The Top 5 Products You Should NEVER Sell Door-to-Door

Door-to-door sales is one of the most effective ways to market your product, but there are a few products that this strategy does not work well with. Vacuums and encyclopedias may work well, but If you are in any of these industries try not to go door-to-door because only bad things will come of it.


5). Condoms.

It might seem like a good idea to bring prophylactics to people since it saves them the trouble of going to the store to get them, but most people take offense to this especially if their children answer the door. You don't want to get involved in a mix up like that.

They make great loot bags for birthday parties, but no one wants to hear that.

4). Spiders.

A surprising amount of people have Arachnophobia and that's certainly not something you want to experience on a sales call. Also, most people's first reaction to a spider in their home is to exterminate it so a particularly bad sales pitch could result in the destruction of much of your product.

Too bad this is just an image and I can't hug this mafucka right now.

3). Doors.

Selling doors door-to-door is a flawed concept for the simple fact that if someone opens a door then they already have one. The only people who would be interested are people with no doors on their homes in which case that's not technically going door-to-door that's going from no-door-to-no-door. That being said, the best thing to sell no-door-to-no-door is doors.

2). Morning After Pills.

Most people don't like the insinuation that their daughters or wives are whores who have lots of unprotected, casual sex so attempting to sell Plan B pills door-to-door isn't a great idea.

They're not called Life Savers for nothing!

1). Sex Toys.

Sex toys seem like a good thing to sell to people in their homes because they're in private and can try things out. The only problem is when you're helping a woman try out a dildo in her room and hear the front door open and realize she's married and her husband has anger management issues and a gun.

Don't act like you've never used one of these before!

The art of door-to-door selling is quickly becoming lost on the younger generation and there are loads of things you shouldn't try to sell this way, but don't let that keep you from experimenting.

The Top 5 Best Holidays For Drinking

When you grew up in a house full of alcoholics pretty much every holiday was a time to get liquored up and do irreparable harm to a developing child. However, there are certain holidays that lend themselves more to drinking than others. Even if you're not an alcoholic, these five holidays are ones you should be enjoying completely fecesfaced.



5). President's Day

An underrated holiday, President's Day is one of the best holidays to drink on. Not many things are more fun than getting completely wasted and running around town dressed like John Adams yelling "The British are coming!" and stealing a police horse. Of course it was actually Paul Revere who rode around yelling about British orgasms, but you're drunk what does that matter?

You have to be drunk to dress like this.

4). Christmas

Normally I wouldn't condone drinking heavily on Christmas, but it's really the only way to tolerate carolers. Plus, it's an excellent way to help you fall asleep/pass out when you're too excited to go to bed because of Santa. The more shots you take the sooner Santa is going to arrive, that's what I always tell my kids as they watch me drinking chucking back shots of tequila and vodka.

Being hammered really makes it a lot easier to cut trees out of your neighbor's lawn.

3). St. Patrick's Day

The classic drinking holiday would have to be on this list. Frankly I find it much better to stay sober and pretend like I'm drunk in order to take advantage of people, but it's always nice to join in with the fun every few St. Patrick's Days just for the hell of it.

Maybe you'll be drunk enough to take a dip in the toxic waste polluted river!

2). Chanukah

Drinking on Chanukah is a great idea because the whole holiday is like one giant week long drinking game. The first night you have two drinks, one for the first candle and one for the middle candle. Then the next night you have three drinks, the night after that you have four and so on until the final night when you've had like 10 drinks. The only real negative to this is you're completely poopfaced dancing around a eight tiny fires which is always dangerous and ill advised.

It's not a candelabra, it's a challenge!

1). Easter

Easter is my all-time favorite drinking holiday for a few reasons. None of it makes sense so being drunk puts you at no real disadvantage at parties and Easter egg rolls. Hiding eggs and hunting around for them is a thousand times more fun when you're wasted. Also when you're in a giant bunny costume, vomiting is seen as more cute than sad. With all the hard boiled eggs and chocolate you're going to be eating on Easter, vomiting is almost a mandatory activity so why not be drunk and get your money's worth? Hard boiled chicken eggs and Cadbury creme eggs will fight in your belly and sometimes you need to throw some Jack Daniels on that to calm them down or kick both of their asses. The only negative is you'll probably be in a park full of children and families when you're going berserk dressed like a rabbit throwing pastel painted eggs at everyone and shitting yourself, but hey no one said life was going to be perfect.

