10.31.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Shouldn’t Churches Have Retractable Roofs?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
How come people pray in churches indoors so much? If they’re praying to god shouldn’t they be outside looking to the sky? Shouldn’t the roofs of churches be able to retract and open up on a sunny clear day so everyone can pray under the light of Christ? Churches sure take enough money to pay for that kind of thing. -- Hector from Calabasas, California


Dear Hector:
Actually some churches do have retractable roofs already. It is a little unnecessary though. Clearly god can see through roofs. If he couldn’t see through roofs then that would mean he couldn’t watch football games and help players on teams that play in domed stadiums. I mean that could explain why most domed teams like the Minnesota Vikings, Atlanta Falcons, Indianapolis Colts, Minnesota Twins, and Tampa Bay Rays don’t win many championships… The St. Louis Rams won once though. Maybe they were an exception to the rule. That’s just a coincidence. God can see through roofs. If he couldn’t then he’d only be able to bless the people who live outside which are homeless and clearly he doesn’t do that! Unless god really does care about sports as much as the players seem to think and that’s all he spends his time on. It’s possible, but until then I’d say churches should spend their money helping the homeless who are already living without a roof over installing a mechanical roof for themselves.

I sure hope god likes looking down on sharp points!

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10.30.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Chip on Your Shoulder”

Sometimes people say shit like “Growing up, I always had a chip on my shoulder and that made me fight harder to prove people wrong.” I don’t really see how a chip on your shoulder is such a big deal. First of all, what kind of chip are we talking about? Chocolate? Potato? American potato chips? Kettle cooked or baked? Maybe you have a British chip on your shoulder which is what they would call a french fry. There’s one thing all of those things have in common regardless of what kind of chip they are, they’re all extremely light. Chips are inherently light things. They’re merely a chip off of something much larger like a block of chocolate or a whole potato. So why is walking around with such a light thing on your shoulder such a problem? I would think walking around with a chocolate chip on your shoulder would be more of a pain in the ass to keep it from falling off. I’m not sure how that motivates you in life though. Now if you mean to say there’s a chip IN your shoulder like flesh got cut out, then that still actually makes no sense. Also, again you’re talking about a chip so it can’t be that substantial of a thing.

Maybe a whole bag would do something, but not a single chip.

The Top 5 Worst Halloween Costumes of 2015

Halloween is upon us once again which means it’s time for a quick recap of which Halloween costumes you should DEFINITELY NOT wear this year. Halloween costumes are all about grabbing attention, but here are the top 5 costumes that will get you the wrong kind of attention:


5. Cop
Dressing like a cop is always a risky move what with the chance you get arrested for impersonating a police officer. This year it’s a little more risky considering all the racial tension in America lately between African Americans and White cops. Now a lot of cops are heroes, but a few bad eggs have spoiled this for everyone. There have just been too many incidents to mention so it’s best to steer clear of the cop costume especially if you live near Baltimore or Ferguson, Missouri.

You definitely cross the line when you pretend to arrest someone.


4. Donald Trump
Donald Trump is bound to be a popular costume this year, but it may rub some people the wrong way. If you’re in a red state and can afford the suit and wig made of spun gold and fiberglass then go for it, but if you’re anywhere there might be Hispanic people you might want to reconsider.

Don't forget to put a dead cat on your head for the proper effect.


3. Caitlyn Jenner
Another highly popular and controversial costume this year will be Caitlyn Jenner. It will once again probably be okay with red state folks, but if you’re anywhere there might be women or politically correct liberal folk you’re asking for trouble. Caitlyn Jenner might be a reality star who murdered someone, but they are a person and not a fictional character. You get away with a lot more when you’re portraying fictional characters.

You shouldn't dress like people making difficult life choices.


2. Bill Cosby
Now I’m not sure how many people will have the balls to go as Bill Cosby, but those will be some pretty aloof individuals. It’s really the worst possible costume for someone to go as because if you’re not offending women or just humans with all the rape business, the blackface would probably put you over the top. This costume is totally offensive with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

The number of people offended by your Bill Cosby costume might not even outnumber the people he's allegedly assaulted.


And the number one worst Halloween costume for 2015 is...



1. Jared Fogle
If there was going to be a costume or person that could beat out Bill Cosby it has to be Jared Fogel the Subway guy. Now while Bill Cosby likely sexually assaulted upwards of a thousand woman (rough estimate) Jared was doing about the same thing but with children. Both are obviously horrifying and appalling, but I think you have to give the edge to Jared in today’s society. Plus, there’s much less of a statute of limitations on Jared’s crimes. Like the sandwiches, the charges are quite fresh. If you see anyone going as Jared this year, feel free to castigate them for it. Anyone normal sized with glasses holding big ass pants to imitate massive weight loss up would be a suspect.

