The Top 5 Ways You’re Not Really Family When You’re at Olive Garden

Watch how creeped out a
waitress gets when you call
her "Mommy."

Olive Garden claims that “When you’re here you’re family” and "We're all family here" but we all know that’s a load of horse crap. I used to think the people at Olive Garden were like family, but after awhile I realized they’re just strangers who serve you second rate Italian food. Here are the top 5 reasons you’re not really family at Olive Garden:

5. They won’t let you borrow money.

I’ve known Olive Garden since it was a kid. It was only founded in 1982. We practically grew up together. Now that Olive Garden is a mutli-million dollar business and doing pretty well for itself how come it can’t just give me a few small loans now and then? You know I’m good for it, Olive Garden! Come on! We’re family damnit! Family members are supposed to trust each other.

4. Having intercourse with one of the employees isn’t considered incest.

If you were really family at Olive Garden then flirting with a waitress would be seen as disgusting. Instead it’s just seen as mildly sad just like at any other restaurant. For the longest time I was afraid of engaging in sexual relations with an Olive Garden employee because I thought I could be arrested for it. I thought that was only allowed in Arkansas Olive Gardens, but apparently it’s allowed everywhere just as long as you’re not on the actual premises.

3. They won’t confront you about your alcoholism.

If the people at Olive Garden were really your family they wouldn’t just kick you out for being drunk and belligerent. They wouldn’t be so fast to call the cops to have you arrested for disorderly conduct. A real family would understand you had a problem and try to find you help whether that means getting you sent to rehab or even just hosting an intervention. Good luck getting anyone at Olive Garden to help you with that.

2. They charge you money for the meal.

When you go to eat at a relative’s house do they ever leave a bill at the end of the meal? No, that’d be ridiculous. Family members don’t cook meals for profit, they do it out of love. Even an asshole relative wouldn’t charge you money for a meal, yet Olive Garden does. What does that say about our relationship?

And the number one way you’re not really family at Olive Garden is...

1. They’re closed on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

If Olive Garden is your family shouldn’t they be open on Thanksgiving and Christmas? Imagine my dismay when I arrived at my local Olive Garden on Thanksgiving Day with my world famous green bean casserole and found the doors locked and the lights completely off. What kind of family is this? Seriously? Give me a break. I’m not family at Olive Garden. That’s a bunch of bullshit. With a family like that, who needs strangers?!

I'm sure they would be open, but they're too busy having Thanksgiving with their REAL family.