and anything that can be considered racist usually is.

Just because you don't like Grandmaster Flash doesn't mean you're a Grand Wizard, but most Grand Wizards probably don't like Grandmaster Flash.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Take Care”

When you’re ending a phone call with someone they’ll sometimes say “Okay bye. Take care!” Take care where? Where do I take it and what do I do with it once I get there? Should I give it to someone else? Does it matter who I give it to? I mean it’s your care, you don’t care who gets your care? Should I just put it under my bed and hide it away? Should I eat it and try to make it a part of my own soul? There are so many options here I’m not prepared for this. Why is my job now to be a transporter of care? Great now I have this responsibility to take care. What a burden to lay on someone. Fuck you! YOU take care! Take all my care and load it onto your back. How does that feel? How do you like it? Basically saying “take care” is just a less ominous and threatening way of saying “be careful.” There’s a reason you don’t say “be careful” to people who are just leaving to go to the store. We’re not in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. If you told people “be careful” instead of “take care” most people would answer “Be careful of what?” Exactly. And since the two phrases mean basically the same thing, “take care” is just as ridiculous.

I told her to take care... She should have listened!

Ask McFartnuggets: “Was Michael Jackson Transracial?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
With all this talk about Rachel Dolezal, the issue of transracial people is being treated like a brand new thing. Don’t you think people are forgetting about Michael Jackson? This isn’t a new thing. Michael Jackson was Black and he became White. He was the opposite of Rachel Dolezal years and years before she was in the news, back when she was White! Isn’t it sad how quickly we’ve forgotten about the King of Pop? -- Ethan from Galveston, Texas

Dear Ethan:

The reason people don’t bring up Michael Jackson in this discussion is because Michael Jackson wasn’t exactly transracial. He never officially claimed to be White. White was just how everyone else saw him, that’s the key thing to keep in mind. His outward physical identity was that of a White woman, but his inside identity that he believed was a Black man. Some may have viewed him as a White man, some may have viewed him as a Black woman, that’s what makes it all very confusing. We have two identities: the one that we believe in our minds and the one that other people see. The ideal situation is to have those two match exactly, but when you’re a little different the trouble comes in reconciling the two. Ultimately, you’re not transracial unless you truly believe you’re another ethnicity. At that point it’s up to you to do your best to match what you think you are so you can trick people like Rachel Dolezal apparently did. If you do a good enough job you’ll be fine. If not and you get caught, expect people to be very offended. That goes the same for transgender. If you’re good enough to fool people into believing you were born a woman then great, but if you still have a penis that’s going to offend a lot of people, especially if they paid good money to sleep with a real woman.

Just because he became as white as his glove doesn't mean he was transracial.

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Dumbass Sayings: “Got Beef”

When two people don’t enjoy each other’s company, people who observe this conflict say “They got beef with each other.” My question is how did cow meat become synonymous with dislike? Normally when you take someone out for steak or a hamburger it means you’re pretty friendly. You don’t eat cheeseburgers around people you hate, unless you’ve just stopped into a local Wendy’s in a state of drunken depression. Ironically, inviting someone to a steak dinner is probably the best possible way to “Squash beef” with someone as long as you don’t accidentally sit on their steak. “Squashing beef” is what people call putting an end to the “beef.” Shouldn’t it be called “eating beef”? If you squash beef all you’re doing is tenderizing it and making it easier to chew. “Squashing beef” could be the phrase used to describe the beginnings of a truce. If that were the case then it would be a pretty accurate term as tenderizing the flesh breaks it down. Ultimately, to get rid of the beef entirely you must consume it. Let’s just hope there’s no Mad Cow Disease in there otherwise tensions might start to heat up again like the grill at a 4th of July BBQ.

Having too many beefs can be hazardous to your health in the long run.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Don’t We Put Microchips in Prisoners Yet?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Yo, I keep hearing about how the government has this microchip technology and they’re putting the microchips in babies all secretively and shit so how come they don’t they just put microchips in people who go to jail? That way when murderers escape from prison in New York because a fat lady gave them tools they can just be found right away instead of out on the loose forever! Wouldn’t that be dandy? -- Marsha from Newport, Rhode Island

Dear Marsha:

Well right now the science shows that microchip technology is not yet safe for humans. You simply can’t put a microchip GPS transmitter in human flesh without it causing cancer or other health issues. Once they can figure out how to fix that I’m sure convicted murderers will have them as well as every newborn child. Maybe even some other type of tracking device like an ankle bracelet that couldn’t be removed would be a nice extra insurance measure for controlling prisoners. The fact is, inmates escape so rarely that any of these extra tactics are financially excessive and would further raise expenses for prisons. I don’t think prisons can afford anything like that at the moment so until then they’ll just let the occasional murderers escape and hope they smoke weed in public or something so they can be arrested immediately.

