Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do You Always Post Comments on YouTube Videos?”

Why you make comment
me no like?

Dear McFartnuggets: Why do you always post comments on YouTube videos? Are you some kind of attention whore or something? I used to think your comments were funny, but it’s getting really annoying to see your dumb clown face all the time on every single video I watch! Why don’t you just get a life and stop commenting on everything?! -- Diana from Blue Ball, Arkansas

Dear Diana:

If you’re that bothered by my comments you can just block them. It’s easy. If you don’t like my comments then I want you to see them as much as you do. They’re not for you, they’re for people who can take a joke and don’t obsess over comment sections. Once you block someone you never see their comments come up. I don’t know why people can’t figure this out. Maybe it’s because they’re morons which is why they’re complaining about this kind of stuff in the first place. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to people that I comment on videos. They love to mention that I’m on every video. Well if you see me on every video then that means you’re on every video too. That’s the irony people don’t notice. If I “have no life” because I comment on “every” video then how much more of a life do you have if you’re on all the same videos commenting on them too? Think about it, but not too hard, you might hurt yourself. Some people say I’m an attention whore then proceed to shower me with all their attention. Do you see how stupid that is? Do everyone a favor and just find something a little more important to be upset about. Try battling against world hunger or working to find a cure for Cancer. At the very least, go focus your attention on people who comment on every video and aren’t even mildly interesting. Maybe when you come back I’ll be gone. Probably not, but at least you’ll be thinking about someone else for a change.

Feel free to ask any questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com I answer them all even the negative ones.

Dumbass Sayings: “Laughing All The Way To The Bank”

When you wake up after being blackout drunk the night before sometimes you’ll notice your wallet that had 200 dollars in it is now empty. You start trying to remember what happened and you get an image of a whore lady. One of your friends who was at the hotel room tells you that you paid her to spend the night, then passed out while she was “laughing all the way to the bank.” Laughing all the way to the bank is not a smart thing to do. If you’re driving to the bank, that’s very unsafe. Driving while laughing should be considered driving while distracted. If you’re walking in an urban area there’s a good chance someone will see you laughing your way to the bank and see you as a perfect mugging target. They see someone walking and laughing hysterically at a big handful of money and their first inclination is to rob your ass. When you’re laughing you’re not fully paying attention to your surroundings. That’s why laughing and driving is so dangerous. So yeah I hope I find that lady laughing her way to the bank so I can take my money back while she’s busy yucking it up.

If people at banks still looked like this then maybe I could understand laughing there.

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do People Get Disgusted When There’s Hair in Their Food?”

Human hair is a great
source of protein.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

Why do people get grossed out when they find a hair in their food? It’s just a hair. There’s no diseases you can get by eating someone’s hair. I work at a restaurant and whenever someone finds a hair in their soup they want to return it to the kitchen and request a new one. Of course all we do is remove the hair, heat the soup a little and bring them back the same damn bowl. They eat it and we never hear of them dying or something so clearly the food isn’t contaminated by the hair. Why are people such wussies when it comes to finding a hair in their food? -- Donna from Springfield, Illinois

Dear Donna:

It’s a normal reaction to be disgusted when you find a stranger’s hair in your food. You don’t know where the hair came from, whose head it came off of, if it even came from a head, and what was on it. Sure you might not get sick from a hair, but you can get a disease. If that hair has lice all over it and you don’t notice, when you go to put it up to your lips the lice can latch onto your mustache. Then later those lice can spread to your eyebrows, scalp, and pubic hair. Technically pubic lice is considered a disease so yes you can get a disease from people’s hair. Plus, eating hair is just gross. It’s made of the same material as nails and if you found someone’s nail clippings in your soup would you just fish them out and keep eating it? And who knows where the hair came from. Sure it could be straight, but maybe that person perms their pubes. You never know. That’s why it’s better to tread on the safe side when it comes to your food.

I’m still getting a lot of questions sent to me so please be calm as I try to answer them all. If you want you can still send more to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com but don’t be offended if I don’t get to your question immediately. I’m geting very backed up here!

Five Places on the Human Body That Most People Never Wash

It's tricky to position
your balls in the sink.