Who sits around painting eggs whilst sober? That makes less sense than the bunny!

Dumbass Sayings: "You Can't Have Your Cake And Eat It Too!"

I was getting ready for my daughter's PTA meetings and I was trying to figure out what to wear. I was thinking it would be funny to wear a women's bikini, but my ex-wife said I would be jeopardizing our child's future. I said that was horsecrap and threw a temper tantrum and I came THIS CLOSE to choking a bitch. Then my grandmother walked by and said "You can't have your cake and eat it too!" I stopped dead in my tracks and had to sit down and think about what this elderly woman just said to me. I can't have my cake and eat it too? Yes I can! I can have a cake and then I can eat it. I wouldn't just stare at a cake, that's insane.

The only reason to buy a cake is to eat it and in the time between purchasing it and eating it you're "having" it. So yes you can have and eat a cake. I ran up to my grandmother's bedroom to make fun of her and tell her how what she said made no sense and she explained that it means "You can't have it both ways." She meant you can't have a cake in your possession AND eat it because when you eat it, the cake is gone so you no longer "have" it. I told her if that's what you mean then just say "You should never eat a cake if you want to keep it." But even that's stupid because there's no point in just keeping a cake. Everyone ends up eating the cake in the end otherwise you have to throw it out.

If you're trying to illustration a choice between two equally important things then this saying is stupid because possessing a cake and eating it are not comparable at all. In the end I decided to wear the bikini to the PTA meeting. Everyone laughed and my daughter's teacher saw that I had a sense of humor and we seriously discussed her grades and what to do about tutoring and such. It turned out great. I had my cake and I ate it too. I ate a cake and I still have it, because it's still in my stomach. I am possessing the cake in my stomach even after I ate it. That's a dumb saying.

Sending Santa Claus a Gift For Christmas

If you're a person with any heart whatsoever you've wondered how come no one ever sends Santa a gift on Christmas? I mean this guy is out there every year busting his ass to make people's dreams come true for nothing and all we do is give him cookies and milk? Are you serious? How do you think this guy feels getting all these letters from kids non-stop just asking him for shit that he really doesn't know they deserve or not (let's face it they probably don't). It's all take take take from Santa and that's just wrong. It's only a matter of time before Santa wises up to how we're treating him and either snaps or decides enough is enough. So here are some ideas for gifts you can send to the North Pole before Christmas so Santa can enjoy them before it starts getting really busy up there:


1). Diet pills.

We all know Santa has a tough time keeping his weight down and while most diet pills don't work it's nice to at least show your concern and let him know his weight is an obvious concern to all the people of the world.

That's a big ass pill.

2). Exercise equipment.

A more pro-active gift to give Santa to help him out with his obesity is exercise equipment like a Bowflex or Total Gym. Of course the only negative to this is the shipping costs can become rather exorbitant.

Sometimes the best gift is good health.

3). Caffeine pills/energy drinks.

Traveling all over the world in one night probably takes a lot out of someone so I'm sure Santa would appreciate an extra boost. This would also help him move a little faster which means you get your presents faster so it's a bit of a selfish gift, but still nice.

Even Santa's fat ass needs a kick once in awhile.

4). Jewelry.

Jewelry is really a rare commodity at the North Pole since the majority of people asking for gifts are children and they could give a rat's ass about diamond rings, bracelets, and necklaces. The only people who ever ask for nice jewelry on Christmas are women who are about to be engaged or are already engaged to be married and in that case the jewelry will be coming from the fiance or husband. No one ever gets a diamond ring with a card that says "From Santa" and if they do then they should be marrying Santa. Giving jewelry to Santa would allow him to regift it to Mrs. Claus without her knowing and help strengthen their bond because God knows they need it after all these years. You know she can't be feeling as appreciated as she is and we wouldn't want her to file for a separation and send Santa spiraling into a life-threatening depression.