I don't even think THIS would be an acceptable costume.

10.28.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Homeless People Shake a Cup of Coins?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I always see homeless people shaking cups of coins and I don’t know why. What is the purpose behind this action? I get that it draws attention to them, but if I give them a dollar then the paper dollar will muffle the sound of the coins and ruin their little noisemaker. With two or three dollars in there then the coins won’t be able to rattle as loud and people won’t notice them as much. That’s why I never give them the money I don’t want to ruin their shaky cup. Their own noisemaker limits their ability to make money so why would they even do that? Why not just find another better way to attract attention to themselves? -- Amber from New Orleans, Louisiana


Dear Amber:
You’re right, they do it to attract potential money donors. I don’t know what you would suggest they do? Signs are nice, but cardboard doesn’t really attract the eye. The sound of coins grabs your ear really well. Shaking a cup of coins illustrates to people how poor you are it helps make people feel sorry for you. The best coin cup has a dollar bill in there just to show other people that it’s okay to put in full bills. If they get any more than that I think they’d just pocket the bills to keep the rattle sound going. If you want to give them money but don’t want to disrupt their cup sound I would recommend dropping in some Sacajawea dollars. Those are nice and heavy and will give a really meaty clinking sound which is sure to catch people’s attention. They may require more energy to shake overtime, but having a cup too heavy to shake I’m sure is a problem most homeless people would like to have.

A cup of coins is like the homeless version of maracas.

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10.26.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “I Don’t Do Drugs. I AM Drugs!”

The famous Spanish painter Salvador Dali was quoted with saying “I don’t do drugs… I AM DRUGS!” Which sounds a lot like something a bath salts zombie shrieks at the heavens before they bite your nose off. Some people think Dali really didn’t do drugs and this quote was just his way of saying his paintings were like drugs that made the viewers trip. If that is indeed the case then the quote is flawed. If his paintings were drugs then he made he drugs. The act of painting generally involves you looking at the painting and taking it in during the process. Whether he liked it or not, he was under the influence of his own work. It’s a little difficult to cook cocaine while never trying any of it. You have to at least taste a little to know how good it is. To me, that counts as doing drugs. If you characterize your own personality and identity as “drugs” then you’re automatically indulging in those drugs by default whenever you look inward at yourself. This quote just sounds too much like something a severe drug addict says to deny their drug use while simultaneously admitting to it. Ironically, when someone’s being erratic and self contradicting that’s when you know they’re really high. Have you even seen a picture of this guy? The man’s appearance combined with all those melting clocks should clear up any confusion over whether or not he took actual narcotics.

Does this look like a sober person?

10.25.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Be the Kind of Woman Who, When Your Feet Hit the Floor in the Morning The Devil Says, Oh No She's Up.”

There’s a saying/quote that’s growing in popularity with women on the internet that goes “Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor in the morning the Devil says, Oh no she's up.” Okay first off, this is way too long to be a saying. You gotta cap most sayings at like 10 words, 15 words at the most. This is 22 words. That’s damn near a paragraph. This quote really only works in the context of the internet. You can’t cite this quote in real life, you’d sound ridiculous repeating this outloud. You’d be the kind of woman who, when you said this the Devil says, “Jesus Christ, get to the point already, I really don’t have time to listen to this whole fucking quote.” To top it all off, I’m not even 100% sure I know what this quote is supposed to mean. To be honest, it sounds a little like a quote for morbidly obese women. Like if your feet HIT the floor and the tremors are so strong Satan can feel it deep down in the kingdom of Hell. Now Satan is like “Damn, we were doing okay down here until this bitch got up and now she’s gonna be stomping all over town loud as fuck with her fat ass... ” That’s the meaning that makes the most sense to me. Why would the Devil give a damn what you’re doing in your day-to-day life? Unless you’re doing a lot of drastically religious things like spreading the word of God all over the place, I don’t think satan would dread your daily awakening. Believe it or not, I doubt Old Scratch gives a rat’s ass that you took the kids to banjo practice, went for a jog, and got your weekly botox treatment.

Do you really think Satan cares about your sleeping habits?

