Ask McFartnuggets: “Do Dogs Really Go To Heaven After They Die?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

The Pope recently told a boy that dogs go to Heaven when they die. Is this really possible? Let’s think about this for a second, if dogs go to Heaven then that means Heaven must be chock full of dogs. I read an estimate that there are approximately 525 million pet dogs in the world. That doesn’t even include wild and stray dogs. If you add up all the dogs that have ever died that’s a crapload of dogs. If there are dogs in Heaven then Heaven must be super loud with millions of dogs barking all the time. Dogs love to bark, it’s how they communicate. The only reason dogs don’t bark all the time is because their owners teach them not to. If it’s really Heaven for a dog then they get to live however they want and probably bark nonstop at each other. Dogs probably wouldn’t even want to be owned by their owners in Heaven. If it’s Heaven then you should be free to run off and do whatever you want. No real dog would stay obedient and well behaved in a realm where they could do anything they want. And if there are dogs in Heaven there must be cats and gorillas and giraffes and basically every other animal around. Are there dolphins in Heaven too? Where the hell do they live? Are there oceans in Heaven? Where does this stop? -- Nyisha from Boise, Idaho

Dear Nyisha:

You have some interesting points there. I think that if Heaven does exist then everyone lives in their own version of heaven like a dream. If people actually had to interact in heaven like in real life that would lead to too many weird and difficult situations. Life is difficult because you have to deal with other people so if they want heaven to work right then it’s best to put people in their own little matrix heaven where they think they’re there living in paradise with their loved ones and dogs. If I was god that’s what I’d do. You just run too much of a risk for conflict and noise pollution like you mentioned. So yes there are dogs in heaven, not really, but you won’t know the difference.

Who wouldn't want to meet this huggable guy in heaven?

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