Throwing knives at children for fun?

It's fun to look back every now and then at the past and remember people's idea of safe, wholesome fun. Nowadays this bitch would be locked in a cage to paint elaborate mosaics with her feces, but back then she was A-okay!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How young is too young to sail across the world?

This has been the big question continuously asked in homes all across the globe. Should a thirteen-year-old girl be allowed to sail across the world by herself in order to attain a ridiculously unimportant record? Feel free to state your own opinions on this matter. This is a place of free expression and learning, damnit! Why else would there be a picture of a seal?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Pulling out a gun at a snowball fight?

A big story in the news lately is the cop who pulled out a gun during a snowball fight. The details aren't important, what is important is that people are outraged about this. People have this idea that a snowball fight is something wholesome and that introducing a gun to one is like bringing a rocket launcher to a daycare center. Let's dissect a snowball fight for a moment. It's essentially throwing rocky ice spheres at others as hard as you can. When you're a kid, it's all fun and games, but once you reach an age where your peers can throw at speeds up to around 80 miles an hour and they pack the snowballs tight in order to cause as much pain as possible, it ceases to be a game and becomes an actual fight.

And what happens when a cop draws a gun at a normal run-of-the-mill fistfight? Is that a big deal? That's probably happening eighteen hundred times right this very second all across the world. No one gives a shit about that, but introduce the element of snow and all of a sudden the BBC has to get involved.

Where do you draw the line? Bringing a gun to a snowball fight might seem like overkill to some, but maybe that's just someone who really wants to win. What if someone had brought a snowball cannon that launches chunks of jagged ice at the speed of bullets? Would that be in the news? Probably, since many people would be injured and dead, but no one considers that. How would anyone react? What if someone has a bionic superstrong arm that's made of futuristic artificial tendons and allows them to hurl snowballs ten times faster than Randy Johnson? Should that person then be excluded from any and all snowball fights? Should they be arrested if one were to arise and they got involved? In that case, yes. Why? Because snowball fights aren't a joke! Case closed. So bring all you can to your next snowball fight, chains, bats, guns, knives, bazookas, don't be limited by the notion that it's "fun & games". Never be afraid to win!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

CSI: The 60's?!

This was Folgers' first crack at introducing a crime solving element to their strange commercials. Little did they know they would spawn a whole new wave of television entertainment and change the way we all look at possible crimes we think about attempting. Don't leave any pubes behind!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Serial killer Folgers commercial?

This was one of their more controversial ads in the 60's because it depicted an overtly abusive husband who was so passively vicious that many wondered if indeed he was some sort of chain killer which were becoming popular at the time.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Teacher who poisoned student gets sent free?

Everyone's in an outrage about this story one way or another. Either you really support the teacher because you hate Autistic children, or you think she's one of the most evil people to ever go unpunished for an atrocious instance of child abuse. Where do you stand?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Wild Turkey Tollbooth Terrorist?

All anyone could think about when this story broke was, "Ohhhh loogadda tooukie!" Meanwhile others like me were pondering much more philosophical ideas. Why bend over backwards to save a wild turkey while you willingly slaughter millions just like it without batting an eyelash? Bureaucracy? Anyways, grow up, kid. It's a damn turkey! The same kind your mama and dada carve up with a mechanical knife! Gobble gobble gobble!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Mugger Gets 75 Years in Prison?

A large Black man who punched a 101-year-old White woman and fractured her jaw to steal ten bucks in 2007 is now going to jail for 75 years. This definitely leads to questions about how we view justice in America.

Of course this guy deserves his time, but how about others? It seems like every week you find out about someone who committed a DUI manslaughter and got away with 2 years probation. There are people who viciously kill and get away with less than 25 years on a regular basis. The Phillip Garrido character who kidnapped and raped a woman got out of jail after only ten years. Does that mean this mugger will get out in five or fewer?

Are the elderly more valuable than the younger people of America? America is one of the only countries that shows almost no respect for the aged. What if the man had mugged a younger person? Would he still be getting 75 years? If he had broken the jaw of a 20-year-old, what kind of sentence would that lead to? A couple years at the most? How about a 40-year-old? Is it less a matter of age than the physical condition of the victim? Would he have gotten 75 years for punching a guy with cerebral palsy?

If you get 25 years or less for raping a 30-year-old, would you get 400 years for raping a 100-year-old? Okay you're right, let's never think about that again... But there's absolutely no consistency here and you need consistency for the justice system to put fear in prospective criminals. You can't have it all up in the air in a game of chance because most criminals are gamblers, that's why they commit crimes to begin with. There's the chance they might get away with it, then even if they get caught, there's the chance they won't be adequately punished due to a judicial fuck up.

Then again the whole reason for this 75 year sentence is the sheer outrage and disgust regarding the crime. If that's the case, why does a guy who has sex with a horse only get three years? Surely that's mildly more disgusting than mugging an old lady, which would you rather watch? I guess it's up to personal opinion. Of course this guy would have committed more crimes had he been let off easy, but who's to say any criminal wouldn't? Why not lock them all up for life if they're repeat offenders? Also, this was one case where they actually had cold hard evidence and could really get behind putting a guy in jail for as long as they wanted without a hint of doubt about his guilt, which is not a feeling often felt in American courts.

How are YOU dealing with the Eggo shortage?

It's all hitting us in different ways, even if you don't eat Eggos. Odds are you know someone who enjoys an Eggo every now and then and you've probably seen a marked change in their attitude. Perhaps you've seen them sweating early in the morning, trembling, at a loss for words, and bleeding from the ears. Those are all normal effects caused by Eggo withdrawal. We need to remember that in an economic depression, some of the things we love will be ripped away from us. We can't take things for granted, forget civil liberties, what about the frozen food section?!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Deadly buttock surgery?!

Former Miss Argentina, Solange Magnano was 38 when she died from buttock surgery complications on Sunday. The liquid from the ass injections ran into her lungs and brain. So the moral of the story is, your ass is fine the way it is. Don't push your luck.

Magnano was apparently trying to lift her buttocks with this gluteoplasty. I assume that because what South American woman would need help getting larger butt cheeks? What woman anywhere would? Anywho, don't take the easy route out. If you want lifted asscheeks, do what I do and perform 50 squat thrusts every day. You can even do this when you're out and about. I do most of mine in line at the bank. Sure you will get some looks, but fuck those people! We'll see who's laughing when I won't be needing surgical buttock procedures!

I'll leave you with a quote from my Grandpappy McFartnuggets:
"No ass is worth dying for."

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How does the world's oldest dog stay so healthy?

It's a shocking surprise sure to send your sourpuss into super sadness. For all of those hoping to use Otto's method for themselves, fear not! It's still possible, how else do you think World War II got started?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

"Comatose" man was conscious for 23 years?

I'm sure you've all heard the story about the Belgian guy who doctors believed was in a coma when he really wasn't. Decades ago, Rom Houben was diagnosed with a coma by a doctor who did not have adequate technology. Flash forward 23 years later in 2006, he got a new scan that detected brain function. Now he's rolling around, blinking his eyes, and communicating with a keyboard.