10.24.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Would America Be Safe With Hillary Clinton as President?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
The Democrats are probably going to nominate Hillary Clinton to be their Presidential candidate for 2016. I can’t believe Hillary Clinton as the President of the United States though. This is a dangerous world we live in right now with the Isis and the radical islamacists. What if another 9/11 happened with Hillary Clinton as the President? Remember when 9/11 happened and George W. Bush stood on the fallen Twin Towers with the megaphone and then later threw the first pitch at the World Series? He threw a perfect strike in the center of the zone and that let the country and the world know America wasn’t messing around. What if Hillary Clinton had to throw out the first pitch at the World Series like George W. Bush did! Could you imagine that? Could she even do it? I picture her throwing a ball that lands halfway and rolls slowly at the catcher and that just motivates the terrorists even more. Could Hillary Clinton land on an aircraft carrier under a big Mission Accomplished banner wearing a fighter pilot outfit? Why aren’t people considering this kind of stuff? -- Francis from Frankfort, Kentucky


Dear Francis:
Well, George W. Bush did stand under that “Mission Accomplished” banner, but the mission was far from accomplished so as cool as he looked he still appeared a tad foolish. And yeah maybe Hillary couldn’t throw out a first pitch, but that’s mostly meaningless. Bush’s first pitch was a nice thing to see that helped the country have a feel good moment after being attacked, but terrorists didn’t see him throw a strike and think “Oh shit, we’re in for it now!” If anything, terrorists are more familiar with Cricket so seeing Hillary bounce one might be more impressive to them. I’m sure she’d have Bill Clinton or the Secretary of Defense or the Vice President or Toby Keith or something throw it on her behalf. Plus, some people think she’s a lesbian so maybe she has a better arm than you think. Bottom line, if a first pitch after the next 9/11 is your main reason to oppose Hillary Clinton as President then you might need some better reasons.

She is starting to look a little like George Washington so that's comforting.


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10.23.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Make Yourself at Home”

Sometimes when you enter someone’s house they say “Hey, there’s cookies and milk on the table, make yourself at home!” Yet for some reason when you take your pants and undies off to let your balls get some air they scream at you. Listen, you said “make yourself at home” so that’s exactly what I do at home. I’m sorry, was I not supposed to take what you said literally? Normally when people say polite crap like that it’s meant to be taken literally like “Get home safe.” You tell me to get home safe and I know to actually get home safe, I know it’s not just figuratively speaking and I should crash my car into a ravine. When I’m at home I walk around naked. This is not an uncommon thing. If you’re in YOUR home then you have a right to feel as free as you want and not constrict yourself to the societal rules of outdoors and other people’s private space. However, when someone gives you that green light to treat their space as your own, that lets me know it’s time to let the Ol’ Binkie Jr. and the twins out. The problem is people presuming to know what you do in the privacy of your own home. You’re lucky all I do is lounge around with my dick and balls out, for all you know I might stick a radish up my ass and start singing “Whip It” by Devo at the top of my lungs. The point is, either mean what you say or don’t be a crappy host by misleading your guests. And if you have the misguided courage to say “Make yourself at home” to people you just met don’t be shocked when things get out of your comfort zone.

When I'm at home I sit nude in front of the fireplace. Is that a surprise?

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Do Americans Waste So Much Food?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
According to the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations about 40% of all food in America gets wasted, around 165 billion dollars worth every year! Why is it that Americans waste so much damn food? I thought they were eating it all! How can you waste that much food and still be obese? Imagine if they were eating it! -- Lisa from Vancouver, British Columbia

Dear Lisa:
Yes Americans do waste a lot of food and it’s a serious problem. I think it’s because too many people are trying to eat healthy these days. The majority of wasted food seems to be produce. People in America want to try to eat healthy so they stock up on stuff like tomatoes, kale, and cucumbers. Then, after a couple days the shit goes bad and they have to throw it out. It goes bad because people like the idea of eating fresh vegetables, but when it comes down to it vegetables taste really boring and old vegetables (while still edible) taste like crap. Now if everyone was surviving mainly on Triscuits and Twinkies that take longer to go bad, I think you’d see less food waste. If people stopped buying so much perishable crap you’d see those food waste numbers drop drastically. Of course you’d also have farmers losing their livelihoods. The fact is, farmers need to harvest their crops and make money. There’s simply not enough people who want to eat vegetables and fruits so a lot of it goes to waste. You can only eat so many vegetables in a day and each day that goes by they grow more and more mold. Our farming system is simply a flawed food system that lends itself to wastefulness. It’d be a lot easier to just plant fewer crops than force people to eat vegetables, but we need our farming industry. As long as that’s the case you’re going to see us wasting a shitload of food every year. The thing is, what are we going to do with the wasted food anyway? When was the last time you saw a homeless man eating a head of cabbage? If you went to a homeless person with a handful of turnips they’d probably tell you to go fuck yourself. Homeless people like vegetables about as much as housed individuals, that’s why the only people dumpster diving for wasted produce are vegan, gluten-free hipsters. If we were all vegans that might help the food waste problem, but then the meat industry would be in jeopardy which creates the same economic problem. Food waste is just a sad truth of life and until you see hobos munching on bell peppers I don’t think it’ll change any time soon.

