The Top 5 Best Holidays To Masturbate On

Some people hold the ignorant belief that it’s always bad to pleasure yourself intimately on national holidays. That’s not necessarily true. Believe it or not there are certain holidays where getting romantic with yourself is totally acceptable if not beneficial to one’s self in more ways than one. Here are the top 5 best holidays to masturbate on:

5. Columbus Day

Christopher Columbus was all about exploring and finding the New World. So when you explore your own body and treat it like the New World then you’ll be fulfilling the same destiny as Columbus. You may also discover your body is not as flat as you thought it was.

Christopher Columbus was one of the pioneers of gang signs.

4. Veterans Day

It may seem disrespectful to mastubate on Veteran’s Day, but the veterans fought to protect our freedom and part of that freedom is to masturbate on whatever day you want. That’s what America stands for. Well, not the masturbating part specifically, but the freedom part.

Some people think having a mustache like that is weird too, but this is America damnit.

3. Christmas Eve

Everyone knows the hardest part of Christmas Eve is falling asleep because you’re so excited about Santa’s arrival and opening presents the next morning. Well if you pleasure yourself then you’ll probably get pretty tired and it’ll be easier to fall asleep naturally despite your anticipatory excitement.

Just don't do it at midnight mass.

2. New Year’s Eve

It might seem a little sad to be at home masturbating on New Year’s Eve, but it’s kind of fun especially if you try to reach orgasm exactly at the new year. Having all those people counting down to your climax is really an amazing experience. I would recommend doing this at home rather than a bar or Times Square just for legal reasons.

Start the new year off with a "bang."

And the number one best holiday to masturbate on is…

1. Independence Day

Of course Independence Day is number one on the list. It’s all about being independent and what’s more independent than the act of self-pleasure? Pretty much nothing. Masturbating on Independence day is the ultimate symbolic act and the perfect way to get those pesky guests to leave after your 4th of July BBQ.

Fireworks are a lot like orgasms. They're brilliant for a few seconds then you fall into a crushing depression when it's over.