How come this dude gets to look like a pimp and not Santa?

5). BBQ Ribs.

As we've mentioned before, Santa is a fan of food so what better gift to give him than some nice frozen BBQ ribs to enjoy in his spare time. This is also probably the best gift to send Santa considering there is a slight chance the package could get lost somewhere along the line in which case it can become food for starving polar bears. There's no way to lose with this one.

Help bring Christmas to Santa for once in your life.

Hopefully this list has given you some ideas on how to make Santa's Christmas a little more jolly. Even if you don't get him a gift a simple card simply expressing "Happy Holidays" without immediately requesting shit would be welcomed I'm sure. The least you can do is write back a thank you letter for Christ sake.

Ask McFartnuggets: "Is America Ready For A Woman MLB Manager?"

Connie Mack wasn't a real woman.

Dear McFartnuggets: Do you think a woman could ever be the manager of a professional baseball team? Isn't it weird how there are more women who could be the President of the United States of America than manage a professional baseball team?" -- Rop from Dechint, Michigan


Dear Rop: I think it's unfair to compare managing a Major League Baseball squad with being the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. Clearly it's much easier to be President. George W. Bush only owned the Texas Rangers, he could never have coached them on the field. Had he I'm sure he would have completely destroyed their chances of ever competing in MLB for decades.

People in general are more comfortable with the idea of a women being President because it's been done in other countries and because the President has control over men and women. As a baseball manager you only have control over men and that's a concept no one's comfortable with yet despite the fact that the title of President of the U.S. carries significantly more power than a manager in Major League Baseball. That's also the reason capable women don't bother learning about baseball tactics and all that crap. They'd rather devote their time to government and the goal of one day being leader of the free world.

I don't think someone like Hillary Clinton could be the manager of the Yankees even if she tried her best hand at it because they're two separate things.They might seem similar, but they are not and that's all there is to it. Usually the key to America getting used to something is having it in a movie first. People weren't sure if a Black guy could be President, then we all saw Morgan Freeman as the President in "Deep Impact" and that swayed a lot of people. That being said, there hasn't yet been a significant movie about a woman being a baseball manager. What's interesting is they have had movies about a child boy being a manager ("Little Big League") so that's not exactly encouraging. The movie has to come first. The question is, will Hollywood step to the plate?


Direct your questions to my business email: PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and thanks for listening!

You've Gotta Be Poopin' Me!: HD Vision Sunglasses

There's an infomercial out for sunglasses that claim to give you "HD Vision". The idea is that you look at a lake and it looks like a normal boring lake, but then you put on the sunglasses and see it in amazing vivid high definition. This has to be the stupidest thing I've heard of all day. Life is already in HD! The whole point of HD TV is to make TV look like real life. The greatest TV ever made could only make something look like it's right in front of you and that's still not yet possible with modern technology. 1080p displays 2.1 megapixels while scientists have estimated the human eye to display approximately 576 megapixels. There's simply no comparison.

Who has ever thought "I wish real life looked as good as HD TV!" If you've ever thought that then you either need eyeglasses or a mental evaluation. If you have any inclination to see the world sharper or more vivid then that's a sign that you should book an eye exam with your local optometrist. The answer is not going to be "HD sunglasses". And in case you were wondering, real life is already in 3D too so don't buy any "Real Life 3D Sunglasses" from anyone either. Unless you have an eye missing, everything should already be 3D. Maybe next they can come up with bubble gum that tastes like pure arctic, crisp water. You've gotta be poopin' me!

Dumbass Sayings "If You Can't Stand The Heat Get Out of The Kitchen!"

Welcome to the Thunderdome!

When someone appears to be faltering in a pressure situation where they're under a lot of stress, a common thing to say to them is "If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen!" This saying never made much sense to me. Is it really THAT hot in a kitchen? Sure maybe when the oven is on and the windows are open in the middle of Summer, but there are warmer places to be. Why not say "If you can't stand the heat get out of the boiler room!" or "If you can't stand the heat get out of the desert!" or "If you can't stand the heat step away from the volcano!" or "If you can't stand the heat take your dick out of the toaster!" All of those are much warmer situations than a kitchen.