You'll find dumpsters full of this crap all across America. Dumpster bacon on the other hand is incredibly rare.

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10.21.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “It’s Not How You Start, It’s How You Finish”

One thing you hear people say a lot is “It’s not how you start, it’s how you finish.” This is a nice idea, but it’s ultimately a flawed concept. Of course how you start matters. If you start life as a homeless crack baby then yeah that’s a pretty big deal. If you start life with your skin inside out without a fully formed mouth then yes IT IS how you start that matters most. On the flip side, how you finish in life isn’t that important really. It’s not important because we all finish the same! We all die! That’s the finish for everyone. So how the hell can it matter how you finish when it’s the same exact way everyone else is going to finish? If you grow up poor and become rich that’s not how you finished. This saying needs to be fully replaced to “It’s not over til you’re dead.” Because when you’re dead that’s it, end of story. If you believe in the afterlife then the phrase is just as useless because then that means you never finish. You’d live eternally and so there’s no possible scenario of a finish in your future. Either way, this saying is bogus. Also, what if you’re starting a family. Of course how you start matters more than how you finish when you’re starting a family. No one wants to think about how their family will end. How the family ends doesn’t matter. What led to the family disassembling is what matters. So anyway you slice it, the beginning and end don’t matter shit compared to the middle part.

Do you go for the win or maintain your dignity?

10.19.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “You Need a Hobby”

Sometimes a person sees you masturbating to sunbathers at the park and they say “You need a hobby…” Apparently this is the new way of saying “Get a life” and I have to say it’s very hypocritical. First of all, maybe this is my hobby! Did you ever stop to consider that? Also, what are YOU doing with your life that’s so outstanding? Who are you to judge other people’s lifestyles? The way I see it, as long as you’re not hurting people there’s no wrong way to live your life. Ideally we would all be volunteering at soup kitchens and using our spare time to help others, but that’s not what most people do. Most people just spend their time doing what they want to do, doing what makes them happy. People who say “You need a hobby” are hypocritical because anyone who cares even for a second how other people are living their lives is in no position to be giving life advice. If you’re actually enjoying life, odds are you’re too busy engaging in your own enjoyable activities to be concerned with judging other people. Yeah I’m watching people sunbathing at the park, but you’re watching ME watching other people sunbathe. So if I’m a loser then what does that make you? The lady laying out in the grass getting a tan, she’s a winner. She’s living her life enjoying herself. I’m watching her from afar through binoculars, I’m enjoying that so I win. But who the fuck are you? Watching ME? If you’re deriving enjoyment from that then YOU’RE the one who needs to get a hobby. So the next time you want to stop and take a moment of your day to criticize someone else’s use of their time, take a looking a mirror and realize you’re doing the same goddamn thing. I know you want to make other people feel bad to try and elevate yourself without actually accomplishing anything besides taking someone else down, but that’s a really cheap way to feel good about yourself.

Yeah, I'm sure this will help me get laid...

10.18.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Okay to Raise My Child to Speak in an English Accent?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I’m three months pregnant and after watching YouTube videos I’ve decided I’m going to teach my child to speak with an English accent. For some reason children are a thousand times cuter when they speak in an English accent like they’re tiny butlers running around in a Charles Dickens story. I’m just wondering if there are any negatives to this. Could it ruin the child’s mind in anyway? I love babies with English accents, but I want to do the right thing. Maybe I’ll try it with this first one and if it doesn’t work out I’ll stop doing it for the future children I plan to have. -- Lindsie from Tempe, Arizona


Dear Lindsie:
Yeeeeeaaaaahhh… I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. Firstly, that would take quite a commitment. You would need to be speaking in an English accent to your baby almost exclusively. Not many people who aren’t from England can pull that off. Even if you do manage to do that, your child will likely get teased at school by their American accent speaking peers. They’ll ask you why you raised them to speak with an English accent and you’ll have to look them dead in the eyes and say “Because I thought it was cute.” Of course, there’s also the chance that they may pick up an American accent from all their normal classmates over time which will foil your several year plan. I guess it could work for the first two or four years, but once their brains develop enough to create memories I would cut it out.

You may as well send your child to school dressed up like a foppish dandy.

