The Top 5 Hardest New Year's Resolutions to Keep

It’s the start of a new year which means no one will shut the hell up about their new year’s resolutions. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept, new year’s resolutions are basically unrealistic goals you set for yourself for the upcoming year to keep your life from spiraling even farther downhill. It wouldn’t be so bad except the success rate of actually completing your new year’s resolution is something like .01% unless you picked something stupid like “Learn how to play the ukulele.” Here are the top 5 hardest new year’s resolutions to stick to:

5. Lose weight

This is a classic resolution that most people choose to take on. It’s a tough one because you never hear anyone in December talking about how much weight they lost. Even if they did lose some weight during the summer, by Thanksgiving that shit is back on plus interest. The only way you this becomes an easier resolution to keep is if you’re having trouble with number four on the list...

People should just make their resolution to gain weight since resolutions never work out.

4. Quit doing drugs

Now if you’re having an issue with drug addiction then there’s a good chance you’re pretty skinny. You can’t be an obese crackhead, it just doesn’t happen. If you’re that addicted to drugs, the body will eat the fat alive. This is why I recommend resolving to lose weight AND quit doing drugs because at least this way if you fail at the drugs part you’ll have achieved some pretty impressive weight loss goals.

Any time you say you're going to quit drugs, just remember caffeine is a drug.

3. Be a better father

A lot of people make the resolution to “be a better father,” but that’s a tough one to live up to because it’s so subjective. At the end of the year your child and ex-wife will be the judge of that and odds are they’re still going to hate your guts.

Stealing your child back from your ex-wife might seem like it makes you a good father, but it really depends.

2. Stop masturbating

Well obviously since you’re divorced and addicted to drugs it’s going to be tough to avoid romancing yourself on those lonely nights. If you’re like me you might even break this resolution on New Year’s Eve. That’s why I always try to get it done before the ball drops just so I can have a fresher start rather than ruin it right away.

If you're really serious about not masturbating anymore I would recommend gluing a metal gauntlet onto your hands or better yet Freddy Krueger gloves.

And the number one hardest new year’s resolution to keep is…

1.Stop getting hangovers and vomiting

This is a noble resolution, but because of the way things work out you'll usually break the resolution at like 7 am on New Year's Day. Honestly, the things people do on New Year’s Eve are really not conducive to making a positive first step into the new year. Waking up in a motel at 5 pm on New Year’s Day soaked in barf next to a dead Swedish tourist who apparently OD’ed on Molly isn’t necessarily how you want to kick off the new year.

Kinda hard to start the new year off strong when you can't remember your own name or why you're wearing bloody women's panties.