In case you were wondering how he all of a sudden started moving, his family began working with him only after the scan showed he was capable of it. So really the scan wasn't entirely necessary. I don't blame them for not wholeheartedly trying with him earlier, but the family did say they thought he was aware and that's why they didn't let him die. So they had enough hope to keep him suffering for 23 years, but not enough to work with him without truly knowing he was capable of recovery. I'm sure he appreciated that a lot.

This is an important lesson to those families of people who are in comas. If you do believe they are really aware of what's going on, please engage them. Ask them to indicate yes or no by moving their foot to push a computer device like they did with this Belgian guy. Soon enough they'll be spelling words on a touchscreen and blaming you for not trying to hear them earlier. It's bad enough to be mute and paralyzed while still being aware, but on top of that, to have your family half-believe you're alive just enough to keep your anguish from ending, but not enough to actually engage your senses and try to unlock you from your mental prison... Well, that's just the icing on the shitcake! Happy birthday, Rom Houben, 23-year-long Coma Man! Sure he wasn't actually in a coma, but it's like the Balloon Boy, just go with it.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

The best movie ending of all-time?

You have to hand it to the director. He (I doubt it was a woman in 1940's, but I could be wrong!) really knew how to conclude a picture in such a way that the ending haunts the viewer for the rest of their life.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What is the best way to avoid Thanksgiving?

If you have a big family where your mother and father's, and second father's, and mysterious twin brother's sides don't get along at all, Thanksgiving can be a big pain in the craphole. Either you go to all of their dinners and leave each early, or you choose only one, OR you do what I do and find an awesome excuse to not show up to any of them. Over the years I've come up with my fair share of tricks, but nothing can compare to this year!

Who would have thought the best way to avoid awkward extended family dinners would be to simply utter two letters and the number one, twice? Usually I have to make up an elaborate excuse about my driving leg and transmission being broken or vicious crack addled munchkins, but they always check up on that. Now with H1N1, they would love nothing more than for me to never arrive! Normally if I want that effect I have to show up one year drunk, smelling like crap with a spiked bo staff. But this way everyone wins!

I won't lie, there's a bit of guilt when I weasel out of a holiday, but The H1N1 is such a tremendous excuse! I'll be surprised if they don't send me thank you cards with mentholated Halls taped inside. All you need to do is make some quick phone calls and be sure to cough A LOT! You've got to let them know you're not only contagious, but a veritable lawn sprinkler of deadly bacteria. I've thought it through, it's the right thing to do. Plus, when you throw in the idea that someone who actually does have H1N1 might show up at one of the dinners, there's really no reason NOT to stay home and cry.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why didn't this film win an Oscar in 1948?

This is part one of the movie that changed the way America and parts of Albania looked at vocabulary and the power that words hold in our society. The acting is superb, the plot is sharper than a scalpel, and the message still holds true today!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Would you eat meat created in a laboratory?

Recently, scientists have found a way to develop artificial rabbit penises... And while rabbits are thrilled about that, it's only a matter of time before scientists are able to create all sorts of organs and tissues for other animals, including humans, but also chickens and cows.

That means there may come a time when we can eat clean, fresh, lab meat (that is, meat created in a lab) instead of having to raise animals to be slaughtered. The benefits are: less human-caused animal suffering, fewer instances of food diseases like Mad Cow, more space available which is currently used for livestock, and fewer emissions/waste due to livestock.

But let's not all jump aboard the lab meat bandwagon quite yet. Let's think about all the people who make a living raising and killing animals. Sure it's not the greatest profession in the world, but it's a job for a lot of people out there. Would they have to be trained how to synthesize laboratory meats? Or would they just be kicked to the curb? Think about the toll that would take on the American economy. You'd have to choose between getting your meat from government scientists or a weird bearded guy who claims he "made" some in his basement.

What do vegetarians and vegans think of this? Okay never mind, but what about people who eat meat? Would someone who loves meat make the switch to digital? Is it still wrong to eat meat made by scientists? Is it even more wrong than killing a living animal? You'll all have to decide when the time comes and someone puts science meat in your face, and not like that time the Biology teacher came to class wasted. We agreed never to talk about that, remember?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is The 2012 finally here?

I never used to believe in The 2012 (which is much easier than saying "The 2012 Mayan Apocalypse Prediction), but lately it seems like the world is really crumbling all around us and the apocalypse might come a little earlier than usual.

When I learned about the Eggo waffle shortage that would soon cripple the nation, I was shocked. Do they really expect me to buy any other brand of frozen waffle like this is the Dark Ages?

I thought that was awful enough, but now I learn that H1N1 has claimed its first feline victim! So now the H1N1 is attacking cats! After hearing that, I curled up into a ball to start shivering and reciting nursery rhymes, but THEN... They tell me that Oprah is ending her show.

What in the FUCK is going on here?! Is this really the end? These would seem like unfortunate coincidences, but we all know Oprah is less of a person and more of a natural force. These are messages being sent to us by the Earth and they're screaming "WATCH OUT!" What could go wrong next? Am I going to find out that they're discontinuing Tootsie Rolls or that Barbara Walters is leaving "The View"?! Because if I do, that's it, I'm building a bunker 40 feet into the ground and hoping to god that's deep enough.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

The real story behind the "Dramatic Chipmunk"?

Any dumbass knows it was a prairie dog and not a chipmunk, but what people don't know is the back story behind the famous clip. There's been a lot of misleading information saying that it came from a creepy Japanese game show (there's a redundant statement) ((there's another)), but the truth is far more disturbing than that.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

A bloody kilo of metal found in man's stomach?!

Story from the AP:

Physicians in Peru admit they have removed one and a half pounds of nails, coins, keychains, rings, thumbtacks, paperclips, copper wire, and scrap metal from a man's stomach.

Local surgeon Carlos Delgado was shocked. "We went in thinking it could be appendicitis, but weren't we surprised by what we found, a hole in his stomach? Weren't you? Yes we weren't, by a lot!, but you too?" Delgado said through an interpreter who appeared intoxicated.

Requelme Abanto, a 26-year-old construction worker has amassed quite a following of people who will come to watch him swallow metal, amongst other things.

"They call me the hardware store, because I'm fucking nuts, and people bolt whenever they see me wrenching metal with my hammer-like teeth because they know the drill, I wood screw them," Requelme Abanto said from his hospital bed in northern Peru before convulsing and slipping into a coma.

"I swallowed 17 nails in February and didn't die!" he said when he came to. "You hear that ladies? Five-inch nails! All in one day! It takes the average psycho at least three weeks to do the same and I did it before the sun set!"

*Note: This story is true, but some of the quotes were changed to protect the innocent.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why people be trippin' over BPA?

Yeah you heard me, mad peeps be trippin' about BPA otherwise known on the streets as Bisphenol-A or Bizass. Apparently it makes Chinese men impotent. Oh no! Could this mean the end of overpopulation in Asia? I'm sure they'll find a cure soon enough. Oh wait, we already have several dozen. So now if you're a wealthy Chinese plastic factory worker you can go to work, see a female co-worker, get a boner, be affected by the BPA, lose the wood, take some Cialis, get it back, then enjoy some Cocaine and ultimately lose it. With that many chemicals in your body, you might either lose the erection, your sanity, or both. Watch out wealthy Chinese plastic factory worker who thinks its 1980's Miami, watch out.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

NASA found buckets of moon water?!