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10.17.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “I’m a Curious Person”

Sometimes you catch a woman going through your personal items when she thinks you’re gone. You yell, “Hey what the hell are you doing?!” And like clockwork she says “Sorry, I’m just a curious person.” What kind of excuse is that for violating someone’s privacy? You’re a curious person? Okay so that’s supposed to give you a key to everyone’s personal things. I got news for you, EVERYONE is curious. When you’re a baby you go around putting things in your mouth sticking your fingers everywhere because you’re curious. Human beings are naturally curious, but as we get older we’re expected to have some control over our curiosities. It’s fine to be curious. Curiosity is what led to our modern civilization, but there’s a line between being curious and being nosey. If you're curious about things like life on Mars then you’re intelligent. If you’re curious about stupid things like what’s in someone’s phone or underwear drawer then you’re less intelligent. You have to learn to temper your curiosities when it comes to other people. If you’re a curious person then read books, explore the jungle, the depths of the oceans, and far off countries. If you just want to know people’s secrets then that’s really not a great use of your time. We only have so much time to live on this planet, why waste it being curious about the inconsequential minutia of everyday life. Instead, look at the broader picture and be curious about the universe as a whole. For one, you would never have to apologize for that curiosity.

Looks like we got a regular Sherlock Holmes going through the baby skeleton collection in my basement over here!

10.16.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Can I Donate Sperm To Charity?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I really want to help other people less fortunate than me, the problem is I don’t have very much money at the moment. What I do have is a lot of spare time and I am a great masturbator. I know that people can be sperm donors and sell their sperm so is there any way I can just give my sperm to a charity and let them keep the money? There’s a Red Cross for blood donations so is there a White Cross for semen donations or something? -- Dillon from Minneapolis, Minnesota


Dear Dillon:
From my experience, most charities will not take any form of semen, human or animal. The weird thing is if you insist and mail it to them or leave it in front of their door overnight they file legal action against you. I know it’s weird that you can donate blood but you can’t donate semen to charities, but they get a little picky about that sort of stuff. You’d think beggars can’t be choosers, but alas they certainly can. If you really want to donate your semen to a charity, the best thing you can do is donate it to a sperm bank for money. Then take that money and donate the actual money to charity. Use the sperm bank as a jizzy middleman. Of course it’d be nice if the charities would just take the cum, but hey, this isn’t a perfect world. That’s why we’ve gotta do what we can to help others! Good luck!

Your sperm are going to die anyway. Better to have them die for a good cause.

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10.15.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Respect Your Elders”

Sometimes when you push an old lady in a Wal-Mart parking lot after she was talking shit during a dispute over a parking spot, onlookers shake their heads and say “You should respect your elders, punk!” There’s this belief across much of the world that you have to respect elderly people automatically even when they’ve done nothing to deserve the respect from you directly. The way I see it, respect has to be earned. When I meet an elderly person I have no way of telling how much respect they’ve earned over the course of their life. Now maybe if they’re covered in military medals and shit then you can safely assume they’re very respectable, but if they’re just normal old people then there’s no way of telling who they are as a person. Yeah I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, but as soon as they start disrespecting me then that’s open season for me to fight back. Just being old isn’t really a reason to respect someone. You should respect them more than a young person, but that’s not saying much. Being elderly only shows that you’ve lived more life than most people. If you’re super old then you’ve been very lucky in your life to get as far as you have. Maybe you earned that right then again maybe you didn’t. An elderly woman could have had every single thing in her life handed to her and even after 90 years on this planet she might still not know how to respect others. You want me to automatically respect someone like that just because she’s old? Fuck that. If she treats me with respect, I give it right back, but being old doesn’t give you the right to fuck with people. You already hit the longevity jackpot, don’t push your luck trying to disrespect me, bitch. I treat people equally. I don’t see AGE. If you step to me with an attitude whether you’re 1 or 100, you’re getting put in your place. Maybe if more people treated you like that you would have learned a thing or two by now. Who you think you are taking my parking spot you wrinkly old asshole...

Either you grow old or you die early. We respect the dead, so we're supposed to respect you either way? That doesn't seem right.

