The Top 5 Holiday Gifts to Give Someone You Secretly Hate

There are always people in your life who you are friendly with despite the fact you secretly hate them and everything they stand for. Now that the holidays are upon is, it can be very difficult to buy a gift for these people. You want to keep them thinking you like them, but you also don’t want them to have too great of a holiday. Here are the top 5 holiday gifts to buy for someone you secretly hate:

5. Books

Books are a nice gift to give someone you secretly hate because they’re not that much fun and most people don’t even read the books they’re given for the holidays. However, it’s still a nice gesture and implies that you think they’re literate and intellectual.

Happy reading, sucker.

4. A puppy

A puppy is a great gift to give someone you secretly despise because it’s basically supplying them with a new burden. Not many people can say no to a fresh puppy. Then after about half a day they realize what a pain in the ass having a baby dog around their apartment is. Still whenever they look into that puppy’s eyes they know they can’t just give it up for adoption and still feel somewhat happy you got it for them.

Merry Christmas, mofo!

3. Scratch off lotto tickets

Giving someone a scratch off lotto ticket for the holidays is great if you don’t like the person because it’s essentially giving them disappointment. The odds of them winning are very small. Worst case scenario they win a jackpot and you can guilt them into giving you some of it and best case scenario they develop a crippling gambling addiction.

Happy holidays, dickbag!

2. Liquor

Giving someone a bottle of liquor for the holidays is a really odd gift. It’s perfect for someone you secretly hate who happens to be a recovering alcoholic. It’s like giving a suicidal person a loaded gun for Christmas. I’m not sure why you would do that, but apparently people think it’s an acceptable gift to give.

If you're buying someone liquor for the holidays you should also include bail money.

And the number one best holiday gift to give someone you secretly hate is..

1. Plane tickets

Plane tickets are the greatest gift you can give to someone you hate because they’re so expensive they really give the other person the impression that you care about them and like them. On the other hand what you’re really doing is getting them out of the region so you don’t have to see them for an extended period of time. Worst case scenario they disappear from your life for a week or two. Best case scenario they suffer a near death turbulence experience, reassess life and stop being such an asshole.

Bon voyage, assface!