The microchips they put in dogs aren't GPS trackers, they contain information and are scanned when someone finds the dog. 

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Dumbass Sayings: “I Need This Money, I Have a Baby on the Way!”

One pretty common thing you hear on game shows is “I need this money, I have a baby on the way!” If you need money, don’t have a baby. It’s pretty simple. Babies are like cars. Think of that Nationwide commercial with the giant babies. You wouldn’t lease an expensive car if you had no money, so why would you birth a baby with no money? If only baby dealerships What moron has a baby and then tries to figure out how to get the money to raise it properly in good health after the fact? This is what’s wrong with the world. Too many people who can’t afford to have children have them anyway and the kid gets poor healthcare, a crappy education, and grows up to be a sick dummy who only takes resources and contributes none. I’m not saying only wealthy people should breed, I’m saying people should have enough money to facilitate a plan on how to raise a kid. You can’t just raise a kid freestyle with no money and think that’s going to turn out okay. You gambled with an expired condom that broke and now you’re gambling with the future of your child because you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. That wouldn’t be a huge problem, but this is happening on a wide scale and collectively it’s threatening the progress of humankind.

Condoms are a pretty good long term investment.

Ask McFartnuggets: “If Reincarnation is Real Then is Killing Animals Good?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I don’t want to die so I like the idea of reincarnation and being reborn over and over again, I’m just trying to understand a little bit more about it. According to reincarnation when you die your soul goes into a baby or an animal. If that’s true then wouldn’t it be good to kill animals? Because then by killing animals you’d be releasing their souls and since they were murdered, those animal souls who used to be people could go back into new people and live better more enriching human lives. Now that would be bad karma to kill animals, but since you’re releasing their souls and advancing them in the reincarnation chain then that would actually be doing them a favor and if you’re doing it for that reason then that’s actually a good thing. So if reincarnation is real shouldn’t killing animals be good karma? -- Donna from Wichita, Kansas

Dear Donna:

That might be true if living as an animal was that bad. Thing about it is, I don’t think animals have it so bad. Those that do have it bad like animals with birth defects usually end up dying pretty quickly because humans don’t try as hard as we do with other humans to keep them alive. If the human’s soul was conscious in the animal then I would agree, however according to reincarnation you don’t know about your past lives. If you did then most people would be completely insane walking around like immortal gods who’ve lived a thousand lifetimes. Killing animals will never be good karma even if their souls did continue to move on without any real damage. The reason for that is animals are part of an ecosystem and if we decided to do a mass animal holocaust as a good deed it would end up causing human beings harm and that would then cancel out the goodness of converting the animal soul back to human bodies. Just try not to kill anything or anyone. If their souls do move on after the death of their body then it will happen and continue to happen throughout eternity. Your intervention isn’t necessary and would not be rewarded.

It's okay, they're people now.

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Dumbass Sayings: “I Could Give a Rat’s Ass”

Sometimes when you’re telling people about all the charity work you do for the homeless they say “I could give a rat’s ass!” Okay well that’s rude, but more importantly, how would you “give a rat’s ass?” There are a few problems with this. Firstly, I don’t think rats even have asses. I’ve never seen a rat twerking, have you? Secondly, even if a rat did have an ass, how would you give one? Would you cut the ass off of a rat and then hand it to someone? Thirdly, how is that a sign of caring or not caring about something? Unless you’re a cat, giving a rat as a gift is not a recognized gesture of anything. Fourthly, a rat’s ass is not yours to give. That’s the property of a rat. Now if you want to “give a shit” and it’s your own shit then please be my guest, but don’t go around just co-opting the anatomy of rodents for your bizarre metaphoric purposes. And fifthly, what does it even mean that you “could give a rat’s ass”? So you could give a rat’s ass, but you don’t because giving a rat’s ass means you’re interested and you’re not, or does it mean that you could easily give a rat’s ass and that means you aren’t interested because merely a rat’s ass (i.e. something of little value)? Frankly, I don’t think either explanation is valid. This is an insane thing to say that literally makes no sense in any possible way.

You literally can't give a rat's ass. It's like dividing 0 by 0.