10.14.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “What is it Like to Have a Grandpa?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
Hey I was wondering what it’s like to have a grandpa. I never knew mine. I’ve always wanted to have a grandfather, but I only have grandmothers. I have three grandmas. My grandpa on my father’s side passed away. My mother’s parents are both women. My biggest grandma is transgendered so she would have been my one living grandpa. We don’t do things that I see other kids doing with their grandpa’s though and it makes me sad. Is it really cool to have a grandpa? -- Leon from Providence, Rhode Island


Dear Leon:
Oh… Right.. That’s probably going to be happening a lot more these days. Three grandmas, that’s pretty cool. That means you get three cards on your birthday with $2 dollars inside! That’s six dollars! That’s almost a useful amount of money! Having a grandpa isn’t that great. They make pretend quarters are coming out of your ears and take you to baseball games. That’s pretty much it. A grandma can do all the same shit especially if she has a dong. If you feel that strongly about it you should ask your big grandma to do some grandpa stuff. I’m sure she won’t mind. Same sex grandparents are going to be a lot more common than you think. Sure it’ll be weird to see, but that’s the future we’re going to live in, if humanity makes it that far.

Grandpa or grandma, it doesn't matter. All that matters is you have a senile, funny smelling relative who loves you.

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10.13.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “You’re Doing a Heck of a Job”

Sometimes when you’re the head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency dealing with the aftermath of a hurricane, a guy in a cowboy hat will walk up to you and say “You’re doing a heck of a job!” Heck of course is a politically correct substitute for “Hell.” The problem I have with this saying is that it’s meant to be praise. Doing a hell or heck of a job is considered a good thing, but isn’t Hell a bad place though? Unless you’re a Satanist, doing a hell of a job should be an insult. A proper way to say this would be “You’re doing a heavenly job.” If doing a hell of a job is good then being told “You look like hell” should be a compliment. From my experience, it is not. So in 2005 when George W. Bush told director of FEMA Michael Brown “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job” he was actually being very accurate. New Orleans was turned into a hellscape which featured some of the darkest depths of human suffering we’ve ever seen. That’s what a “heck of a job” should mean. We need to start using words properly. Hell is supposed to be bad. Maybe this basic confusion is what’s causing such a deterioration in society and culture. Hell = bad, bad = not good!

Satan is one hell of an interior decorator.

10.11.2015

Dumbass Song Lyrics: “She’s a Brick House”

In the year 1977 The Commodores came out with the hit song “Brick House.” The song features the lyrics “She’s a brick house” and goes on to sing the praises of a woman who is built like a house made of bricks. My question is why would you want to fuck a house? Why would you want to fuck bricks? Who finds masonry that attractive? Let me tell you something, you try to fuck a brick structure you’re walking away with a sprained dick, best case scenario. Of course the song came from the saying “Built like brick shithouse” which is very disrespectful to say about a woman. Fortunately they don’t say “shithouse” in the song, but it’s implied. Of course the implication is that a shithouse is an outhouse where you go to defecate and urinate. Why you would willingly compare a woman to that is beyond me. The only time you would say that is if she was a human toilet and enjoyed that fetish, but even then I wouldn’t go singing that around to everyone. I don’t know any woman who would be flattered by the comparison to a dried clay structure. Plus, at this point it’s obvious brick construction isn’t the greatest. How many homes and buildings are built with bricks these days? Bricks are an outdated method of construction. Reinforced concrete with steel framing is the way to go nowadays.

Who wouldn't want to fuck that?

10.10.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Isn’t it a Little Early to Drink?”

One of people’s favorite things to say to you in the mornings is “Isn’t it a little early to be drinking?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this, mostly because I blackout shortly after, but suffice it to say it’s very annoying. I never understood this whole being too early to drink nonsense. First off, sorry if I’m not a procrastinator. I like to get things done very early. Some people wait and they wait too long. I say, why put off what you can do tonight when you can do it in the morning! Life is life, 9 am versus 9 pm doesn’t really matter. It all depends on your own personal schedule. Now yeah if I have a day job then drinking at 10 am would be irresponsible. How do you know I have a day job though? I could just as well have a night job. If I have a night job then 10 am would be my 10 pm and you’d be completely wrong to pass judgement on me. Maybe the morning is my nighttime! People love to assume. The other thing is, it’s never too early to drink. I know this because it’s never too late to drink. It’s all a matter of how you look at it. Maybe I’m just drinking late from last night. Maybe I don’t know what day it is! Maybe just maybe I don’t follow the man made conception of the measurement of time and I choose to live in the active present which is all that truly exists and I don’t take tonight for granted. Tomorrow isn’t promised to us and neither is tonight.

Some people call it "alcoholism" I call it "being proactive."