It turns out the LCROSS mission was a success because they found "a dozen buckets of water" on the Moon while they were only expecting to find a few teaspoons. To a lot of people that's great news, but let's think about the other part of that...

They spent 79 million dollars to look for a teaspoon of water! Do you think? I doubt that. I think they expected something more like a river, but set the bar extremely low and didn't mention any expectations. I don't remember them saying anything about how much water they were looking for. It was bad enough PR for them to be crashing something into the Moon to look for water without them adding that they were expecting a teaspoon.

These NASA people are smart! They externally set the bar low, all the time believing there was a hidden Moon lake. And when they found buckets, it was disappointing, but they pulled the teaspoon excuse out of their ass and now look spotless. I'm onto you NASA, you ain't fooling me!

Of course the alternative to that theory is that they really did expect to find only a couple of teaspoons of moon water. If so, that is fucking insane. Yeah, let's just go up to the Moon in a couple decades, check it out, set up a base camp, drill up some teaspoons of awesome tasting moon water. No, please Buzz, put the Evian bottle away, we have all the water we need, RIGHT HERE!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is it possible to have too much of a sense of humor? Just ask this lady!

This is from an article on Sphere.com:

Allison Henry isn't the first to suffer from a horrifying medical condition that few women talk about. But her case was particularly bad, and she's just one of the few brave souls willing to come forward so that others will have the courage to seek help. To put it bluntly, as Henry does: "My vagina fell out of my body."

It began five years ago, when Henry was in her 10th week of pregnancy with Kirian, her second child. She had vowed that she wouldn't gain 60 pounds this time around, and she was practicing prenatal yoga in her home when she felt a sudden pain.

At first I thought the article would get into bashing dangerous yoga positions, but that would have been burying the lede.

"It felt like someone rammed a pitchfork up my butt, so I stopped," she writes. "It was an intense, sharp pain, but it passed."

"One night, I took a look down there, and it was like my insides were on the outside and they were coming out," she writes. "I knew I couldn't put this off any longer. I went to my doctor and said, 'My vagina is falling out of my body!'

"I was referred to a pelvic floor specialist. She took a look and said, 'Holy crap -- your vagina is falling out of your body, and it's dragging your bladder and your rectum along with it!'"

See, it seems like a joke because what certified "pelvic floor specialist" would ever be that explicit and so unprofessional sounding? Perhaps Mrs. Henry was exaggerating for comedic effect and making a mountain out of a pile of her bladder and rectum, but this apparently isn't a joke.

Vaginal prolapse is a very real problem that up to 30% of all women will experience during their lives, according to these freaks. There were a lot of other details involving blood and maxi pads that I would rather not talk about, it's not really my cup of tea. I don't have a vagina, nor did I ever have one that fell out, so this is all alien to me. If this had happened to me, the last thing on my mind would be to laugh about it, but I guess that just shows what incredibly courageous creatures women are, or at the very least, how psychotic this particular one is.

"Among my friends, I was always the stable Mable," she says. "'I eventually started taking anti-depressants to cope with the chronic stress and I became so emotionally depleted."

That's the line that made me think it was all a really disgusting joke. How ironic is it for someone nicknamed "Stable Mabel" to have their genitals in such a state of flux?

Is this really a joke though? Is Sphere.com like The Onion or something? Because if it is, they do a hell of a job! I will say though, even that ho on Larry King Live thinks the joke is inappropriate.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Who are the real victims of global warming?

Everyone wants to talk about how we have to stop global warming and climate change for polar bears and for ourselves especially, but there are a lot of big victims out there you aren't thinking about. Everyone's too caught up in deciding whether or not global warming is a problem made by man or by nature, but the bottom line is that the effects are tangible. We know it exists, the question of "Who started it?" is irrelevant. We should actually hope we started it, at least that would mean there's a way to try and reverse what happened. If not, then we're really screwed!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

New written driving exam world record holder?

If I told you that a 68-year-old just got closer to their driver's license by finally passing the written exam after 949 previous tries, would you guess I was talking about a Korean woman? Well, shame on you! Because you are, exactly right... But stereotypes aside, this is sad. Cha Sa-soon scored the minimum 60 points out of 100 to pass the dreaded exam recently. This does seem a little curious though. Did she do this all on purpose to get the international attention? Surely this is one of the least violent ways to get yourself on the news, but why not go for passing on the 1,000th try? Did she finally get fed up with the four year long charade and decide to hit it on the next multiple of ten?

The battle isn't over yet though, she must still complete the driving portion of the exam which is already predicted to take several dozen lives and over 10,000 attempts. The point here is, she's either an invalid who takes damn near a thousand tries to pass a simple written exam, or she's an unbalanced attention whore who pushed a stupid prank to its farthest human limit. Either way, this woman should not be allowed anywhere near an automotive vehicle.

Oh wait, it says police said she took the exam "hundreds of times" and the local media came up with the 950 number... Well that makes a lot more sense. I'm now assuming she took it twelve times and it just seemed like hundreds and the local media in Jeonju is laughing their asses off. I would blame me for this story except that I didn't report it, the Associated Press did. Why would they mention this? It's a crappy story with no real worth or factual backing and serves only to reinforce the stereotype that when it comes to the elderly, women, and Asians especially, putting them behind the wheel is like lighting a powder keg. Don't fuel the stereotypes with this one clearly troubled woman, it's just not worth the laughs.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What would a starving African say to Americans?

You've always wanted to know, well, at least those of you with hearts! I was fortunate enough to be there at the time with my trusty tape recorder. The results were rather enlightening.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Was Wilford Brimley's double "Too Fat To Kill"?

This guy from Florida who was convicted of killed his son-in-law in New Jersey claimed he was "too fat to kill". Meaning, he was too fat to have killed anyone, but that was clearly a load of Crisco. This guy murdered, then realized he didn't have enough energy to come up with a decent excuse. He claimed that he was too fat and lazy to have climbed the stairs to perch and wait to shoot his son-in-law. Since when can't obese people perch? Obese people perch! Perching involves thigh strength, not self-restraint at a buffet.

I don't appreciate this idea that someone 5'8 285 lbs is incapable of committing a murder. I think that's an insult. First of all, that's not even that obese! If this guy wanted a real excuse he could have packed on the pounds and gotten damn near half a ton and been unable to make it to court. Then the jury would have believed him, but then of course he wouldn't have been able to kill the son-in-law, so there's the catch... Plus, people would have been curious as to why he was purposely trying to gain weight and maybe in a lack of judgment caused by deep dish pizza he'd loudly mumble "Because I want to kill you all!" And everyone would be very suspicious of him from that point on.

Obese people should not be limited by jerks like this who use their weight as a murder defense. The only time fat should be used as a murder defense is when someone is stabbing you and your blubber keeps the knife from hitting vital organs. It's a good thing this guy didn't get off free and set a precedent because punks would've started to treat the obese even worse, knowing there'd be no way a large person could get away with a vengeance killing. They would dangle that fact over the person's head like a Twinkie on a rope, enraging them to the point of a possible cardiac emergency. At that point, the big person would probably just go ahead with the murder in a fit of uncontrolled rage and no one wants to see that.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is the Hubble Space Telescope worth it?

"Ever since I was a young girl I would peer into the cosmos and wonder if there were eyes looking back at me. Now I finally know there's a reasonable chance that's possible." - Amelia Earhart

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Does blue light stop people from committing suicide?