When it comes to human hygiene there are certain places on our bodies that we tend to all neglect. George Carlin once said “You must only wash the four key areas: Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth.” That may be true to achieve plain survival, but if you want to be truly clean you’re going to have to look beyond the four key areas and think about the parts of the body that no one ever washes. Here are five good places to check:

1. Lips

When was the last time you washed your lips? Most people just wipe them off with a napkin, but who really ever scrubs their lips with soap? Think about that before you kiss someone or let them kiss you.

Average human lips are coated in a strange mixture of dried food, mucus, saliva, and quite possibly herpes.

2. Ankles

If you walk around without socks or wear sandals instead of shoes then there’s a good chance your ankles get pretty filthy. It’s important to scrub your ankles at the end of each day because otherwise your ankles will drag dirt onto your bedsheets.

Don't forget to wash over your calcaneofibular ligament.

3. The knee pit

When you’re out jogging or doing any strenuous activity, your legs can get sweaty. When that happens the sweat drips into the pit behind your knee. That sweat and bacteria gets locked in the pit and usually stays there to fester since the back of the knee is not a well washed area.

You wash your armpits and your crotchpit so why not your kneepit?

4. Eyelashes

The eyelashes are meant to keep dirt and dust out of the eyeballs so naturally they must be very dirty. The problem is, it’s difficult to wash just your eyelashes without getting soap into your eyeballs. It takes a lot of skill, but if you manage to figure out how to wash your eyelashes you’ll have much healthier sight.

This is what happens when you don't wash your eyelashes.

5. Inside nostrils

Most people blow their nose, some even pick it with their finger, but who takes the time to actually wash out their nose with soap? The reasons people don’t wash their nostrils? It’s difficult to do and is probably harmful because you’re irritating the mucous membranes. Still, it’s probably a good idea to wash them out once a year just to fully clean house. Maybe around New Years to get a fresh start.

The nostrils are a cave of festering sickness.

Ask McFartnuggets: “My Son Wants to Be Batman, Should I Be Worried?”

If your son looks like this,
yes you should be worried.

Dear McFartnuggets: 

My 5-year-old son told me he wants to be Batman when he grows up. I didn’t think anything of it at first, I thought it was actually kinda funny. Then I remembered that Batman became Batman because his parents were brutally murdered in front of his eyes. Now I’m a little worried. Is this just my son’s way of saying he wants me and my husband dead? Should we take him to therapy? -- Brianna from Green Bay, Wisconsin

Dear Brianna:

If your son is fully aware of the Batman origin story then I might be concerned. However since he’s only five there’s a decent chance he’s not fully capable of understanding the concept of murder. Bruce Wayne was around 8 years old when he saw his parents get killed so that’s still a good three years difference. Unless he becomes really obsessed with the idea of walking down dark alleyways with you or living in a cave full of bats then I think it’ll be okay. Most kids unknowingly say they want to be Batman without realizing Batman is who he is because his parents were murdered. You can’t fault the kid for that. He’ll figure it out eventually unless you want to take a chance and explain that to him at a really young age. It’s your kid I can’t tell you how to raise the thing.

Ask your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

The Top 5 Most Difficult Times to Laugh

Everyone loves a good laugh, but there are certain times when laughing is almost damn near impossible. Sometimes it’s just physically difficult to make a laugh come out and you want to avoid those moments as much as you can. Here are the top five most difficult times to laugh:

5. During a prostate exam

You might let out a nervous chuckle when an educated man has his finger up your ass, but that’s about all you can muster. Letting out a full force bellow of laughter and incessantly giggling is just way too awkward and difficult to do.

A hand up your ass is called "The shocker" not "The giggler."

4. Being told by your wife that she wants a divorce.

If you really love your wife and she seemingly out of the blue demands you get a divorce that can be a difficult time to break out in laughter. Then again if you hate your wife it would be easy to laugh, but if that’s the case why haven’t YOU asked for a divorce yet?

Yeah enjoy your "divorce party," you heartless bitch.

3. During a home flood.

When you see flood waters proceeding into your home through the space under the front door it’s really hard to take a joke. To top it all off the power is probably not working so you can’t watch your Martin Lawrence DVDs anyway.

Nothing funny about seeing a barracuda swimming through your living room.