10.09.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “God Broke The Mold When He Made You”

Sometimes when you’re out having dinner with a lady she puts her hand over yours and says “God really broke the mold when he made you.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? God broke the mold? What mold? First off, if God has a mold that he uses to make people in then it must be a mold of his image. So are you telling me that I broke God’s image? That must make me more powerful than god or something. That’s pretty insane. I would never claim to be more powerful than God. Do I have a few things I would do differently than God? Sure! But do I consider myself better than God? No of course not. It would be insanely arrogant for me to put myself in God’s shoes, if God even wears shoes.  God doesn’t make people in a mold like some kind of human factory. Also, “god broke the mold when he made you” almost sounds like an insulting thing you’d say to an overweight person. Why else would God’s mold break? It’s GOD. Surely his or her or its mold wouldn’t break. If anything, God would decide to change the mold. If that’s the case then that’s rather unremarkable. That just means the mold was changed prior to your conception and likely continued to be used on others thereafter.

The sperm goes into the funnel and then it's heat pressed into the vagina mold and left to cool.

10.07.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Normal to Be Afraid of Midgets?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I have a sort of embarrassing condition to admit. I am deathly afraid of midgets. I don’t know exactly when it started, maybe when I was a kid. I was at a park and I saw a midget there and it was really creepy to me for some reason. It was an adult but my size so that was scary to me. Now that I’m older, like high school girls, I’ve gotten bigger and older, but the midgets stayed the same. The thing that really scares me is the idea that a midget could be in your house right now and you’d have no idea. They can get through your doggie door and hide anywhere in your house! For some reason this feeling overcomes me with panic whenever I think about it. I could look all over the house and never be 100% sure there wasn’t a midget hiding in my pantry or something you know? People tell me I’m weird for having this fear, but it’s real. There could be a midget hiding under your bathroom sink right now. That could literally be happening and you wouldn’t ever know it! -- Hugo from Shrewsbury, Massachusetts


Dear Hugo:
Okay wow. That’s a little bit much. First, right off the bat they’re not called the m-word they’re called “Diminutive Stature Individuals.” To answer your question, no it’s not normal to be that afraid of short people, but it’s not unheard of either. It’s called Achondroplasiaphobia, the unnatural fear of people with Achondroplasia. While what you said about DSI is true, they COULD be in your house, you have to stop and think, why would they be in your house? Try to work through this logically. What are they there for? If anything they’d be there to give you a hug and tell you to calm down because they’re just normal people like anyone else. I would say you have to face your fears, but DSI are just regular people. I wouldn’t recommend going up to one and touching them or staring at them the way you would a mime or a clown. Realize that they’re just shorter people than average and they have a condition that usually creates a lot of joint pain and bone issues for them so even if there was a rogue tiny person in your house, there’s really nothing to fear even IF that did happen. Most likely they’re too busy living their lives and raising families to be camping out in your bathroom cupboard for hours on end waiting for the perfect moment to jump out at you.

They're so cute it's scary.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

10.06.2015

Dumbass sayings: “Lone Wolf”

You hear a lot on the news about national security trying to prevent “lone wolf” attacks from terrorists. I really don’t like that term “lone wolf attack.” We shouldn’t call them “lone wolves.” Why not? Because lone wolf sounds kinda cool. Wolves are very beautiful animals. Why would you link the hideousness of terrorism with such a majestic and mysterious creature? We should be calling these terrorists them “lone pussies” instead. Imagine if you heard a reporter on the news saying “There was another lone pussy attack today…” How many young, angry males unhappy with their lives with access to weapons would aspire to be a “lone pussy”? The title of “lone wolf” might be attractive to them though. The news makes a lot of mistakes when it comes to reporting and indulging mass murderers. The more they sensationalize it and act so excited when a new spree killing happens, the more it appears they actually want this kind of shit to happen. They may as well call these killers “Lone awesome guys!” Of course no one would go that far, but it goes to show that what we call things actually does matter. For what it’s worth, “lone awesome guy” isn’t that far from “lone wolf” because wolves are awesome and no one can dispute that.

Can we NOT compare mass killers and terrorists to awesome animals?

10.05.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Is it Wrong to Give All Children Participation Trophies?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
My son, Nelson ran into the house today after his mother picked him up from tee-ball and showed me a trophy he received. I was so proud of him until I read the trophy and it said “For Participation.” I wanted to throw the crap in the garbage, but my wife stopped me. Look, I know my kid is not the most athletic in the world. I know he’s pretty bad at tee-ball. I went to one game and he whiffed three times. He struck out at TEE-BALL. Oh the tee was on top of its game that day I can assure you! The ball was practically unhittable! Now he has a trophy that’s going to link his shitty experience with victory. I have half a mind to find his coach and punch his lights out for willfully supplying my child with reverse psychology negative reinforcement. Just what in the hell are these coaches doing? Am I wrong here or is this a really stupid idea? -- Hank from Bloomfield, Indiana


