Ask McFartnuggets: “Why Does The News Always Say Planes Are “Missing?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

How come when a plane crashes they always say it’s “missing”? Are they really afraid of saying a plane crashed and then it ends up being found across the country landed in some place it wasn’t supposed to be with everyone on board perfectly fine? That would be a good problem to have honestly. Has that situation literally ever happened? Everyone knows that the planes that go “missing” have crashed. Why don’t they just cut the shit and stop teasing the victims’ families with hope like that”? I’ve heard from parents of missing children that eventually they don’t care if they find out their child is dead, they just want closure to know what happened. The hope that they’re alive almost turns out to be torture. And it’s 2014. How the hell do airliners not have a way to know for sure when one of their giant planes full of people crashes? -- Natasha from Louisville, Missouri

Dear Natasha:

Well the beauty of saying “missing” is that it means the plane could be in another dimension. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather hold onto the belief that my loved one had magically been transported into a paradisical dimension where they’re living happily for all eternity. Since the airliners literally don’t know where the plane is then it IS missing so the news sources are just being honest. As for why they don’t have a way to determine where a big ass plane is, they don’t really need one. If the plane never arrives at its destination and they lose contact with it then that’s all the proof people need that it crashed. In most case the families know the plane crashed, the news just wants to play it safe so they don’t look like assholes just in case the plane is stranded on an island somewhere. People have always been big into saying planes went missing. Amelia Earhart’s plane went “missing.” People used to really wonder what happened, but as time goes on the semantics really don’t matter.

The only real negative about hope is the millions of dollars people spend trying to find nothing.

Write your questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com