That's what the Keihin Electric Express Railway Company in Tokyo hopes. Last year in Japan, almost 2,000 people killed themselves by jumping onto train tracks. Why are train suicides so popular there? Well, when was the last time you saw a Japanese person buying a hunting rifle with an orange hat on? Most people go with what's available and when you have constant access to fast ass trains, that's a pretty safe bet. But will the blue lights work?

Their experts say that blue has a calming effect on the mind, which may be true, but is that enough to keep a severely depressed person from ending it? Blue is the color of depression, isn't it? Wouldn't that make them even sadder? Of course they say they're trying to save lives, but what they really want is fewer corpses clogging up the railway system.

Even if the lights work and keep someone suicidal from jumping onto the tracks, that person will just take the train home and hang themselves in their closet anyway. You're not really saving anyone, you're just saving your own train schedule. Of course you could say the same for anti-suicide fence walls, which would be a more proven method of stopping suicides, but at least walls show you really care.

Even better would be a Zoloft dispenser robot near the tracks that senses when someone is going to jump and jams pills down their throat. Maybe that technology is a little ways down the road for now, (even for Japan) but the walls are here now! And perhaps if suicidal people were met with amazing deterrents like giant Plexiglas walls all the time, they'd realize that killing themselves is futile and they have no choice but to enjoy an immortal life where they will never die.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How can we save California from annihilation?

People thought I was crazy when I first proposed this idea, but when it finally worked they brought me fresh, shocking adulation by the bucketful! In case you were wondering, yes I have warped back in time to make the plan work earlier since it ended up being too late. We thought we were out of the woods, but then the machines came. So now I'm back in late 2009 and I really need to get this done before 2023 or else I'll have to warp back in time again and that's gonna be a big pain in the ass.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Study finds men lose hearing more than women?

A study of more than 5,000 people in the United States aged 20 to 69 found that males were three times as likely to have noise-related hearing loss as women. The shocking research was recently presented at the annual meeting of the American Academy of Otolaryngology, Head and Neck Surgery in San Diego, California.

"Occupational and recreational noise exposure, as well as service in the armed forces, were likely explanations for why men are at greater risk," said the report. My question is, why is gender mentioned at all? This study only proved that being around loud shit makes you lose your hearing and I already knew that.

Dr. Douglas Mattox, professor of otolaryngology at Emory University School of Medicine, who was not involved in the study, agreed. "People who regularly use leaf-blowers, lawnmowers and other noisy machinery are at increased risk of noise-induced hearing loss," he said. Activities such as hunting and motorcycle-riding, which men typically do more than women, also create high levels of noise that may impair hearing. If you are concerned about losing your hearing while performing a noisy activity, stop or wear earplugs, experts say. Wow! Stop the presses, if there are any left these days.

Are women really not doing enough noisy things? Aren't hair dryers and shouting arguments pretty loud? Only kidding ladies, but seriously, let's get on the losing your hearing bandwagon here. Of course we talk about women's equality in the workplace a lot, but the bottom line is men generally don't live as long as women and go deaf earlier, what more could women want?

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What the hell is NASA's problem?

I recorded my Uncle Timothy's drunken rant about NASA the last time he was over to pick pumpkins. Let's just say he had a little too much squash and we had to sedate him before he started punching everyone and screaming ethnic slurs about the Scandinavians.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What's the deal with Huggies "Little Mover" diapers?

Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to make a new kind of Huggies with a more contoured shape that features less bulk in the front with more space in the back for added comfort and mobility. I've been a Huggies user for years and I don't like change, but aside from my own personal problems, this just doesn't make sense.

Who the hell wants babies to be more mobile? Isn't that a bad thing? The whole point of a diaper is to constrict a baby and act like an underwear anchor to keep them from getting into more danger. Have you ever seen a naked baby on the street? No, because they're all dead. Babies with good mobility end up with an esophagus full of fiberglass insulation or get hit by cars. If we slow the babies down, they can be caught up to just in the nick of time before they drink out of a Drano bottle while you weren't paying attention.

Fast babies simply don't make sense, that's why they're not naturally fast. Evolution wouldn't want quick babies, so instead they're slow and kind of retarded. Anyone who has to wear a bag on their ass to capture feces should not be moving any faster than 2 miles an hour. That's the way I've always felt and that's the way I'll continue to feel, at least until I try these new diapers out and find out they're actually more comfortable than I was first led to believe.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

A Columbine killer parent finally speaks?

This is from a news story dated October 10th 2009:

"DENVER - In the first detailed public remarks by any parent of the two Columbine killers, Dylan Klebold's mother says she had no idea her son was suicidal until she read his journals after the 1999 high school massacre."

The key word here is suicidal. The kid didn't just kill himself, lady! Is that really the foremost thing on her mind? If he had only committed suicide, it wouldn't have been nearly as big of a deal; in fact we probably wouldn't have heard about it at all. What if he wasn't showing suicidal signs, but instead was running around the house screaming about killing people all the time? Well according to the mother, that could have been the case, but she didn't pay any mind to it because he never mentioned hurting himself.

I don't want to re-open this and get all on the parents' cases, but apparently no one wants this story to end. You have to blame the parents, especially in a suburban area. This isn't the inner city where kids are running with gangs that you can't possibly compete with, it's Colorado, the nation's least obese state. If your kid is running out into the woods to fire automatic weapons for target practice, you should be aware of that since you're the ones who made him. If you decide to make a kid you're responsible for them, unless they go insane of course, then all ties are severed.

Judging just by those sentences the mother said you can get an idea of what exactly went wrong. After all these years, the most important thing to her is that her son committed suicide. Meaning, if he had massacred all those kids and stayed alive to be in jail, she'd be visiting him constantly and checking up on him. Sure sociopaths are born for the most part, but giving them free reign as a rich muffin biscuit doesn't help things either.

Maybe Colorado is to blame! Affluent, bored, not obese, so naturally athletics would be a great activity for these kids, but then again everyone's White. So really, it's an academic path or a nervous breakdown massacre path. If the Columbine killers were obese they would've been sitting around eating Devil Dogs and wouldn't have had the energy to construct a plan for a massacre. When was the last time you saw a morbidly obese murderer? Those people have better things to do. So yes, I blame Colorado for not being more like Texas or anywhere else in America that frequently enjoys deep fried Snickers bars.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Has the Balloon Falcon story gone too far?

They would have gotten away with it if they actually put the kid in the balloon, but shame on them for not having the will to succeed. And I'm getting tired of people reusing that joke about how he shouldn't be called "Balloon Boy" since he was never in the balloon and should be called "Attic Boy" instead. I first heard it on SNL, but Seth Meyers may have stolen it from someone else, who knows? I'll attribute him with it even though it's not that good of a joke. Do they really expect the news to call him "Attic Boy"? People should know better than to expect anything from the news these days, much less logic.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why did Warner Bros. reject my "The Dark Knight" theatrical trailer?!

Awhile back I made this trailer as a preview for the smash hit film "The Dark Knight" and submitted it to Warner Bros. Surprisingly, they didn't contact me, though I assume they used it in some form to help promote the film. What I'm really pissed off about is that I made this in 2002. So they basically stole my idea for the movie and I'm rightfully entitled to at least half of the money The Joker burned plus dead Asian guy ash.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Could this be the end for the future robots?

