Ask McFartnuggets: “Do I Still Have The Right to Freeze Peach?”

Dear McFartnuggets: 

I always hear people talking about Americans’ right to freeze peach and freedom of depress. I understand I have the right to be depressed, but what is my right to freeze peach? Why were the forefathers so concerned with frozen fruit? And now these radical Islamic groups are threatening our right to freeze peach by attacking cartoon newspapers. If I want peach flavored ice cream or sherbert or even sorbet do I still have that right? Will I be killed for that? I’m afraid to go into a Baskin and Robbins and order what I really want now in case some mad gunman shows up like it’s an Australian chocolate cafe. -- Dianna from Independence, Missouri

Dear Dianna:

Okay, let’s just clear some things up real quick. This is America and you have the right to do whatever you want with most produce. You can stuff a meat locker full of dozens of boxes of peaches if that’s what you so desire. You can freeze all the peaches you want! The only people who might get upset with you about that is people from the state of Georgia if you’re ruining all their peach crops with frost. Actually, at that scale I think it would be a problem so okay fine you can’t freeze all the peaches, but within reason. A little peach freezing here and there is fine, but be aware that pushing it too far can cause problems and offend the wrong people. Oh and just for future reference, it’s the “right to free speech” not “freeze peach.” Also it’s “freedom of the press” not “freedom of depress.”

The founding fathers were very clear about peaches and peach temperature.

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