Kitchens are actually supposed to be kept at a relatively average temperature since there are pantries filled with non-perishable goods that should not be subjected to high heat. And why is there such an obsession with heat? Being cold is just as bad as being hot. Why not say "If you can't stand freezing, get out of the meat locker!" or "If you can't stand the chill get the fudgesicle out of your ass?" Why am I the only one who says these things? I think they're pretty COOL sayings.

Also, it's always been sexist to say that "A woman's place is in the kitchen". Well if it's so hot, intense, and difficult in there then they isn't that either a compliment or not a sexist thing to say? We should all want to be in the kitchen because that's where you face the flames of immense challenge and fight them off with your extinguisher of perseverance. Either being in a kitchen demands respect or it doesn't! Which one is it?

5 Things To Always Be Thankful For in Life No Matter What

When things get bad in life it can be difficult to find things to feel glad about and appreciate. Fortunately, I've compiled a list of five things you can always feel good about whether your wife told you she's a lesbian now and filed for divorce or you're in jail for attacking your lesbian wife or BOTH.


5). Mosquitoes and other bugs don't come out in the Winter.

Imagine if mosquitoes were still around when it got cold and you had to deal with itchy mosquito bites all over plus being cold. That's just something that God says, "Yeah I know life is supposed to suck, but let's not go that far." Imagine if any insects were around in Winter like wasps, dung beetles, and bees, that'd be frightening as shit. God won't allow certain atrocities, starving children as thin as lamps covered in disease sure, but butterflies in the snow? Forget that! Now this might be something that changes in the coming decades because of global warming, but for now let's just be glad.

Aww, it's shitting blood.

4). AIDS isn't airborne.

Imagine how horrifying it would be if you could really get AIDS from being coughed on by someone with HIV. Fortunately that's not true so stop freaking out when Magic Johnson has the flu. You're being rude!

You can actually see an AIDS ghost in that mist if you look close enough.

3). All the annoying pop music superstars eventually fade out.

No matter how much you despise the current #1 Disney created singer or boy band, all you have to do is be patient because in around 5 years they will either be gone entirely or only visible in a diminished capacity. From the New Kids on the Block to the Backstreet Boys to Britney Spears to Hannah Montana and now Justin Bieber; no matter how popular they are it's only a matter of time before they disappear or become sympathetic characters.

The Osmonds were the shit back in the day, but these days they're all dead and no one cares.

2). A superior alien race isn't going to show up to enslave mankind and even if they do, it'll be awesome.

The whole situation with extraterrestrials is pretty great because it's a win/win. If they don't show up, whatever who cares? No one's going to be on their death bed regretting the fact they never met an alien. Then on top of that if they do show up they will probably enslave us all and harvest our organs for nutrients. And even if this does end up happening that's still pretty damn awesome. I wouldn't even mind being forced to do work for a super intelligent alien species and have my hair shaved off every few months because they eat human hair. That would be an unprecedented part of human history that I'd be a part of and that's incredible.

How can we fear them if they do not possess genitals?

1). If reincarnation is real, it doesn't even matter.

Some people live their lives thinking they need to do good things so they can come back as a falcon or other majestic type of flying animal in another life. Other people try to avoid doing bad things so they don't go to hell or come back as an anal tapeworm or something, but the fact is, you won't be aware of your situation either way so who cares? You should do good things, but do them because you want to not because you want to be a panda. Even if you're brought back as a starving African child, you won't know it's you or that it had anything to do with your past life so there won't be any sort of associative guilt, it's not even going to be you because then you'd know who you were in your last life and if that last life was a bird and you had no idea then as bad as your life is as a starving African child you'll forget all about it when you're a falcon in the next life and your consciousness is reset.

I'll probably come back as a roach because I'm a survivor! And to a lesser extent, I deserve to live in animal feces.