So, I think this looks like the last we'll be hearing of that future robot guy. It's a shame too, I was just getting to like the silly son of a confused scientist.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What happens when Optimus Prime goes to Burger King?

This is a 2nd grade rendition of the famous Burger King commercial that promoted the movie "Transformers 3: Revenge of the Fallen Rising Cobra". As you can see Optimus is more like us than we may have guessed.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Have you heard about Exercise bulimia?

Until recently, this disorder was known as "exercising too much", but there's more behind it. Exercise bulimia is where a person eats and then feels the compelling urge to exercise vigorously to burn off all the calories they just ingested. That determination can lead to dangerous health and social problems in the person's life. And I say "person's" because this subset of bulimia probably includes more men into the bulimia family.

I think we get too hung up on the motives for harmful activities. We build these definitions of disorders and then try to tackle deep rooted mental problems. Instead, why don't we just focus on the basics? Exercising too much is bad. Doing anything too much is bad. That's why it's called "too much". Because at one point it was enough, but then more came along and ruined everything.

With old bulimia, the problem is barfing up your food. Not a good idea, unless you've just eaten poison. Thing is, most would agree, throwing up your food to avoid getting fat is more severe than exercising to not get fat. So the purging bulimia is an issue, but exercising? Just set your limits. You can't really set limits on how much of your food you want to vomit up after dinner (even a little would be bad), but you can set limits on exercise. It's also easier to get people to stop exercising than vomiting, from my experience. Just take away their gym membership. Then they'll be forced to run around like a loon to burn calories and hopefully then, they'll realize the error in their ways. I don't mean to be belittle the exercise bulimia here, I'm just trying to help!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why does this robot keep asking me for help?!

I still don't know who this freak is, but all these VHS tapes are getting really annoying! They're bulky, the quality is shit, and sometimes they get jammed in my machine and I have to use ice tongs to rip 'em out while hoping to preserve the tender dark film tissue innards. In addition to all that, they're a real pain in the ass to convert. You'd think for such a futuristic being he'd know how to use Blu Ray, then I could just ignore his messages altogether since I don't have a Blu Ray player.

In case you don't know what I'm talking about check out the second and first videos.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Should kids be allowed to have sporks in school?

You probably heard about this first grader who brought a metal fork/spoon/folding knife into class and was sentenced to 45 days in an alternative school. Well the suspension was lifted after the nationwide outrage came pouring in, but I'm going to argue against the kid, just for fun.

These days, it doesn't matter how old you are, you are capable of harming someone else. Everyone was focusing on the age of this child, but how quickly we forget that there have been instances of child shooters as young as six. Yeah read up on that, booyah! I really don't need to keep going, but I will...

People think just because it was a Cub Scout tool, it's wholesome and non-threatening. The Cub Scouts are the real deal, they don't mess around. This thing wasn't plastic. And while a metal folding knife is not a pistol, it's still a pointy object. Does that mean we need to outlaw pencils and pens in schools? ... For six year olds, maybe. Lawd knows they're going to have their fair share of falling accidents. And nothing makes a fall worse than a pen in your front pocket pointed up near the thigh flesh. That's a boo boo that's going to cause some severe trauma and horrific leg hemorrhaging.

And even if the child who brought it to school doesn't have a motive to harm anyone, it can still be stolen from him by another child with bad intentions. If some other kid stole it from him, and used it to shank the teacher, who would be to blame there? Of course the shanker, but to a lesser and more fundamental degree, the shanker's parents, and lastly the child who brought the weapon to begin with.

And finally, what's 45 days in an "alternate" school anyway? This isn't "A Clockwork Orange" folks. I sincerely doubt this was going to be a very severe punishment. If anything it would have been a big warning to parents to watch what their kids are bringing to school. But now since the penalty was revoked, parents nationwide are now emboldened in the idea that if a kid is six, he can be given complete leeway when it comes to possession of potential stabbing weapons, and that is not the message to be sending. Maybe this was the right decision for this particular case, but it could be setting a very dangerous precedent.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Can you guess what's going to happen here?

Did you guess right? If you did, that's pretty good. You should consider becoming English (assuming you aren't already, which is incredibly possible given your psychic abilities) and getting a crime show on CBS or FOX. If you didn't, then don't bother getting upset about it because it was a tough one.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is a robot sending me messages from the future?

Here's the second tape I've found in my backyard. They seem suspicious. I don't know who would have the audacity to trick me like this, so I'm beginning to suspect this might be real.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why do we need to find water on The Moon?

NASA recently spent 79 million dollars (which is almost enough to hire a professional sports star for 5 years) to crash a satellite into our Moon. At the moment they say "it worked", but really, how could it have not? How incompetent do you have to be to not be able to crash something into the Moon with the proper equipment? That would have been embarrassing.

Now the question is, did they find water? But the real question is, why do they need water? Well, it would be very expensive to transport water to the Moon and they would feel awful dumb if they found out there was water there already. But let's delve into that some more. Who is going to be on the Moon and need large amounts of water? I sure as hell won't. Are they doing this as a first step to colonize the Moon? Or are they doing this just for future astronaut missions?

If it's just for astronauts, screw them, they can take along a thermos. But if it's for a grander operation, then maybe it's time for us to slow down a little. Even if they do find water, it'll be Moon water, yuck! Who wants a glass of that? Probably has moon creature herpes in it. And what if there's only some and not enough to be useful? We're taking the Moon for granted here, if it was pristine, would we be smashing things into it? No. But since it's all riddled with craters we figure we can keep smashing it. It's like treated a seasoned prostitute rough just for the sake of it, cut the ho some slack!

The end result of all this is meaningless, the real issue here is that they took a 79 million dollar gamble on some shit that we don't really need at the moment. And even if we ignore the current situation of the nation, there's another thing to ponder, how much water does 79 million dollars buy? Well right now around 79 million bottles. If water becomes super valuable in the future that might change, but how far ahead are we talking about here? I don't mind keeping an ear and eye out for alien radio transmissions and large objects coming at us, but this kind of stuff is ridiculous. At the very least you're going to piss off the Man on the Moon, and he's been relatively peaceful up until now.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Can married life make you hallucinate?

According to the Newport people, if a man gets bored enough with his life, he will begin to see strange apparitions that can sometimes create real objects. But beware, some of these creations can cause cancer. Then again, it's better than having them hand him crack.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is Michael Moore a hypocrite?

Sometimes I think Michael Moore goes too far to prove a point, like when he brought the wheelchaired kid from Columbine into Wal Mart to return the bullets in his body, but he usually has the right message. The problem now is how he's presenting the message. He's selling a film about how capitalism is bad. How hypocritical do you have to be before everyone stops paying attention to you? He could show the movie to everyone for free, but that would be insane from a business standpoint.

So here's a guy using the system to his benefit and at the same time attacking it for the sake of his public image and hoping that it will force some superhero into motion that can defeat a system where even the people against it are forced to buy in. Sure he has assigned some free screenings at homeless shelters, but what can homeless people do about changing the financial culture of America? They can vote, but do we really expect someone without a home to take even an hour to vote and perhaps make a 0.0000000001% difference in anything, when they could be using that time to pick up some change off the ground or get something in their stomach?