2. When you have your jaw wired shut.

If you’ve ever told a joke to someone who has their mouth wired shut you know it’s impossible for them to laugh. It’s probably even painful for them to laugh so if you’re ever going to flash your genitals to someone, have it be a person with their jaw wired shut so they can’t possibly laugh at you for once.

If you ever do manage to fully laugh with your jaw wired shut you'll just rip your teeth out of the gums.

And the number one most difficult time to laugh is...

1. When you’re on fire.

When was the last time you saw someone whose body was entirely on fire laughing? Even if you’re a stuntman in a special fire suit, it’s gotta be difficult to find humor in things when you’re engulfed in flames.

"Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why is it Wrong to Say the R-Word?”

Why do we feel the need to
label people based on their
intellect?

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I’ve been told I can’t say the “R-word” at work and I don’t really understand why. I mean if you’re truly mentally disabled then there’s a good chance you don’t know what a lot of words mean. I’ve never had an actual mentally disabled person tell me to not say the “R-word” it’s always people without brain issues. Why are these people getting offended on behalf of others? If I call you the “R-word” and you get offended then you’re probably not even a real “R-word” so why is it a big deal? -- Stephanie from Cleveland

Dear Stephanie:

I’m pretty sure most mentally handicapped people know what the “R-word” means. Just because they’re not as smart as you doesn’t mean they don’t still feel sad when people call them bad names. That’s what the “R-word” is. It’s a bad name. The degree of how bad it is may be up for debate however no one can argue it is bad and you shouldn’t call people bad names if you can help it. Maybe if someone deserves it you can, but what did the mentally handicapped ever do? If a mentally challenged person ever murders your entire family then I think it would be okay to call them the “R-word” once. Aside from that there’s no good reason to use that term. As far as why other people get offended, that’s just a natural human thing. You could ask why straight people help fight for gay rights or why men supported women’s right to vote. It doesn’t really make sense, but when people see bad things they tend to speak up regardless of whether it’s happening to them or someone else. It doesn’t really matter if it’s gay rights, someone being called a nasty word, or someone being assaulted. When bad things happen to other people you should try to get it to stop.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and I’ll do my best to provide a speedy answer.

The Top 5 Worst Things To Do in Another Person’s Bathroom

No one ever says
"Mi bano es tu bano."

When you’re using someone else’s bathroom there area few guidelines you have to follow. You can’t just treat it like your own bathroom. Even if they say “My house is your house” that’s a lie. There are certain things you just can’t do in another person’s bathroom and here are the top 5:

5. Shower

Showering in another person’s bathroom is just weird especially when you realize those little towels they have hanging aren’t meant to be used as “ass rags.”

Don't take your caulk out in someone else's shower.

4. Trim your pubes

I don’t care if you’re taking a leak and realize your pubic garden could use some hedging. No one wants pube clippings on their bathroom floor. You better make sure you clean all of those up, but I have to warn you, it’s difficult to get all of them!

It's better to trim at home with the proper equipment.

3. Go through the medicine cabinet.

Probably the most classic example of what not to do in someone’s bathroom. Everyone wants to do it, that’s why you can’t. You never know when someone’s filled their cabinet with glass figurines that are rigged up to fall straight out when someone opens it so you get caught.

Don't act all surprised when you find a collection of children's teeth. You opened it for a reason.

2. Wash your ass in the sink.

If you need to wash your ass, don’t. But if you REALLY need to wash your ass, then break rule 5 on this list and just take a shower. Washing your ass in the sink is crossing a serious line there. People wash their face and brush their teeth in that thing.

If someone has a sink close to the ground that's what we call a "bidet." Don't wash your face in it.

And the number one thing you should never do in someone else’s bathroom is...

1. Clog the toilet

Clogging the toilet is the absolute worst thing you can do in any bathroom, especially someone else’s. If you’re taking an absurdly large dump in another person’s toilet, make sure you’re taking flushing breaks. Hold the second wave and take the time to do a safety flush and keep that poo flowing through the pipes. Don’t risk saving it all for one big flush at the end because that’s when people get hurt.

Always do an empty test flush first. It might waste water, but it really can't hurt. Then if it seems like it could clog, don't use toilet paper. Break rule 2, forgo the toilet paper and wash your ass in their sink.