Dear Hank:
A lot has been made of participation trophies and I don’t think they’re such a terrible thing. They might mean something to a kid who would get nothing at all so it’s nice to cheer them up after failure. A participation trophy can encourage kids to give it their best shot and even if they don’t win they’ll still end up with something of moderate value. The fact is, if everyone gets a participation trophy they’re basically meaningless. If they’re meaningless then it teaches kids that there are more important things than trophies, for instance, money. Kids will grow up realizing that physical trophies like pro sports titles are nearly worthless and what’s really important is the social status attained by the difficulty of achieving the trophy (which is true). No child will strive to achieve a participation trophy because they’ve already attained one. The kids who are okay with just getting the participation trophy weren’t going to succeed anyway so there’s no harm being done. Also, all these trophies are keeping trophy companies in business. Those are American jobs and there’s nothing wrong with stimulating the economy by nationally subsidizing participation trophies to enhance the self esteem of the weakest kids.

Trophies don't really make people happy like they used to.

Send your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com

10.04.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Shit Just Got Real”

When your grandmother calls your cousin a “little slut” at Thanksgiving and then your cousin slaps your grandma in the face, your aunt turns to you and yells “Shit just got real!” Shit just got real? I got news for ya, shit was always real. We occur in the realm of reality here. Any “shit” that happens is most definitely real, that’s what happening means. This isn’t The Matrix. Seeing someone push an old lady down the stairs doesn’t suddenly clear a space in the haze of a holographic projection created by an advanced alien intellect created to control humanity. It’s not that certain things make life real it’s that so much of what we’re living in now is fake. Everything and everyone has evolved to surround themselves in fake bullshit that doesn’t have any substance or meaning so that when something not fake happens we think reality is finally present. Until proven otherwise, “shit” or life is always present and it’s always real. The only time this should have been said is by god right as the Big Bang happened. That’s the only time this phrase would have been acceptable. Instead of “Let there be light” he should have just said “Shit just got real.” Not as eloquent, but at least it makes sense.

Are those breasts real?

10.03.2015

Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Did God Make Testicles So Sensitive?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 
I got hit in the balls with a hockey puck the other day and when I regained consciousness today I got to thinking, why did G-d make testicles so sensitive? What is the point of that? Why would G-d design man with such an obvious and crippling weakness? How does that help anyone? What is the evolutionary reason for that? If you’re in the wild running from a giant boar and you get hit with a tree limb in the balls, you’ll fall over writhing in pain and that’ll be the end of you. The testicles are the source for the juice of life so why would that bag and balls be made so damn weak? -- Irving from Toronto, Canada


Dear Irving:
I think the reason why testicles are sensitive is pretty obvious. God didn’t give women vagina teeth so the least he could do was give them the ability to kick a man in the ball sack. I think when god was designing people one of the angels in quality assurance mentioned to him that males were a little too overpowered. God needed to add some sort of hindrance to them to balance out the genders. After a few minutes mulling over his options he decided to make testicles a super weak point that could be attacked by anyone in an emergency situation to render the man momentarily incapacitated. Ultimately, testicles are like a panic button for another person to hit when there are no other options. Imagine if testicles were completely impervious to pain. Women would have no other choice but to attack men with weapons and no one wants to have to deal with that. So as inconvenient as a shot to the nuts is, it’s really all for the better.

Testicles are basically the human panic button.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and thank you for all your submissions, I’ll be answering them as soon as I can!

10.02.2015

Dumbass Sayings: “Ladykiller”

When you’re six-years-old and you walk into the living room wearing a tiny leather jacket all your relatives go “Oh isn’t he a ladykiller!” What?! A “ladykiller”? Seriously? So let me get this straight, when a boy looks cute you connect that with slaughtering females? No, I’m sorry. In today’s age that’s totally unacceptable. Murdering women should not be linked to anything positive. Maybe back in the 1960’s and 70’s that was okay, but times have changed. Women have rights now and you can’t go around attributing positive connotations to the slaying of women. Of course the opposite gender version of this is “maneater.” We don’t call a woman a “mankiller.” Why not? Why do we call them a “maneater” instead? I think it’s because “eating” a man can still be considered sexually pleasing. You can eat someone’s ass for example and that’s a good thing. There is no good version of killing people though. If you ask anyone if they’d rather be killed or eaten out I think it’s pretty obvious which one they’d pick. “Ladykiller” is a sexist term and it needs to be changed to “ladyeater.” Now I know that might sound like an inappropriate thing to call a child in a tiny leather jacket, but what kind of world do we live in where “ladykiller” ISN’T? Think about it…

Looks like we got a real ladykiller here!