And the last bit of hypocrisy is a minor detail, but Michael Moore is clearly obese. An obese person condemning greed, gluttony, and the American way is the hypocritical cherry on top. The "Super Size Me" guy could have saved everyone a lot of time and just showed a picture of Michael Moore. But we're all a product of the system and in this system if you're being fed, you're happy and if you're not, you're angry. You can't be both and still be taken seriously. You can't be poor and rage against the machine. There are tanks and fighter jets now, this isn't 18th century France. You have to be rich to make a difference, but why the hell would anyone wealthy and comfortable self destruct to save poor people? If that ever happens, the subsequent shock might be enough to change things, but it won't happen so fugeddaboutit.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Should Young Children Have Cell Phones?

This was the subject of the latest episode of "The Simpsons" and the Associated Press posted a video about it too, so I figure it's a sizzling topic of debate right now. I think most kids should wait to have a cell phone until the age they're allowed to drive, ironically... But really, anything before that is key developmental time and they're already going to deal with arthritis from typing everyday instead of using the archaic art of hand printing. Not to mention their brains aren't fully developed and could be affected by radiation from the phone, but that's another story.

The problem is, kids whine and parents cave in, it only has to happen one time before every kid points to the other and the spread of uniformity begins. It seems that as soon as a child can speak coherently, they've got a phone in their hands. Babies love phones because they see their parents on the phone all the time, back in the day, babies loved cigarettes and "The Price is Right," which is more of a step to the side rather than forward, but what can you do?

The only way to stop kids from having phones is to keep them from speaking coherently. When considering that, maybe the American educational system isn't doing that bad of a job after all. Just think if all American kids were literate at age two and on cell phones, is that the kind of world you really want to live in? Maybe everything happens for a reason.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Schizophrenic Old Woman Making Potato Chips?

This is not something you get to see everyday. Whenever someone asks me if I want to watch a schizophrenic elderly woman making potato chips, I always say yes.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What can YOU do to stop Swine Flu?

First of all, don't do what this dumbass in the picture is doing. Look at that sneeze mist, every bead of moisture is teeming with potentially death bringing bacteria. We need to start looking at things clinically, sneezing in public these days is like spritzing a bottle of Anthrax in the air. If someone was doing that, I'm pretty sure they'd be tackled and put in jail. Sneezing still remains legal, but I am working on it.

If you're in a crowded area, hold your sneeze! Your lungs will not burst, that's a myth! You might get an erratic heartbeat and maybe go into cardiac arrest, but hey, better you than the room full of people! At least hold it until you can find a bag to sneeze into, then properly dispose of the bag, do not rub it on an enemy. You might make your enemy sick, but who knows who that enemy will go on to infect, perhaps one of your loved ones, and poetically speaking that's exactly what would happen, think McFly, THINK!

You need to start putting aside cultural and social rules for the sake of survival. Normally if you see a child sneezing into their hands or coughing into the air, you might just ignore it, but the time for ignorance is over. You cannot be afraid to tell that little phucker to cover his mouth or sneeze into a brown paper bag. Would you sacrifice millions of lives just to protect the feelings of one inconsiderate random child? You have to embarrass these people, we all have to. The person coughing straight ahead must be made into a social pariah and fast. If someone you know has been seen not covering a cough, you have to cut them off completely until they are ready to reform their behaviors.

If you see anyone with these symptoms in the act of coughing or sneezing, you must make a citizen's arrest and throw them into the nearest locker or garbage bin (if garbage bin, seal the top off with plastic wrap until thrashing stops).

A lot of people want to ignore safety because of how the media is overindulging themselves with the H1N1 coverage, but we can't afford even a few Asians in the armor here. Everyone has to be aware of the dangers and that doesn't mean we all need the vaccine. If all of us practice proper coughing and sneezing etiquette then there is no need for the vaccine or even Purell! Purell is very overrated and slowly eating your immune system alive. If you remember to not get mucus on your hands we should all make it through this. That is my new slogan for everyone to remember "Keep the mucus off your hands!"

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Who came first, the chicken or you?

It's a philosophical question at its very core, one that has baffled the minds of even the most learned and wise scholars. But let's face it, whatever happened between you and that chicken is in the past, time to move on now.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Will a longer school year make American kids smarter?

President Obama announced that he would like to make school days and years longer. He thinks this will help America catch up to other nations that have more expansive education. If we're being honest, the real problem is the way kids are being taught and not how long they're being taught. If you're baking shit pies, you don't make someone eat more hoping eventually they'll like them, you change the damn recipe. Interestingly, most Asian countries don't have longer school years than America and yet their students still outscore American students in testing. There's more to that than the "Asians are smart" stereotype, it's simply a different culture.

Of course the American educational system is flawed and inefficient, but even if it weren't, I doubt American students would rise to the occasion at the level that their Asian counterparts do. We live in a culture where sloth and excess are rewarded with more sloth and excess. As long as that's true, a large number of kids are going to squeak by in classes and focus on enjoying their lives now as opposed to 10 years down the line, which is actually what we're always telling people to do. That kind of mixed message is confusing even if you have a decent education.

The problem with American education is a far more deep rooted problem than how long or short the school years or days are. Of course most people are against the longer days, because they know it'll only make kids more bored and liable to do dangerous things to stay entertained, or tune out the education even more than they are now. But I do think that Obama is smarter than to think keeping kids in school longer with the same crappy system will help, at least I hope so. I hope there's more to this plan that I'm just too lazy to read about right now. Oh hey! Domino's is here! Sorry, I have to go put on my Snuggie.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Does this make you want to strap a plastic bag to your ass?

Yeah this was a weird one. Pampers has learned a lot since these crapfest commercials, but is it enough? What brand of diaper do you use? I tend to lean toward Huggies, mostly because of the name, but also because it gives me a fresh feeling even after I've done something not so fresh.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

¿Te gusta enchiladas?

A lot of commercials from the past used baby labor, but this one for "Pet Milk" was more blatant than any other at the time. It wasn't uncommon for commercial producers to snatch babies off the streets and bring them into the studio for hours at a time before dropping them on their parents' doorstep. Because it was called "babynapping" and a lot of people thought that sounded cute, it was ignored for decades. Fortunately FCC regulations have stopped a lot of this from continuing, but it is still out there.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Dog Daycare Online Cameras?

I don't really have a problem with dog daycare centers, but some of the upscale ones do get a little ridiculous. The thing that gets me is dog daycare cameras that dog owners can watch remotely online at work. I understand the need to watch what your dog is doing at all times, and to make sure that they're safe, but watching your dog on a laptop at work is like a security blanket, it means nothing when someone starts swinging a machete.

Let's say something bad does happen to your dog, a hypothetical situation, what are the odds you check the webcam before it's too late? You would have to be watching at the near exact moment. This type of paranoia could lead to poor production at work. Unless you weren't aware of that, in which case, now it will, sorry.

Now let's say you do manage to see your dog being hurt or abused live as it's happening on webcam, what are the odds you can run out of work, and get down to the dog daycare center in time? That would be a tough moment I know, but you would be racing through traffic, putting a lot of people at risk, instead of finding out after work and being able to attack the people at the daycare center with a tire iron, which, to me, sounds like way more fun.

And lastly, if you don't trust the dog daycare center enough that you must have your eye on the dog at all times, why even leave the dog there to begin with?! You know, if the daycare is that nefarious, I'm sure they could rig up a camera trick like in "Speed" and loop the same footage over and over for you while they beat the dog. Assuming you're just worried about an accident or your dog getting beat up by other dogs, I guess it's not so bad to check up every once in awhile, but if the dog really means that much to you, take her to work and tell the boss to fuck off or you'll make him your new bitch!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is the plot to "The Terminator" inevitable?

In case you didn't know, there is a real company out there named Cyberdyne. The founder, Yoshiyuki Sankai, is manufacturing the HAL 5 hybrid-assist exoskeleton. The HAL 5 is supposed to augment human strength up to ten times, which could mean it only augments strength 1.1 times, since that is within the limit of ten, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. HAL stands for Hybrid-Assisted Limb, though they probably could have come up with a better acronym that would distance themselves from HAL 9000, and HAL, the NYSE ticker symbol for Halliburton, and Hal, the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" that bastard...

Sure it starts with a simple hybrid-assist exoskeleton, then before you know it you've got full body exoskeletons, then they start making them out of liquid metal and defying all laws of logic by going back in time to kill a woman and kid at ages where they are mildly yet sufficiently able to defend themselves just to keep it entertaining.

So the next time you see a crazy guy on the street screaming "Judgment Day is coming!" At least you can rest easy knowing it's the "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" scenario, and not all that Jesus fighting Satan crap. But now that we know the movies are real, I think we all owe it to our collective futures to storm Cyberdyne headquarters and destroy the building, including that damn robot arm and special computer chip they got! And we'll have to torture as many people as we can to find out where they're hiding it! Who's with me? No one? Fine! I'll go to Japan myself! See ya on the news!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Do Space Vampires really exist?

We've all heard the tale of the Space Vampires as youngsters, but this video provides some strong evidence to prove that it's real. We are learning more and more about these freaks every day, but what planet they come from and what they actually want from us besides blood, are things that may never be known.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How do you have a chunk of plastic in your lung for two years and not know it?

By now we've all heard about the Duke doctor, Momen Wahidi, who removed a big chunk of Wendy's plastic from John Manley's lung. If you don't know who John Manley is, he's the guy who was eating at a Wendy's two years ago and drank his soda so fast he didn't notice a piece of plastic in the cup and inhaled the obstruction into his pulmonary system, where it laid for two years.

It's a good thing there weren't more people like John Manley around thousands of years ago, because if there were I could imagine there'd be an extra commandment created just for them: "Thou shalt not inhale what you intend to swallow." And that would be a big eyesore on that list. Eventually it would fall into the mini-list of commandments that we don't really take seriously like "Thou shalt not murder."

It's not often when a personal crisis can be averted by the use of a straw, but this was one of those times. I will admit, the story does seem a little curious, how can you go two years with a one inch chunk of plastic in your lung? I probably couldn't go five minutes! Maybe we should be worshiping this John Manley! (That false gods commandment is one of those I don't really pay much attention to either). I wouldn't be surprised if this was all a setup to give the Duke doctor some good publicity. Maybe what he does is implant old plastic into patients' lungs when they come in complaining of coughing. Then when he pulls it out, of course they're gonna feel better. I'm onto you Wahidi! Watch yo back!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is Jell-O racist?

This was from the 60's so perhaps they've changed, but Jell-O was never too reluctant to use racial stereotypes to sell their gelatin treats. There's a lot of talk about racism these days, so I think it's important to define what racism actually is... Come to think of it, even this commercial isn't too racist. They did have another version that was much more offensive and that one happened to be real.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What did you do for the Fourth of 'You Lie!'?

As we all know, today is the fourth day since the Fourth of 'You Lie!' (September 13th 2009) when Rep. Joe Wilson announced that he would not be making a second apology to the House of Representatives for his Obama speech heckle.

The House really wanted him to apologize for besmirching their hallowed halls of ineptitude, but he refused, dragging the ordeal out even longer. It was a very crucial day in American history.

The story has always been that Wilson's heckle was a spur of the moment thing and not organized, but it seems like the perfect plan. I think he figured he could yell at the President, make a name for himself, then if anyone had a problem with it, he could say they were wasting time on him while ignoring real issues.

And yes, that is a great point, but the bottom line is, he's the one that started all of this. Wilson should have just kept his mouth shut from the beginning and knew that an outburst would have detracted attention away from health care. You can't think that's okay to do, which is apparently what he did think, and for that, he does deserve reprimanding. That's like me going to a prostitute, kicking her in the throat, and then being all surprised and mad when she stabs me in the gut with a pocket knife. You don't launch the kick to begin with, no good can come of that. Sure you get your point across, but really, it's not worth it in the long haul, as Wilson has no doubt already realized. Who knows, there may even be an added case of Syphilis in it for him! As there was for me...

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is your shower a death trap?

For most people, the shower is a place where they can come to clean themselves, think, cry, and perhaps even masturbate, but new scientific studies show that the shower could be more dangerous than ever thought before. Of course we all know the dangers of slipping in the tub and cracking our skull against the faucet, lying there convulsing naked, shitting ourselves until help arrives too late, but this is a completely different threat... Bacteria!

Apparently most shower heads contain a massive amount of Mycobacterium avium which is often linked to lung disease. The threat isn't too severe, but if you have been experiencing inexplicable diarrhea, (that's when you have no idea what caused it, NOT when you're screaming at the heavens wondering why it had to happen to you) or any fever, and fatigue, it may not be H1N1, it could just be that the one place you thought was safe, is killing you.

Perhaps if we lower our ingestion of shower water and stop licking our shower heads clean after every use, the threat can be ignored, but that's a big IF!

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Are liquor ads ethical?

You know kids are watching this, and they make it seem so fun! I would risk a guess that this commercial alone spawned over a million alcoholics in its time. Nothing's wrong with that, but the ensuing violence, that's what I'm worried about.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Astronaut Humor: When does it go too far?

We all know that feeling of telling a joke you know is not going to be funny, while you're saying it, but you power through it like a champion and cover up the ensuing awkward silence with boisterously loud self-laughter as you see the faces of those around you turn into something more dense and embarrassed for you than a granite statue of your mother. It's not fun, but that's sometimes the way it has to be.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Is Alan Greenspan made of gingerbread?

I was reading about Leslie Cockburns' (tee hee) documentary on the American subprime credit crisis, then I saw a story on "60 Minutes" about the same thing. It's now in style to discuss what went horribly wrong years ago when Wall Street was vigorously gambling with the livelihoods of Americans. Fortunately, Michael Moore is getting involved to set the story and a few ham hoagies straight. The scary thing is, we are only now realizing what went wrong. For all we know, evil financial practices are still around today, not counting the usual ones.

One of the big players in what went wrong was Alan Greenspan, who is mostly to blame for deregulating subprime bets. I'm sure he meant well, but the end result was, the whole system got out of control and no one from the government was watching to stop it. Then I looked at Alan Greenspan and saw an unsettling resemblance to the Gingerbread Man from the movie "Shrek". After that, I realized the Gingerbread Man is a good analogy for Wall Street swindlers. The little bastard thought he couldn't be caught, he thought he was too quick, then the fucker got eaten by a fox. Which is ironic considering Rupert Murdoch probably had a hand in the crisis somehow, but which billionaires didn't? Actually it's not a good analogy considering these gingerbread fuckers never really got caught, they're all laughing about it, but that's not my fault, the gingerbread story needs to come to fruition!

I wonder if men who have slept with Leslie Cockburns get at all scared when they find out her last name the morning after... I'm just joking, that would insinuate Leslie is some kind of slut, but then again that's the joke of her name, so really I'm only commenting on that, there's no human element here, it's just about the two segments of that surname.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

What will happen on 9-09-09?

9/09/09 is supposed to be lucky because '9' is lucky to many cultures. But really, how can a day of 9's be lucky? It would have to be lucky for everyone and that's just not possible. Not everyone can be equally lucky, that's not how luck works, and it damn sure ain't the way 9 works either! You may receive good luck today if you have properly appeased the 9 gods. And no they're not 9 separate gods, they're 4 very temperamental gods that represent the number 9 and all it stands for. In case you don't understand how temperamental they are, there used to be 15, but "motherfuckers couldn't keep quiet about some shit."

I actually woke up this morning at 9:09 AM and my clock doesn't have a seconds readout, but it didn't become 9:10 for awhile, so I'll just assume I woke up at 9:09:09 on the dot. Did I mention my pajamas were soaking in urine? That's gotta be a good sign, or a really bad one, depending on how you look at things, and whose urine it was. Hopefully by the time 9:09:09 PM rolls around I will be lucky enough to be fully dry, yes I am going to sit around waiting for myself to dry naturally because I don't believe in laundry machines or logical nakedness.

And as far as 10/10/10 goes, I will venture to guess that will be a much more eventful "many of the same numbers" day that our buffoon culture drools over. I heard that everyone who eats pork on that day will transform into several ravenous werewolves (one person will split into about five werewolves) and terrorize the rest of humanity as wildfires stretch across America while Asia laughs having already experienced their own version of this a day earlier. Then Abraham Lincoln will rise from the dead and kill several dozen people in search of flesh to spread over his bones. Once he has his flesh, he'll attempt a forceful coup over the current government and be killed by attack dogs on the White House lawn where he will be unable to choose the kind of health care he wants.

-Binkie McFartnuggets

Why don't celebrities die more often?

When I ask this question, most people assume I hate celebrities. They think "Oh, you must want them to die otherwise you'd see their immortality as a good thing and leave it be!" Well, that's not the kind of person I am. I want to know WHY they have this immortality. Okay, immortality is a strong word, but let me explain my curiosity.

About 35 public figures have died in 2009 so far. But that list includes Mike Tyson's daughter, Jeremy Lusk, Wayman Tisdale, Nick Adenhart, (not true celebrities), Socks the Cat and Gidget the Taco Bell Dog (not people), as well as Ted Kennedy, Robert McNamara, Dom DeLuise, Oscar Mayer, Walter Cronkite, Eunice Shriver, Don Hewitt, Les Paul, Ed McMahon, and Bea Arthur (people who mostly died of natural causes). With that in mind the list decreases to around 20 surprising deaths and really only Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and David Carradine were established stars who shockingly died all of a sudden (which is the type of death I'm wondering about.) That number seems curiously sparse to me.

In 2004, 2,398,343 Americans died. So, per day, that gives us a rough figure of 6,571 people. 6,571 Americans die every day, if every day is like a day in 2004... But still. That's 274 an hour and 5 every minute. If you count all the celebrities we have in America, and I'm including popular musicians, actors (even people on VH1), politicians (even the non-charismatic ones), best-selling authors (even the recluses), and pretty much anyone that's constantly in the media, that gives you a shitload of people and yet here we are, WITH the celebrity death wave earlier this year, at three? Five-star celebrities were dropping like flies in the 70's, mostly because of drug use, but drugs are still around AND we have way more celebrities than back then. It just doesn't add up.

You're saying "But they're rich! They have better access to health care and bodyguards." That is true, but not many celebrities in their primes are hooked up to iron lungs being saved by medical technology, and think about all the travel that's going on these days. When I think of celebrity plane deaths I think of Buddy Holly, JFK Jr., and Aaliyah, that's three notable (key word) in the past 50 years! Is that weird? Or is small craft flight really that safe? Those things are falling out of the sky left and right these days, it's just that no celebrities are on board, and maybe the pilots take extra precautions when they're transporting big wigs, but accidents will happen, or not... Consider the plane crash from September of 2008 that had Travis Barker and DJ AM on board. Those two were notable, so they survived, the other 4 people on board who died? Not celebrities. DJ AM did die later on, but that's not the point.

In conclusion, 33 actual people in the public eye died this year as of September 1st 2009, along with around 1,598,896 normal run-of-the-mill, average Americans. Are celebrities that rare? You might not know one personally, but if you knew 1,598,896 people, odds are you'd know more than 33 "celebrities"... These are people who constantly get into trouble, drive drunk, and live life to its fullest, and yet manage to escape the scythe of death much easier than an average American. You have a 0.00214% chance of dying every single day based purely on statistics. If I could find the number of total celebrities, (which is pretty hard to find) I could compare the two percentages, but from what I see, the best thing you can do for your health is forget about the health care debate and try to get on the next season of "Survivor".

-Binkie McFartnuggets

How does outer space affect human nipples?

You've always wanted to know how zero gravity affects human nipples. You assumed that the lack of gravity would prevent sagging on teats, but that's the breastases, I'm talking the actual nipple here.

Would Michael Jackson have made a good Spider-Man?

In an interview, Spider-Man creator Stan Lee mentioned that during conversations with Michael Jackson, Jackson intimated a wish to star in the Spider-Man films. All I can say is, "Why the hell didn't they do this?!" In hindsight this seems like an amazing idea, of course the Spider-Man films have grossed more money than California, but Jackson would have made that ten thousand times better.

Sure some people might be turned off by the idea of Michael Jackson starring in any film, let alone a superhero film where he's running around in a tight spandex bodysuit, but... Have you seen the flash mobs for this guy? Even in death he's the most popular entertainer around! You think Justin Timberlake is going to have several thousand people gather in a town square to do some N'Sync dances anytime soon? Get real!

Just imagine if all the people who gathered to do those Jackson dances in mass (aside from all the inmates) paid to see Jackson's Spider-Man films. Holy crotch grab! That's talking loads of carnival ride money. I would go so far to say that if Jackson had been allowed the role of Peter Parker/Spider-Man, that would have kept his spirits up and he would definitely be alive today. Tobey Maguire would be doing well, I assume, and Kirsten Dunst would naturally be married to Jackson with tons of odd children running around. It would have been a better world damnit! Maybe George W. Bush watches "Spider-Man" in 2002, sees humanity for it's beauty, and then decides to NOT invade Iraq. Well that changes things a little doesn't it?! You chew on that.

A side note: Jackson had always identified with Peter Pan and called his home Neverland. Peter Pan is a property of Disney, and now Disney has bought Marvel, including Spider-Man... Is that just coincidence? Or does Disney know something I don't? Peter Pan, Spider Man, are those linked some how? I'm going to get to the bottom of this!

-Binkie McFartnuggets